Kian rubs circles on my back. “Hindsight and all that.”
“You warned me she was in a bad place. I’m sorry I ignored you and dismissed your opinion every time you offered it. I didn’t want to believe she could do something like this.”
“Don’t apologize. Who would ever want to think their family member is capable of suicide?” He stands up and takes his dishes to the sink. “I better get going. What time do you want me here in the morning?”
“You don’t need to—”
“Archer, it’s been a long day and I’m tired. Can we skip the argument we’re about to have? You can’t do everything on your own. You can’t be at the hospital and with the kids. It’s impossible. Can we please just get to the part where you say, ‘if you’re sure.’” He deepens his voice to mock me. “And I’ll say it’s no problem and then you’ll tell me what time to be here tomorrow.”
My head lulls forward as I shake it, knowing he’s right. “Fine. Is ten okay?”
“Yep and if anything changes overnight, call me.” He pats my back and brushes past me, heading for the front door.
“Why are you helping me?” I ask without turning around.
“Because we’re friends.”
Sunday morning, I’m back at the hospital. I didn’t sleep worth a shit last night and the kids were impossible after they woke up, not accepting my vague answers about their mommy’s whereabouts. I was happy when Kian showed up with a full day planned to keep them busy. He rushed me out the door, telling me I was hovering when I asked what he was going to do with them.
I run into Dr. Miller leaving Sara’s room as I’m walking in. He’s not in the same lab coat and dress shirt like he was yesterday. Today he’s casual and I can’t stop my perusal. The doctor is fit. His biceps stretch across the sleeves of his T-shirt to accommodate them and his jeans showcase his thick thighs.
“Archer, I’m glad I ran into you. Why don’t we step inside Sara’s room so I can go over everything with you?” He holds the door open and motions me in.
Sara’s in the same position, looking small in the cumbersome bed. Her eyes are still closed and the tube lodged in her mouth. Her color has changed, though, and she looks very much alive. I sit next to her and take her hand.
“Her vitals are improving and her EEG showed brain activity. Those are all good signs that she’s going to make it through this,” Dr. Miller explains.
“Okay, so when will she wake up?”
“If she pulls through, and I have every hope she will, it’ll be when she’s ready. Her body went through a huge trauma and she needs this time to rest. I’m off today, but since we have a limited staff, I’ll be keeping in constant contact with the nurses and I’ll rush over the second there’s any change.”
“You’re going to leave her here like this?” I panic and wonder if I should move her to a bigger city where there are more equipped hospitals.
Miller chuckles. “I assure you, she’s in better hands with my nurses than with me alone.”
“Okay, I guess. Have fun golfing. I’ll be here with my comatose sister,” I lash out.
He scowls at me, making his handsome face contort into something ugly. “I’m not the enemy, Archer. I know you’re scared, but my patients are my priority. I wouldn’t be leaving if I thought it was detrimental to Sara’s health.”
“I’m sorry.” I run a hand through my hair. “You’re right, but I’m scared. She has two little kids at home. Did you know that?”
“I did. Even if she didn’t, I would make sure she was given the best care.”
“Thank you.”
“Here’s my card. It has my personal cell on the back. Call me if you have any concerns the nurses can’t help you with.”
I accept the card, making sure the number is legible. “Thanks, doc.”
“Lance. You can call me Lance.”
I nod and he leaves. I tuck the card away in my wallet and spend the day talking to my sister, telling her all the things I wish I’d said before she tried to take her own life.
“Do you remember the time I botched our mac and cheese? I think you were eight or nine. Mom had left with some guy named Axel or something. Dad was too depressed to quit drinking and go to work. Yeah, I know. One of the many times. Anyway, we were so hungry and all we had was mac and cheese in the cupboard. I misread the directions and put the milk, butter, and cheese packet in with the water so when I drained it, we were left with plain noodles.” I chuckle at the memory. “You didn’t want me to feel bad, so you ate them anyway and said you liked them better that way. I knew you were lying, but I remember being proud of myself anyway.
“I always wanted to take care of you. I felt like it was my duty. But I’ve failed you for many years now. I thought when you went off to college that I was done, that you were an adult. I never considered you still needing me. I got caught up with Mason and then caught up in grief. I’m sorry about that.”
She doesn’t respond, but still I reminisce for hours, only stopping when the nurses come in to take her vitals. I pray to a God I don’t know exists. I will her awake. I scold her and yell at her. I guilt her about her kids being sad without her. Nothing works. By 10:00 p.m. she still lies there and here I am, leaving her here yet again. All alone.
I stop in, reminding the nurses to call me no matter the time. They’re annoyed with me, I see it in their eyes, but they agree and tell me to get some rest. I wish I could. I really do. I’m exhausted. But I know it won’t happen until Sara opens her goddamn eyes.
I drive home, wondering what I’ll do. I need to work, but I also can’t imagine not being next to Sara’s side. Plus, there are the kids. I’ll have to find a babysitter. Maybe Mrs. Porter can help, at least for a while.
As I pull into the driveway, I’ve already decided to call in sick tomorrow. I’ll work out what to do for the rest of the week later. I can’t fish when I haven’t been sleeping. It’s not safe for Oliver or me.
Inside the house is silent, other than the TV in the living room on a low volume. I find Kian sprawled out on the sofa, dead asleep. One arm hangs off the cushion and the other is draped over his eyes. His pouty mouth hangs open and he’s snoring softly.
“Kian.” I rub a hand on the center of his chest. It’s an intimate touch, but I don’t want to startle him. A week ago, I would’ve woken him with a kiss. But we’re back to friends only mode, so I ignore the pull.
“What?” He groans, stirring.
“I’m home.”
“Okay.” He turns on his side and is instantly asleep again.
“Kian. Don’t you want to get home?”
I’m met with more sleep sounds, so I grab a blanket from the back of the couch and spread it over him. I flip the TV off and turn out the lights. If he wakes up sometime in the night, he can leave, but he’s so peaceful, I can’t press him to get up.
I find a change of clothes and take a quick shower, wanting to wash away the antiseptic smell of Sara’s hospital room. Clean and warm, clad only in my boxers, I fall face first into bed.