“It’s not a problem at all, Mrs. G.,” Maris says. Even though I know it was. Forget about the physical strain, the emotional one was a huge issue she had to shoulder as well, but I keep my mouth closed.
The woman stands up and makes notes on her clipboard without saying anything. “That’s all I needed.”
Maris bites her lip anxiously. “I know you normally don’t give any indication about the report—”
“You know I can’t, dear.”
“But before I move the unit back in place, can you let me know if everything is okay? I had friends who were gracious enough to help me move it. I would hate to have to impose on them if I have to move it again,” Maris explains.
My temper slips a notch, and I’m not certain if it’s because the most self-sufficient woman I know is kowtowing to this woman or because she classified me back to a friend when we’ve expressed our love to one another. But I step back into the shadows because this isn’t my deal; it’s Maris’s. I have to trust her to handle this as she sees fit.
It turns out that is the best way. “Let me call my supervisor and ask if I can give you a verbal preliminary about just these two outlets. I understand your concerns. How about that?”
Maris’s whole body sags in relief. “That would be great, Mrs. G. Just those two outlets. I can wait on everything else.”
“Then give me a few moments. I’ll place the call outside.” Mrs. Gustofson steps outside to make the call.
When she does, I turn to Maris. As if she’s anticipating my words, she holds up a hand. “Not now, Nick. Please? All I’m asking is that you wait until after she leaves.”
“Maris, I’ve never seen you so…supplicant to anyone in your life.”
“I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life.”
I fall back as if I’ve taken a high kick to the jaw. “Nothing?” I manage.
“No, Nick. Nothing. You could go out tomorrow and…” Her voice breaks, but she continues. “Have a baby of your own seed. A biological child. I can never have that. Never. And the bond I felt with this little boy… The closest way I can explain it is to say it’s like what I had with Jed. That’s how strong and pure it is.”
I’m about to open my mouth to reply when the front door opens. Mrs. Gustofson’s footsteps clamor up the stairs. “Good news, Maris.”
“In more ways than one, I hope,” she jokes.
“Actually yes. I can tell you about those two outlets, so whomever you strong-armed into helping you move that unit can help you shift it back into place. And yes, both outlets are fine. We do recommend if they don’t have anything plugged into them you purchase some baby plug protectors so no dust can get into them so they don’t become a fire hazard.”
Maris immediately says, “I’ll go pick up some today.”
“Wonderful. If you could text me a picture before you move the unit back in place, then we’ll consider that matter closed.” Mrs. Gustofson makes a few notes, then calls Maris over. The two women speak softly. Maris opens her mouth and then closes it. Mrs. Gustofson frowns before her face smooths out. She rubs a hand up and down Maris’s arm. Then she hands Maris a pen and points to several locations on a piece of paper.
Maris signs the first few spots quickly. If I wasn’t watching her so intently, I’d have missed her glance at me before she signed the final space. Don’t think I won’t be asking about that, Sunshine.
The two women shake hands. Mrs. Gustofson offers her hand to me as well. I add the slightest bit of pressure. She’s startled. “Goodness, I think I know who one of the individuals was who helped you move the wall unit.”
Maris rolls her eyes heavenward.
“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to help Maris, Mrs. Gustofson.”
Her cheerful smile fades. “That’s good to know, Mr. Cain. Both of you have a nice day.”
I bide my time until the front door closes and her car pulls out of the driveway before I turn and face Maris. “Tell me what she said to you.”
“It was nothing, Nick.” Maris starts to pass me, but I reach out and hook my arm around her to drag her in front of me. “You do realize I have to drive to town to find stuff to babyproof my house before I can beg you and Brad to move the beast back into place?”
“What did she say, Maris? And don’t try to tell me nothing. I caught that little look before you signed that document—whatever it was.”
“It was nothing that concerned you, Nick. I promise.”
“Maris…”
Her voice filled with exasperation, Maris lets it all out. “All she wanted to know was if I was still applying for adoption as a single parent. She gave the implication it would make a difference on the application. I told her I was. End of story. Okay?” Maris breaks free and storms off to go get her purse.
No. Not okay. None of this feels okay. In fact, it hurts. Everything from her comments before to this make my heart ache in a way I want to talk about, but I don’t feel like I have the right to because I’m not the one who lost everything.
But somehow, I still feel like I am.
I’m still standing in the exact same spot when two arms wrap around me from behind. “I’m sorry. None of this is your fault. Not the accident, not people’s antiquated minds that believe a two-parent household is better than one. Certainly not a television unit that my parents bought that weighs half a ton.” She shifts around until I hold her in my arms. “Do you forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” I tell her honestly.
Except there is.
She’s making a life here in Juneau that doesn’t include me. So how am I supposed to convince her to leave it?
She seems intent on building a life without me in it. And somehow I have to figure out a way to change that.
Maris
“In a perfect Utopia, I’d get to arrange everyone to reconnect with their true mate. Remember, since it’s my perfect world, there would be no barriers to stand in my way. Brad and Rainey, of course. But I’d have Jennings read his fucking email. Kody would have ignored my stupid advice and asked Meadow out anyway. And Nick? He’d have figured out a way to explain who he really is as a person to Maris. Hell, to all of them.
And all of this would have happened before so many people struggled.” - From the journals of Jedidiah Smith.
Nick and I are curled up on the couch after he and Brad managed to shift the wall unit back in place. Watching his muscles ripple beneath his tee earlier, I wanted nothing more than to say screw it, kick Brad out, and back Nick up to the nearest available flat surface. But oddly, this is better. It’s normal. And it gives me something I’ve been missing for a long time.
Hope.
As I lie on top of him, I snuggle closer as the announcers for the pay-per-view MMA Title Fight I purchased months ago compare the fighters. “Sorry it’s not one of your guys?”
I’m shocked when Nick shakes his head. “Not tonight.”
“Hold on. Do I have the real Nick Cain here? Can you do something to make certain you don’t have a forked tongue? Maybe I need to get a couple cans of bug spray to battle you or something?” I reference the original Men in Black movie.