I won’t forget Elliot.
I worry that he’ll be replaced if I allow someone else into my life. But the question is, why am I still holding on so tightly to something that exists only in my memory?
“If this is what you want, then make it right,” Alice states simply.
“What if it’s not what I want?” I ask, not only posing the question to Alice but to myself, too.
“Then let him know. You can’t keep stringing him along.”
She’s right, but I’m torn. This idealized version of a romance is what I have built up in my head and I know it isn’t reality, yet I can’t let it go. I don’t know why I’m looking to be swept off my feet and feel overwhelmed by love.
“I want to be with him, but there’s something wrong with me, Alice. I can’t get over Elliot and it’s ruining my life.” I sound desperate and whiny and that’s not how I want to come across, but by now I’m over trying to figure out what’s fucking with my head.
“End it now, Nora. This isn’t what you want. I’ve put off telling you what to do because I assumed you’d come to the realization on your own, but clearly I was wrong.” I can hear the annoyance in Alice’s tone. Not only have I been stringing Ryan along, Alice has had to deal with my constant whining for the last few months.
“And,” she says, her tone softening a little, “I’ve been where you are, Nora and I’ve made my fair share of mistakes. It sucks. Don’t settle. Don’t sell yourself short and definitely don’t stay with Ryan because you’re scared.”
“I gotta go,” I tell her and I hear her exhale hard into the phone. “Settle down. I’m going to tell Ryan it’s over. You’re right.”
“Oh my fucking god. All it took was me yelling at you to get your shit together?”
“Guess so. Not that I don’t still feel fucking awful. He’s going to hate me,” I say, running my free hand over my face.
“That’s something you’ll have to deal with and trust me, you’ll get over it,” Alice states unsympathetically.
“Alice, that’s really cold,” I answer, yet still knowing how right she is.
“It is what it is.”
It takes me at least an hour to work up the courage to haul my ass to Ryan’s house and tell him I can’t continue seeing him. I know he said to give it the weekend, but I don’t want to drag this out anymore.
I’m suddenly overcome with anxiety as I push my finger to the bell at his garden level apartment. I’ve always loved Ryan’s apartment and at times even pictured myself living there with him. The quiet garden out back, the scraped and worn wide-plank wood floors, there was something soothing about it.
There were a lot of things about Ryan I loved, but in the end, I’m not in love with him and I probably never will be.
“Nora?” he questions as he opens the door and takes me in with his eyes. “What are you doing here?” His tone is formal and judging by the way he’s looking at me, my decision isn’t going to come as a shock to him. He’s made the call in his mind already.
“Can I come in?” I ask as he leaves me standing outside his door.
Stepping aside, I brush past him and into the small entryway of his apartment. Something about it immediately feels less welcoming than it has in the past. It feels darker, unnaturally quiet, lonely even.
Without stopping to choose my words carefully, I just simply state the reason why I’m here. “This isn’t going to work, Ryan.”
He nods his head but says nothing. His posture is stiff and his face impassible as he waits for me to speak again.
“I’m not sure what to say at this point, but I think we both knew this was coming. All I can say is I’m sorry.”
He chuckles a little to himself and it makes me self-conscious. I never intended for things to turn out this way and I don’t want him to remember me as the bitch who led him on.
“Honestly, Nora, it’s okay. I came to terms with it a while ago. I’ll never have your heart and I just can’t deal with that.” He shrugs his shoulders, as if he’s dismissing me, like this is my easy out. I can walk away without feeling guilty because it’s a mutual decision.
It doesn’t work that way. While the decision might be mutual, it was ultimately me who led us to this point.
“Take care,” he says as he turns back toward the door, opening it and giving me a curt tip of his head as if to say it’s time for me to leave. “Sometimes this is just the way things end. Don’t overthink it,” he adds when I stall a bit before walking out the door.
“Bye, Ryan,” I say as he’s closing the door.
It’s a moment like this when I feel like I should be crying, but it’s almost as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
That probably makes me a terrible person.
Chapter Twenty-Five: Elliot
I spend the next couple of days sitting on the beach alone doing absolutely nothing. It’s quiet and peaceful and the more I’m here the more I wonder why I ever left. I left because I thought I was better than just a lifeguard, that I needed to find a life where I could start over. Now that I have it, I hate it. I hate my job, the money, the business of my life. I’d trade it all just to come back here and there are times I’d trade it all just to have one more day with Nora.
I think about my choices and how they may ultimately have made it impossible for Nora to find me. Had I just stayed in San Diego, working at my guard tower, the one I took Nora to, maybe she would have found me. Maybe we would be together now, living happily. I can’t continue to rehash all the mistakes I’ve made. I just need to move forward.
I was able to adjust my flight to leave from San Diego, but the soonest I can get into New York City will be around seven o’clock on Sunday night. Nora’s book signing is at seven and I’m afraid I might miss it should I get delayed at all. Regardless of what happens I’m not backing out this time.
My flight leaves in an hour and I’m sitting at the airport now. I replied to the email from Nora’s publishing company letting her know I’m planning to come to the signing. I’m not sure why I replied, guess I was hoping she would tell Nora since I still have no way of contacting her directly. I would doubt her publisher even mentioned my email since she said there have been other guys claiming to be me.
I land at JFK without incident and hail a cab to the bookstore. I’m shifting my weight from foot to foot as I wait for a taxi to pull up. I can’t remember the last time I was this nervous, but I keep repeating my father’s words in my head…what’s the worst that can happen?
Right before I left, Maggie told me she was happy with my decision and while she’s friends with Bridgitte and had hoped things would work out for us, it wasn’t meant to be.
As the cab sits in a flurry of traffic I check my watch at least one hundred times hoping things get moving. It’s now a quarter after nine and I’m still miles from the bookstore.
“Don’t take 278,” I tell the cab driver. “It’s under construction.” I let out an annoyed huff as he fails to acknowledge my suggestion and heads that direction anyway. “Seriously, man, I’m in a hurry and this traffic is fucking ridiculous.”