The distracted frown that wrinkles her forehead is clear. I feel an uncontrollable desire to approach and smooth it with a finger and… wait! How is she suddenly so close? Because my legs moved on their own, attracted by the insane desire to touch her. To win the battle, yes? Let’s make that clear. She is still the least sensual being on Earth and for me this is still only a matter of principle.
I feel uneasy, so much so that I hide behind a convenient tree, placed next to me by the god of lucky escapes. A god in my own image, no doubt about it. This is the second time I’ve found myself trying to spy on her from afar. It’s becoming a worrying habit. I don’t feel like Caesar any more. I feel like a lunatic, and it’s ridiculous: I’ve never had to follow anyone.
All of them have fallen willingly at my feet before now. And so let’s go back to the question of principle…
‘Sara!’
My thoughts are, probably fortunately, interrupted by a voice that I do not recognise, at least until I see the face it belongs to.
Sara turns around and for the first time I see her smile, at her colleague who was with her on the first day of the course.
‘Ele! What’s up?’
‘You left your flash drive in the computer! What’s going on with you these days?’
But Sara’s answer escapes me, because they move away. Shit! My plan will go up in smoke if I don’t hurry. Why can’t I move?
‘Looking for someone?’ A beautiful girl with impressive breasts approaches me, biting her nails and giving me and meaningful look. Any other time I would have answered ‘you,’ but now …
‘Yes, I’m looking for a sociopathic woman who does nothing but complicate my life and get me into trouble,’ I tell her, leaving her behind. I’m furious with myself. Not even in middle school did I take so long to make a girl capitulate. Enough, I decide, I’m going to go over there, and… and…
‘Do you know that stalking is a crime?’
I jump. Surprised from behind!
‘I am sure of it now: you’re trying to get rid of me,’ I retort.
‘Unfortunately you seem to have thick skin, because yes, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do, but nothing I do seems to be working. Can you tell why the hell you were spying on me?’
Now… my strategy… Caesar against the Gauls. Destroy the enemy, Teo.
‘I wasn’t spying on you,’ I reply with one of my special smiles, designed to make the panties drop. ‘I just wanted to talk to you.’ And I infuse the word ‘talk’ with erotic implications that usually open every door, but that have no effect on her.
‘Too bad I don’t want to talk to you.’
‘Too bad you need to talk to me, because we have a joint project,’ I reply, returning to argumentative mode. Confuse the enemy and win the day.
‘You have a project, not me.’
This woman will drive me crazy. ‘You agreed to it in front of witnesses!’
‘I can always say that I was drunk!’
‘And I’m sure they wouldn’t struggle to believe it, but… is it really in your interests?’
She looks at me with incomprehension. ‘What are you talking about? Of course it’s in my interests! I’d rather have an enema than work with you.’
I chuckle. ‘Hey, whatever you’re into, but I can always put my…’
‘Not a word more!’ she interrupts me, blushing with fury and embarrassment. ‘I know perfectly well what goes through that dirty mind of yours, and I don’t want to hear it.’
‘You must have a dirty mind too, since you seem to have understood what I was going for…’ I observe dryly.
‘I hate you, it’s official!’
‘Too bad, because I don’t hate you…’
There, bomb dropped. The strategy has begun. We are in a state of red alert.
‘Give me a break!’ she snorts. Enemy resistance: predictable. Time to change tactics.
‘Listen, I admit I’m kind of an arsehole sometimes.’
‘Only sometimes?’
I roll my eyes. This woman never lets me finish a speech properly.
‘Let’s say more than a few times, okay? But you’re no saint either, my dear. And anyway, what did I do that was so wrong? I got you some publicity.’
‘You ridiculed me in front of a hall full of people!’
‘I gave you the opportunity to shine, something that your darling professor will never do.’
She moves threateningly towards me and jabs at my breastbone with one of her small fingers. ‘Don’t you dare talk about him! You’re not even worthy of mentioning his name.’
The irritation makes my stomach burn. It’s just not possible that she prefers a tedious old git like that to a sex-god like me. It’s just… a matter of principle… God knows I’ve repeated it to the point of nausea. And I will repeat it another three million times.
‘I’ll mention him as much as I like. I know what he did. And I know what you want from him. I also offered you my help to catch him’
‘Help I refused, if you remember.’
‘Because you think you can do it by yourself, when it’s clear that you have no competence whatsoever in this field.’
Ok, I maybe could have kept that remark to myself. Her contemptuous look confirms it.
‘I’ll say it again: my private life is none of your business. I can decide to live in chastity or give it up to the first man that passes, that is my decision.’
Some students turn to look at us, perplexed.
I take her hand, which she has leaned on my chest, in the ridiculous attempt to push me away. David against Goliath. Wait… how did that story end?
Her gaze travels from my face to our hands and her eyes flash as though struck by lightning.
‘Let go of my hand,’ she orders
‘Help me with the format.’
She sighs, irritated. To tell the truth, it’s not like I’m holding her hand with any kind of force, she could easily escape my grip, but this is an ideological battle for her. Apparently questions of principle are important to her, too.
‘The format is a load of bollocks!’
‘A load of bollocks that has already been sold to two television channels…’ I counter, making her start. In fact this is impossible, because we haven’t created anything to sell yet, but since she doesn’t know how it works… I decide to take advantage. Meanwhile, our hands still haven’t moved.
‘That says a lot about the quality of television content…’
‘Well then, wouldn’t you like to help raise the quality of television content? Since you’re not likely to be raising anything else?’
My off-colour joke clearly bothers her, because the pressure of her hand on my chest gets stronger. With a sudden shove, she throws me back and I find myself pinned with my back to the tree trunk.
‘You’re starting to annoy me with these allusions. Not everything revolves around sex. Get over yourself.’
‘Hey, half the female population of Naples have got themselves over me,’ I provoke her by sniggering. I like making her angry, it’s the best way to forget that strange feeling I get in my stomach whenever she’s close. She irritates me so much that my gastric walls are about to disintegrate.