I ran my hands over my head and risked a glance up at Ant. He was studying me but hadn’t spoken. “He said he isn’t bothered by my past, the things I did, but how can he not be? Why the hell would someone like him want to be with someone like me? I know, I know, I’m being ridiculous, but I guess I just…”
Ant leaned forward slowly and picked up both bowls, walking to the kitchen without saying a word.
I hated all this fucking self-doubt and bullshit. It felt like there was so much more at risk now. I had never given anyone else the power to judge me for my past, mainly because I had never wanted to build something requiring honesty with anyone else. But the flip side was I had never cared about what anyone else thought of me, other than Mum and Tim.
I knew I needed to trust Nick and our relationship, and I did, but he was the only person who had ever had the power to break me, and it was terrifying. I knew who I was would drive him away, and I was still just fucking waiting for it. Even after the worst actually happened and he was still here, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And that wasn’t fair on Nick. I hated it.
As Ant scraped the bowls and then rinsed them, he got progressively louder until he threw the cutlery into the sink. He paced a few laps of the kitchen before he turned back towards me. He didn’t look angry, exactly. Disappointed, maybe. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
“So what you’re saying is that because of what I did as a teenager, I still, ten fucking years later, don’t deserve to be trusted. I am not good enough for anyone to love?”
“What?” I was horrified. “No, Jesus, Ant!”
He glared at me with one eyebrow raised. “Well, make up your fucking mind, Ky. I get you are trying to work through some shit, so I am trying not to be a dick here, but seriously, man. You worked for how long? Months. I’m not trying to say what you went through didn’t suck or wouldn’t have left scars. I’m not trying to turn this into a competition, but Jesus, the things I did back then don’t define me, and they sure as fuck don’t define you! Even you don’t know some of the things I let those men do to me for a few dollars. And I did it for years. But you know what? Fuck you for thinking that makes me less than anyone else.”
He didn’t look away from me, just held my gaze.
Well, shit.
“Ant,” I pleaded.
“Look Ky, I get you were trying to talk to me but how you feel, and I turned it into being about me. You are allowed to feel how you feel, and it’s not invalid just because you are a fucking moron that has it all arse-up.” He managed a small smirk to soften the insult.
“Jesus, Ant, you are one of the strongest, most amazing men I have ever met. I am in awe of how strong you are after all the shit you went through. You deserve to be loved more than anyone.”
“And you don’t?” He sat back down and nodded to the lounge, telling me to do the same. I sat and took a moment, letting what he said sink in.
“I just… I guess I have hung on to what I did for so long, it’s hard to let go.”
“Ky, you have held on to this fear of not being enough for your entire life. You need to stop apologizing for what you were forced to do as a teenager.”
I chuckled, and when he raised an eyebrow in question, I answered, “That’s pretty much what Nick said when I told him.”
Ant smiled. “He is an incredibly intelligent man, you know. You should maybe listen to him.”
I leaned my head back and stared at the ceiling. Logically, I knew Ant was right. I needed to find a way to let it all go before I pushed Nick away with my insecurities. Talking to Ant had helped. Maybe even saying some of the words out loud took away some of their weight.
I knew what I had to do, and I texted Tim to get the ball rolling. But mostly, God, what I needed was to talk to Nick. I just needed Nick here.
When my phone beeped, I was sitting on the rower finishing my last set. I waited until I was cooling down on the bike before I pulled the text up.
Hey love. Made some progress today with the lawyers. I miss you. How are you? Did you get to Riley’s last night?
I’m good. Guess who I saw there?
??
Sean.
He must have gotten busy because he didn’t answer. I was driving home before I got a reply.
And?????????
I called him.
“And?” he demanded in lieu of a greeting.
“And what?”
“And is there some reason you are telling me about Sean?” He sounded strangely hesitant.
“No, no reason—I don’t know, only chatting. It was just interesting seeing him again.”
“Meaning?”
“Nothing. Is something wrong?” Nick didn’t respond. “Nick, does it bother you that I was talking to Sean? You know we were never—well, anything, right? It’s not like we were together. I’m not exactly the only person in Sydney he has slept with this year. I’m not even the only person on this phone call.”
I heard Nick huff out a breath. “Logically, yes, I know that. And it doesn’t really bother me. I’m not a complete arsehole, but hearing you mention him was a surprise. If I were there, it wouldn’t bother me that you’re talking to him. But being this far away makes everything feel… different, I guess. But I trust you, and I honestly don’t have a problem with Sean. Not that you need my blessing for who you talk to. I’ll shut up now. Say hello for me if he’s there next week.”
“Okay. And if that was insecurity from you for a change, it was kind of cute. Anyway, it looks like he’s seeing someone. Ant said he hasn’t been going to Subway, and he was a bit reluctant to answer questions last night, but he did confirm he was dating someone really sweet and protective. I can’t imagine Sean with someone like that, but whatever works for him, I guess. Oh, hey, Eddie was there too. I haven’t seen Eric, though. Anyway, how’s things with you?”
“I don’t think you’ll see much of Eric. He is currently busy with his latest obsession, but it should only be a matter of weeks before he decides they’re not the one. And Ky, I’m sorry if I acted weird when you mentioned Sean. I really don’t mind if you hang out. I’m glad you’re spending time with your friends, okay?”
Nick began to look and sound better over the next couple of weeks. Based on the shadows under his eyes and the time of night he called or texted, he still wasn’t getting enough sleep. Nick was still trying to keep on top of as much hotel business as he could when he finished with his Dad’s business, despite Eric’s assurances that it wasn’t necessary. But he was talking, and that was a start. The call that day felt like a big step.
Nick had said he was going to be busy for a few days, but mid-afternoon, my phone rang. My heart jumped when I saw his temporary number come up, hoping nothing was wrong. “Nick?”
“Hi, love, do you have a minute?”
“Yes, yes, of course.”
“I just got off the phone with Mum. I’m an adult, seriously—how is it I can’t let it go? She is… fuck…. I needed to hear your voice.”
“You can ring any time day or night to hear my voice, Nick. You don’t have to give me details, but is there anything I...”