Matthew pulled Kit to a stop and hauled him into his arms. For a long moment, he held Kit and said nothing. He kissed Kit’s hair. “I’m sorry. There’s not a damn thing wrong with you. It was all me.”
Kit rubbed his back. “We’re fine, baby. Don’t worry, okay? We’re learning as we go.”
They were, but Matthew still felt like he was failing. He loved Kit. It was inevitable Matthew would lose him, but he wasn’t ready yet. He needed more time.
Kit had never seen Matthew act jealous before. It was kind of hot. The way Matthew had stared down Slade, obviously ready to fight, made Kit a little too happy. Kit didn’t drive people to be possessive. Truthfully, he wasn’t much of a prize. While Kit came in a nice package, his attributes were skin deep. Once people got to know him, they didn’t find him hot any longer. Matthew was the only exception. He was the only one who mattered. Now, if he could just get Matthew to stop apologizing every five minutes.
“It sucks that your ring has to be sized. I wanted you to have it now.”
Matthew squeezed Kit’s hand. “I feel like that’s one more way I failed you today.”
Kit drew a steadying breath through his nose. “Please stop. You have beaten this dead horse all day. If I’m unhappy with you, you’ll know it. I’ll make sure you’re every bit as miserable as I am until you make it right. Seriously, I’ll make you sorry for real.”
Matthew’s smile turned genuine. He brought Kit’s hand to his mouth. “One more time. I’m sorry. Now, can I have cuddles? I’ve been kicking my ass all day and now I need emotional support.”
A smile snapped to Kit’s lips. He truly loved this man. The first time Matthew had asked him to lunch over a year ago, Kit had only seen Matthew’s pretty package. Kit hadn’t realized how perfect they would fit. “This plan is acceptable to me, yes.”
Matthew held tight to Kit’s hand and led him to the bedroom. The bed they shared was king sized, but Kit swore they always only used one side. The other side of the bed was always still perfectly made each morning. They never moved away from holding each other. Once Matthew climbed in, Kit joined him, settling into Matthew’s arms.
Time passed without Kit. His entire being stayed focused on Matthew’s warmth, touch, and heartbeat. He knew when Matthew finally dozed. A smile tugged at Kit’s lips. Matthew didn’t snore. He kind of purred. Kit never got enough of every detail of Matthew. Unfortunately, Kit wasn’t the least bit tired. He kept hoping that maybe one day he would find a sense of normalcy while he wasn’t looking. It hadn’t happened yet. Nights never stopped being hard. The fear never went away. Flashbacks held him hostage if he didn’t find other ways to distract himself until he passed out.
Kit untangled himself from Matthew’s hold. He moved slowly, ensuring Matthew wasn’t disturbed. Once Kit was certain Matthew would sleep okay without him, Kit tucked the blanket around him, and sat up. He leaned against the headboard and grabbed his book. The nightlight by the bed was enough for Kit to make out the words. Time slipped away as his gaze slid across the pages, seeing the scenes play out inside his mind.
Matthew whimpered.
Kit’s gaze moved to his face. It was screwed up in pain. As Kit looked on, sweat beaded Matthew’s skin. Kit set his book aside and brushed his fingers through Matthew’s hair.
Matthew’s eyes shot open. They looked dead. Kit could tell he was still asleep. He had that sleep-walking look about him—like he wasn’t there.
Kit kept his voice soft. “Are you okay?”
Matthew’s dead eyes focused on Kit. “He’s coming.”
Kit’s chest tightened. Chill bumps raced down his skin. Fear sideswiped him.
Matthew whimpered again.
Kit tried harder to break the spell that kept Matthew trapped. “It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you.”
Tears welled in Matthew’s eyes. “I can’t keep you safe.” Before Kit could react, Matthew’s body bowed. He started swinging, fighting an invisible foe. Matthew was wild with fear. His cries tore at Kit’s heart. Kit turned desperate in his attempt to pull Matthew from his nightmare. He shook Matthew and called his name. Nothing broke through his terror. A solid elbow connected with Kit’s nose. Blood splashed the sheets as Kit cried out in pain.
Matthew leapt from the bed. His crazed gaze scanned the room before settling on Kit. Blood gushed from Kit. He tried staunching the flow without luck.
“Oh my god, Kit. Are you okay?”
Kit tried nodding. Between the pain, the blood, and his fear, he wasn’t sure if he succeeded.
Matthew rushed to his side and plucked him from the bed. After rushing him inside the bathroom, Matthew set Kit on the vanity. He grabbed a washcloth and wet it with warm water before trying to clean away the blood.
Kit couldn’t look away from Matthew’s face. Tears streamed down his cheeks. Kit wondered if Matthew even noticed. Not for the first time, Kit questioned if he knew Matthew at all. They always avoided talking about the past. Kit had nothing good to say. He worried if he asked Matthew about his past, then Matthew would want to trade. Kit couldn’t go there. Judging by Matthew’s scars and his story about Kit saving him from suicide by cop, Kit imagined Matthew didn’t want to go there either. Now he wondered if not talking had been a mistake. He felt like he was staring at a stranger.
Matthew kept apologizing.
The shock finally dissipated enough for Kit to speak. “Stop. You were having a nightmare. I know you’d never hit me on purpose.”
More tears streamed down Matthew’s cheeks. His face screwed up in pain. “That’s no excuse.”
Matthew felt unreachable in that moment. Kit felt helpless. He didn’t know how to fix what he didn’t understand.
After checking behind the washcloth, Matthew seemed satisfied Kit had stopped bleeding. He tossed the cloth in the sink. He gripped the edge of the counter. His knuckles turned white as he stared at the bathroom floor. Kit stared at the top of Matthew’s bowed head, waiting for the explosion. He swore he felt the pressure building in the bathroom, getting ready to level everything in its path.
Matthew finally straightened. “Don’t move. I’ll grab you a clean shirt.”
Kit’s mouth opened. He didn’t know what he planned to say. Matthew disappeared before he could say a thing.
He returned a few seconds later, empty-handed. “I can’t think. Let’s just get you out of these bloody clothes. You usually sleep nude anyhow.”
With a nod, Kit let Matthew gently undress him. This seemed important. He could feel Matthew’s need to care for him. Once he was nude, Matthew carried Kit back to bed and tucked him in. Kit felt like a black hole had opened in his chest. Despite Matthew’s loving touch, Matthew looked like he had mentally retreated. Kit could feel Matthew withdrawing from him a little more by the second.
Matthew whisked his lips across Kit’s. “Get some sleep, angel. I love you.”
Panic shot through Kit. “I love you too. Aren’t you joining me?”
With a shake of his head, Matthew never met his gaze. “I just need a minute, okay? I’ll be back before you can miss me.”
Kit already missed him. Something didn’t feel right. Kit didn’t know how to fix it. His face throbbed and Matthew looked ready to bolt. Nothing felt right anymore. He was terrified, and Kit wondered if he would be sick. But, for whatever reason, Kit simply agreed and watched as Matthew left him alone.