“Please be seated.”
Everyone moves, but I’m frozen in place as I stare at Ashton’s profile. I can’t see a lot, he’s still got his hood over his head but I see enough.
I want to walk over, slide my hand into his hand and stand—or sit—strong beside him.
“Ruby,” Mom hisses, dragging me from my trance, and reluctantly, I turn back to face the front and lower my ass to the cold wood beneath me.
The service is beautiful, the way people talk about Leanora only confirm what I already know—that she was an incredible woman. Each person who speaks does so with such love in their voice, their expressions showing such loss.
By the time the priest brings this part of the funeral to a close and instructs us to head outside, I feel like my emotions have been tossed in the dryer. I barely know which way is up as I stand and walk beside Mom out of the church, knowing that I’m leaving him behind to take his mom to her final resting place.
My eyes bore into the side of his face as I pass, desperate for him to turn to me, but he doesn’t so much as flinch.
Mom and I don’t speak as we follow the others toward the burial ground. Stephen walks behind us, also silent.
The congregation feels smaller as we all stand around the grave. I’ve only ever been to one funeral before and that was a cremation. This feels so much more final seeing a hole in the ground where she’s going to rest.
After only a few minutes, the coffin is before us and the hooded pallbearers join the crowd. But this time, Ashton breaks away from his little dark gang of six and he comes to stand right beside me on the edge of the semi-circle we’re all standing in.
I look up at him, but he doesn’t return my stare. His eyes are still locked on the coffin, his face still set in his stone mask. I think he probably hopes that means no one can see beneath it. But he’s wrong. While his face might be unreadable, his expression impenetrable, his eyes tell a whole other story, and I haven’t even looked into them directly. But I know that when I do, what’s inside them is going to slice me open.
The priest begins the next bit of the service as the cold air of Seattle bites into our skin, our breaths coming out in white clouds around us.
I have no idea what he says. His words blur into just background noise as the heat from Ashton’s arm burns through my coat and into mine.
I want to reach for him but I can’t. My fists curl at my sides as I try to stop myself from doing something that he won’t want, something that will push him over the edge.
I sense the ceremony is coming to an end as the priest moves around the grave with a shovel in hand ready to commit her to rest. The sight, the thought that she’s about to be buried in the ground has a lump so huge in my throat that I struggle to breathe around it.
I’m not the only one with the same issue because people sniffle and shift uncomfortably around me, but I don’t look at any of them, I can’t, my eyes are locked on that wooden coffin as the first pile of soil rains down on it.
A gasp sounds out from beside me. It’s the only reaction I have heard or seen from him since he arrived. Part of me is relieved that he’s actually feeling, seeing what’s going on. I was worried he’d somehow completely checked out and although he was here in body, his mind was entirely elsewhere.
The second pile is thrown in and my body startles as his hand threads through mine. His fingers grip mine impossibly tight causing pain to shoot up my arm but I can’t move, I just deal with it because right now, he needs a lifeline and I refuse to cause him any more pain than he’s already in.
We stand, side by side, connected, as the priest finishes whatever he’s saying.
The world around me blurs as I stand beside an unmoving Ashton.
The sound of people talking fills my ears before movement around me alerts me to the fact they’re walking away.
“There’s a car waiting for both of you. Take your time. We’ll see you at the reception,” Stephen says in my ear.
Turning to look at him, I smile sadly. “Thank you,” I whisper.
“Look after my boy.”
I nod, it’s the only thing I can do as a new wave of tears burn my eyes and turn the world blurry around me.
21
Ashton
Ruby’s hand is locked in mine with a vise-like grip. I know I should release her, allow her to follow all the others to the reception Dad organized. But I can’t find it in me to do so.
I need her. I need her so fucking bad right now that I just can’t let her go.
I know that all I’m doing is hurting her. And although a part of me planned for it to be that way, to show her just how lucky she was with the happy little family she had with my dad. But it’s morphed into something I wasn’t expecting and now I’m leaning on her in a way I shouldn’t, sucking the life out of her to feed my own, to keep me fucking breathing.
I stare at Mom’s coffin. The one I chose specifically for her, covered in a scattering of mud. That’s all she is now. Just a body. A cold body in a box that’s about to be surrounded by mud.
I did that. I caused that.
“It’s all my fault.” I don’t realize the words fall from my lips until the hold Ruby has on my hand tightens. I’m surprised she’s still got any blood left in it to move.
“No, Ash. None of this is your fault.” Her voice is so soft that it has a flood of tears filling my eyes. I’ve fought all morning to keep it down, to swallow my pain, my loss, my grief. But standing here now, just the two of us. I’m not sure I can keep it inside any longer.
I’m exhausted. Completely fucking drained.
I drop to the cold, hard ground, and because I refuse to release her hand, Ruby has no choice but to follow me.
I keep my eyes on the hole in the ground before us as I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my one free arm around my legs.
“Axel and I had been picked up on the street. We were searched there and then, but despite the fact they didn’t find anything, the officers threw us in the back of their cars, nonetheless.
“They thought we were dealing, or at least in possession. But it was our lucky day, or so I thought because for once, neither of us had anything on us, and we weren’t actually doing anything suspicious.
“We were taken to the station, questioned, and made to sit and wait for fucking hours.
“Axel had been arrested time and time again, I knew he’d get out scot-free. His dad has enough of Seattle PD in his back pocket to ensure he’s cleared of almost anything he could get pulled in for. I, on the other hand, didn’t have that luxury. I might have worked for them, but I was disposable.”
“But you said you didn’t do anything,” she says quickly from her matching position beside me. She still hasn’t looked at me, and I’ve never been more grateful. I don’t need anyone looking at me right now. I don’t even want to look at myself.
“No, but the decent cops in the city are desperate to take down the Kingstons. They’ve been running rings around the authorities for years, but nothing has ever stuck. They’re lawless, above it all. They manage to get away with everything and get it swept under the rug.
“Anyway, we were released and when I walked out, Mom was sitting there waiting to take me home. I’d never seen her so angry. She knew I was involved in some less than legal shit, although we’d never had a conversation about it, but I was bringing home more cash than most school kids to help keep the roof over our heads and pay off some of the debts she’d got herself into over the past few years.