“No, stop,'' I interrupted. “I’m sorry about before. I overreacted. I get it. If that’s what you need. then I’ll be fine with it.”
“Me? No, I was talking about you. But… I … I meant if that’s something you needed, I don’t expect you to wait for me. This isn’t what you chose, so I get if we need to change things.”
I sighed and scratched my head. “Nick, please stop. Look, if you need to… if you need this to be an open relationship, then I will deal with that. I’m not losing you unless you say we are done. Okay?”
He chuckled. “That’s not what I want. And, babe, you couldn’t even say the words open relationship without sneering. I’m sorry. I really suck.”
“You do, and I miss you doing it.” I needed to lighten the conversation a little.
We just watched each other for a moment. I studied his eyes, still that brilliant blue I noticed the first day I saw him, but with dark shadows under them. His skin was still beautiful, his lips still soft and inviting, but he looked tired. Even when he worked long hours at home, he never looked this tired.
“I miss you so fucking much, Ky.”
“I miss you too.”
He took a deep breath, and then, finally, he talked to me. “I’m sorry I was such a complete tosser when we were in London. I… I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to act. He was my dad, so… I guess I’m sorry he’s gone, but we weren't... like you with Rhiannon and Tim. We weren’t close. I did love him, but… I guess I thought I should be more upset than I was, and then I was upset that I wasn’t more upset, and then I was mad at him because he wasn’t like Tim, but then I was mad at myself for being mad at him when he’s dead…. I just… I don’t know.”
“Baby, I’m sorry. There is no right or wrong way for you to feel, all right? Just let me help you. I wish I could do more, but I can at least listen when you want to vent. I know that things weren’t exactly… you know… umm… I mean, given how things were before you got the call about your Dad… are we… okay?”
His eyes widened. “Yes, of course, baby, of course we are. We are fine. No! Sorry, I didn’t mean fine-fine. I meant we really are fine. I mean good. Bollocks.”
I laughed. Usually, he was the most calm and eloquent person in the word, but I kind of liked that he got flustered with me. I liked affecting him. But I still didn’t want him to be upset.
“Nick, I know what you meant. It’s okay. Do you want me to come over there? I know that you’re working a lot, but even if it just means I can be there for you when you go to bed...”
He smiled a little. “As much as I love sleeping next to you, no, it doesn’t make sense. You’re busy at work, and I really am busy. I would worry more that I was neglecting you if you were here. I promise to talk to you more. I thought if I focused on work, it would make it easier. But I was so wrong. The wrongest.”
I chuckled before he continued.
“Seeing your face has helped. I think talking to you will make it easier, not harder. Enough about me—how are you doing? Have… have you spoken to Tim?”
“Yeah. We talked a fair bit the first week I was back. I think we’re good. I thought my world was ending when he found out. I should’ve known better. I did know better. I was just scared. But he… we’re good. He agreed there was no point in telling Mum, but he said he wouldn’t directly lie to her if the topic ever came up.”
We spent the next two hours talking about my work and a couple of funny things that happened, and he told me about some of the details of how the import/export company worked in Hong Kong, as a base for trade in and out of China. A lot of it was over my head, but having him talk was worth every single second of lost sleep. Eventually, when he was yawning too much to get through a sentence, I told him to go to sleep. We both promised to do better about calling and texting. I knew we couldn’t speak every day—it simply wasn’t realistic—but we tried to text most days and either Facetime or call at least once or twice a week.
I knew the hours I was working before I met Nick weren’t healthy, and as tempting as it was to return to that schedule, I knew it wasn’t the right way to deal with missing him. So I made an effort to get to touch football and to meet up with some of the guys at Riley’s.
I missed seeing Alex, but hopefully he would be home any day now. I had almost forgotten how good spending a few hours unwinding with the guys felt, and even Eddie, Eric’s older brother, turned up a couple of times.
I managed to leave work at a reasonable hour on Monday and grab the Thai takeaway I had promised Ant before heading to his apartment. As we served our food into bowls and grabbed a couple of glasses of water, Ant and I talked about work. We curled up at opposite ends of the lounge, facing each other. “How’s Platform and Subway?”
“Good. The website has quite a few new members. It’s financially going well, even if I have just lost two of my best members.”
“Huh?”
“Nicholas and Sean. I haven’t seen Nicholas there in quite a while, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he cancels his membership at some point, and Sean is MIA as well. I heard he’s dating some rich banker type but the guy isn’t a member so I haven’t seen him.”
“I’m not speaking for Nick, but Sean isn’t really the commitment type so he will probably be back soon enough.”
“I know it’s not really your thing, but we have a few events at Subway that I think you and Nicholas would like. Even if it’s only the fundraisers.”
“Maybe,” I conceded. “I’m not trying to stop him going if it’s something he wants.”
Ant smiled. “I know, I know. Think about it. I’ll send you the details when we have events, and if it’s something you are comfortable with, then hopefully I’ll see you there.” We ate in silence for a minute or two before he continued. “So how are things with you and Nicholas?”
“Good.”
Ant let my brush-off answer hang there, watching me eat. “So…” he prompted.
I sighed softly. “Can I ask you something?” He gave me the time to collect my thoughts. I didn’t know how to put them together or how to make them make sense. “He’s going to get sick of me.” I knew that wasn’t enough but struggled with the words.
Ant was even more confused than me. “Why? Did something happen?”
I leaned forward to put my half-eaten food on the coffee table and wiped my hands on my jeans.
“I know he needs more… just more. I mean, I’m not an idiot.” I shook my head before he could interrupt. “He has never done anything to make me feel like that. It’s just something I’m aware of. But I guess I realised how much I overreact to things, and he’s always jumping in to reassure me. Which is great and all, but… the novelty has to wear off eventually, right? You know how I reacted to Tim finding out.”
As soon as I got back from London, I called Ant and told him about Tim. I had asked about him recognising Tim, and he had tried to avoid the question but eventually admitted he had been worried I was moving in with some creep. So, the week before we moved in, he had gone to see who my mum was with. When he saw Tim, he was relieved, but it also meant he couldn’t come near my house.