It only takes a second for me to answer and I can tell by the look on his face he’s floored by my response.
“I choose you,” I say, despite the shakiness to my voice. “It’s you, Ryan.” I have no idea what I’m doing right now, but I can’t keep waiting around for my life to happen. Whether that was Elliot or not at my apartment last night, Ryan came back. Ryan is the one here with me.
“Okay,” he says and I don’t know why but I expected more of a response from him than that.
I guess I’m being a little self-absorbed to think he should be celebrating. All I’ve said is that I choose him. There’s nothing to back it up right now except my words and lately my word means shit. Really my actions over the past few months have indicated I’m just not available to him emotionally and that needs to change.
If this is the path I’ve decided to venture down, I need to pull myself together and show Ryan this is really what I want.
“Are we really going to do this?” he asks and his words sting just a little, but I deserve it. I’ve led him on and I understand that he’s tired of it, but something keeps bringing him back to me.
I’ve always been a firm believer in fate and everything happening for a reason. It has held fast since meeting Elliot, and while I think some people are brought into our lives for a reason, whether the time is long-lasting or brief, it all matters and it shapes the people we become.
“Yes,” I answer as I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his waist, resting my head against his chest. “I’m sorry I’ve been detached from everything. That’s not how I feel about you, even if that’s the impression I gave you.”
“I know there are no guarantees in life, Nora, so I don’t expect you to say you’ll stay forever. I’m just asking you to give me all of you. If we can make this work, great, if not, at least we can say we gave it our best shot.”
Ryan’s arms cover my small frame, pulling me tighter against his chest and I feel myself melt into him. He’s comforting and warm and safe, and I know there’s a chance that I could grow to love him. But I can’t help but wonder, is love something that you make happen or is it something that is ingrained in you? Is there one person you are meant to fall in love with? That one person you are meant to find and despite all the obstacles in the world, you can somehow make it all work.
I know Ryan isn’t this person, but maybe people get sick of waiting around and make the best of what they have. Relationships take work and love is something that takes more effort than most are willing to give. I need to learn to give.
“I can give you that,” I whisper and I feel Ryan’s lips press to the top of my head in a soft, simple kiss. I don’t even know what I’m saying because inside I know I can’t fully give myself to Ryan. But what I do know is that I can’t continue this lonely existence of wondering what could’ve been with Elliot. I can’t go about my life wondering if he’ll show up, if I’ll find him or if I’ve let life pass me by.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Elliot
It’s been a few weeks since my stupid fucking quest to find Nora and while I did find her, it didn’t go down exactly as I had hoped. It went the opposite quite honestly, but it made me realize that I had been harboring feelings for someone who had moved on with their life. It’s what I should’ve fucking done years ago yet, I still to this day, think about Nora. I play a million what-if scenarios in my head.
What if Nora and that guy are broken up? What if I had found her sooner? What if I had approached her and she chose me?
It’s doing my fucking head in so instead of dealing with it rationally, I’ve booked myself a flight to San Diego, where I plan to visit my parents and Matt and Maggie, and then I’m going to check into an expensive ass hotel, drink, sit on the beach and order room service. It’s either my way of getting over it all or my way of continuing to wallow in my fucking stupidity.
My flight lands in the morning and I spend the rest of the day visiting with my parents and as we sit down to dinner my mom says, “I’m glad you decided to take some time off work and visit, but are you sure this doesn’t have something to do with that girl?”
It was hard to keep the truth from my family after Nora’s book was released and not that I think they would have realized it was written about me, but I had kept it to myself for so long it felt like the right time to tell them. It also explained my sudden breakup with Bridgitte, my random appearances in San Diego every August and why I’ve been so unhappy for the past few weeks, past several years even.
I did it over the phone like a total fucking chump. I couldn’t face them and explain that I looked for a girl for thirteen years only to find her and do absolutely fucking nothing after that. To find her in a relationship; happy and moving forward with her life while I ruined my relationship with Bridgitte, lied to my family and fucked up more times than I care to admit to.
I think my mother was hurt by my dishonesty, like she wanted me as an adult to share my problems with my family. It wasn’t going to happen and the only reason I’ve admitted it now is because it consumed such a massive part of my life.
My father claims I ran away from it all by moving to Chicago to attend college. He couldn’t understand why I left my county job as a lifeguard to start over in Chicago, and now I’m even starting to question why the fuck I bailed on that job, too.
I’ve questioned so many of my choices since finding Nora. I often wonder if I did move to Chicago because I was trying to start over, like I was trying to find a better life, and once I met Nora and lost her, I wanted something more. As if I’m in a constant state of seeking something that never existed in the first place.
“It doesn’t have to do with that girl,” I mutter in response to my mother’s question. I can hear the annoyance in her tone and the way she says ‘that girl’ indicates what she won’t say out loud. She thinks what I’ve done is stupid. And even as the words leave my mouth I know they’re a lie. Of course it has to do with Nora…everything has to do with Nora.
“Elliot,” my father says, his voice stern as if he’s speaking to his teenage son and instantly I regret my decision to come here and my decision to ever share this story with them. “I think you need to make some changes in your life beginning with finding that girl,” the way he says ‘that girl’ makes me smirk this time because I can tell he’s mocking my mother. “You’ve left yourself wondering and it’s eating away at you.”
I look up at him and a small smile forms on his lips and he shrugs his shoulders.
“What?” I question and he nods his head as my mother lets out a long huff. They obviously disagree on this.
“Just go and tell her who you are. What’s the worst that can happen? She says she isn’t interested? It can’t get much worse than that,” my father adds.
“If we’re giving opinions here,” my mother chimes in, “I think you should let it go and move on. It’s not like there’s been some great sign or anything.” She tosses her hand around and rolls her eyes, once again finding the situation idiotic.
“Yeah, yeah,” I mumble hoping to end this conversation right here, but of course that doesn’t happen.