“But you weren’t!” I watched Duke’s eyes widen as he looked at an ebullient Bea. She clasped her clipboard before her. “We needed to see it—the working with your consorts, the solidifying of those bonds, the use of those abilities to subdue the orisha, but finding solutions beyond merely subjugating her. It was extremely promising!”
“Aen could have died!”
I stormed up to the woman, but she stood her ground with a beatific smile.
“Consorts are expendable, the avatar is not. You now know who will ensure your safety, who will lay themselves on the line for you. Duke reported that there are some tensions in some of the relationships.” She peered over my shoulder. “I see no evidence of that today.”
For a moment, I just moved my mouth, but no sounds came out. Too many came, too many flashes of what had just happened hitting me belatedly. Too much.
“I’m heading out,” Liam said, appearing to one side of me, but not very close. When his fingers twitched, I could still see the crackles of lightning there. “I need to…”
“Got it,” Duke said with a nod. “Bea, we’re gonna talk further about this. A whole lot further. Lemme guess, you’ve got a bunch of those sims made?”
“Why, yes. They’ve been an archive project for several generations. My predecessor used some quite intriguing incantations she discovered while on a dig in southern Egypt, where Nubia—”
“You gonna be OK, Kira?” Duke said, steering the woman away from me, seeming to sense the wisdom in that. My hands clenched hard, too hard to really hear what he was saying. My heart raced now, way faster than it had before. Aen lying on the floor. Aen’s heart barely beating. My eyes jerked around where he stood with Marlow, the other man fussing over my red-haired lover. Duke was still waiting when I looked back, so I just nodded, unable to do much more. He returned the gesture, looking like he wanted to say more, but he had Bea to deal with.
This should have been the moment I ran to Aen, threw myself in his arms, and just held him. Instead, my muscles locked down tight, holding me still. Too much, too much, pulsed inside me, ruling my head and my heart. I couldn’t take the necessary steps towards him, but away? My feet were moving, my legs rushing before I had a second thought, striding first, and when I heard my name, running. I pushed out of the training room, running blind as tears streamed down my face. I wound my way past the people moving into the rooms, just running and running until he came.
I found a darkened corner, away from everything, from everyone, and wedged myself in it, sliding down the walls, the tears coming more freely now the rest of my body didn’t need to do anything. My hands went to my face, masking my tears, but the sounds were loud enough, and perhaps that’s what brought him.
“Kira…”
He’d said my name plenty of times before, but there was something else to this—warm, caring, endlessly sad. His hands were tentative when they came to rest on my arms, sliding up when I didn’t push him away.
Which I fucking should. I speared him with my watery gaze, somehow looking upon someone in anger was so much easier than in love. Because that’s what powered my legs, put the speed in my feet as I ran, as if by putting as much physical distance between Aen and me, I’d be able to maintain that emotionally. Johnno nodded in recognition of my glare but didn’t back up. He just crouched before me, holding my arms, then pulled me into his.
I scratched at him when he did, pushed at that broad muscular chest, my fingernails snagging on the well-worn cotton of his shirt. I shoved and writhed and fought to get free, but he didn’t let up, taking every blow like it was his due, and maybe it was.
Finally, I stopped acting like a fucking child and sobered up, seeing the rucked fabric of Johnno’s shirt, his reddened skin, his stricken face, and it was all like several slaps to my face. I ran a shaking hand through my hair, not knowing what to do with my hands but feeling the need to move them.
To reach out.
I smothered that quickly, something Johnno noted with a quick nod.
“Nothing’s broken. You’ve had a tough day.”
“How did you know?”
“We all feel each other down the bond. What I felt from Billy… That was new. I got your distress too, so I put two and two together. Then whatever the fuck aberration that was. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that scared. You were all fucking amazing though.” He shook his head. “Will Aen want to hold you tight and reassure himself you’re OK? Damn fucking straight he will, but you’ve got time. Wash your face, have a lie down, and then find him.”
“Ever the preceptor,” I said with a dark look.
He snorted at that, then rubbed at his hair.
“Not that anymore. What you are? I’ve got no advice for you.” It rose in his eyes—a pain so naked, it hurt to look at. “Right now, there’s only something I think you’re all too familiar with.” He waited until I nodded to finish. “The ache.”
“What do you ache for, Johnno?”
My words were sharp, abrupt, but the question was out before I even thought about asking it. He smiled, but it was an ugly, pained thing.
“You never asked me that. Everyone else but me.” His hands rubbed together when he pulled them away from me. “The thing I ache for, Kira…” He stared down the hallway for a moment, then back at me. “It’s the missed opportunity—of being the man you needed, of being the preceptor I should’ve, but even when I fucked that up, a chance came, here. But it’s all games and power plays, all over again.” He shook his head. “I might not have been a good man, but I want to be. That’s what I ache for, the chance of that for you.”
He silenced me as effectively as a hand slapped over my mouth, my breath taken away by the rush that came in response to his words. For a moment, I just stared. Then I was on my feet, towering over him, which made me feel a little better.
“If you asked me even a week ago, I’d have said I wanted that more than anything.”
“And now?” he asked, not flinching once.
“And now I don’t know what I want.”
I walked away from him because that always felt good and made me feel strong, which made no sense.
Because you don’t have to deal with complex feelings when you do. You’re trying to keep things artificially simple. There is no future there for you, Kira, Lilith said.
I know. I’ll get up and face all of the music after I’ve face planted on the bed, I promise.
She didn’t answer when I opened the bedroom door, and I felt both relieved and stung that the place was empty. I didn’t let the contradictory sways of my heart make me any more seasick, throwing myself face down on the bed, my eyes closing instantly. I stank of fire, ash, and sweat. I needed a shower, but my brain wasn’t having any more of that. Unconsciousness grabbed at me, sucking me down into its velvet undertow in minutes.
Chapter 5
When the knock came at my door, I woke with a start, then rolled out of the massive bed reluctantly. With consciousness came all of the shit, rushing up to be dealt with. Connection, trials, training, Aragide. What the hell did all of that mean?