I meet up with Ms Jones and she’s thrilled with my progress. That’s what she says, her grey eyes shining: ‘I’m thrilled with you!’ She calls Dad in front of me to tell him how well I’m doing.
I stay up later and later every evening, work harder and harder. The harder I work, the less I think about reaching for that bottle of whisky under the bed. Anyway, I want to leave what’s left for Akash. In case he comes back again.
And then, like a reward for my good behaviour, the things I’m hoping for actually happen. Mum doesn’t mention the baby again. It’s like it never happened. And twice Akash finishes my paintings while I’m sleeping. Each time, I wake up in his bed. He drinks the rest of my whisky and starts a new bottle from Dad’s cabinet. Hides the new bottle under his bed this time.
I see Josh at lunchtimes. We meet under the willow tree at the top of the front field. We lie on the grass and look up at the blue sky and hold hands. We talk about exams and revision and Josh’s dad. But mostly we kiss. I find myself thinking about him in lessons. And at home, once Mum and Dad’s friends come over for dinner in the evenings, I escape to my room to revise and message him.
Only once do I break my pact and sneak out to meet him at the graveyard again. This time, I don’t stay out too late, and I don’t panic as much when I climb back through the window. Everything seems to be going smoothly. Josh does keep asking to see me more, but, when I tell him I can’t, he understands. I’m even feeling … happy … As if all the heaviness of the past ten and a half months is slipping away, and I’m being … lifted. No antidepressants, just real joy. But I don’t think about happiness too much. I don’t want to jinx it.
The only person who doesn’t like me working hard is Fi. She keeps messaging to invite me to parties at hers, complaining she doesn’t know what’s up with me. I need to let my hair down, she says. At first, she’s moody. Then she stops messaging altogether. She doesn’t reply to my messages or answer my calls. I almost give in and go to her house, but stop myself.
Then it’s Friday again. Unexpectedly, Fi calls as I’m walking up the field to meet Josh for lunch. I freeze, my heart pounding. My eyes fill up and I realize how much I’ve missed her. I answer straight away.
‘I need to speak to you,’ she says. ‘Can you meet me at the usual place?’
‘I can’t,’ I tell her. ‘I don’t want to get caught.’
‘Please, Neens,’ she says. ‘It’s really important.’ She sounds upset. Her voice is heavy. I wave to Josh, calling him over to tell him. ‘OK,’ I say. ‘I’m coming now.’
Fi is at the end of the field, loitering near the bike shed, as I approach. Her red hair shimmers in the sunlight as she runs her fingers through the long strands; she looks sparkly and fresh and I’ve missed her so much, the way I feel a bit more together when I’m around her.
‘Everything OK?’ I ask. I hug her tight. ‘I haven’t heard from you in ages. Are you all right?’
She lights a cigarette and I take a step back. I don’t want to smell of smoke.
‘Yeah, all good,’ she says, puffing away. ‘But we’re going for a drive. I want to take you somewhere.’
I frown at her and then peer back at the school building. Whatever she wants, I can’t do it. I’ve only just got Ms Jones and my parents back onside. And she doesn’t seem upset, like I thought, after all. I look back at her. ‘No, I’m not leaving school. I can’t.’
Fi rolls her eyes. ‘Do you realize what a bore you’ve become, Neens?’ She does a fake, exaggerated yawn. ‘Come on, we won’t get caught. You know how easy it is!’
She starts walking but I stay put. A part of me wants to follow her. I want to make her happy. And I want to fill her in on everything that’s happening with Josh. But I can’t go with her. I can’t risk it.
Fi turns back round and raises an eyebrow.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, shrugging.
She stares at me. ‘You can’t be scared of everything all your life,’ she says. ‘What would he think? What would Akash think?’
I go cold. What would he think?
My brother wasn’t scared of stuff. He was brave. Adventurous. Bold. I recall the night when it all happened. Remember how he’d begged me to go to the party at Fi’s with him. But I didn’t because I was too scared of getting caught by Mum and Dad. And look how that turned out.
I should have been braver. I should be brave now. More like him. But what about art college?
I keep my feet firmly on the ground, even though my mind feels like it’s already left with Fi.
Fi sighs. I glance towards the school building again. I’m getting twitchy about getting back – and I mean literally. The skin on my face is twitching all over. It must be nerves or something. I’m about to walk away from Fi when I notice that she actually looks a bit nervous too. Is her lip also twitching, or is it my imagination?
She steps towards me and her face softens. She licks her lips and takes a deep breath. ‘So, I might have a lead,’ she says, and it comes out as a whisper. ‘A proper one.’
Now my skin gets really prickly. Up and down my arms, my legs, my neck. I stare at the freckles on Fi’s face, suddenly nervous as hell. ‘What do you mean?’ I say, and I’m also whispering.
Fi clears her throat. Her face hardens again, her eyes suddenly watching everything – the field, her watch, my face. ‘Remember I said I might have something?’
‘But … but then you said it was nothing.’
‘I know, I know. But actually …’ Fi rubs her forehead. Is she sweating? ‘I didn’t want you to get your hopes up, but this guy … He’s a good friend of Akash’s. He might know something …’
I take long, deep breaths. Slow and steady. The way my brother taught me.
‘I’ve been chatting to him for months,’ Fi goes on. ‘I can’t get anything out of him other than that he saw Akash that night.’
‘What? That night? This is huge!’
She nods. ‘But if you speak to him … If you try …’ She pauses, catches her breath, swallows. ‘He refused to speak to you for ages, but I’ve begged and begged, and he … he said yes, Neens.’ Her voice breaks and her eyes fill. ‘So … if you want to speak to him, you need to come now. He’s expecting us.’
My heart races as my brain tries to process it all.
Fi puts her arm round me. ‘You still want to get to the bottom of what happened, don’t you?’
I nod. I put my arm round her too. And then we’re walking towards the far end of the field, and my chest and toes are on fire. My skin is prickling all over now, even the soles of my feet, my palms, the inside of my ears.
‘I just don’t want us to get our hopes up,’ Fi says as we climb over the gate to get to her car.
‘Yeah,’ I manage to say. But it’s too late. My mind’s racing ahead with the possibility of tracing Akash’s steps that night. The possibility of finding everything out …
Fi drives fast as we head away from school. Too fast. But it doesn’t bother me like it would have this morning. She glances at me apologetically as she runs a red light.