“You look beautiful.”
The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. A blush covers Kiersten’s face and I want to kick myself for making things awkward. They were starting out so well.
She clears her throat and sets the box aside. “I’m uh…” she gestures over her shoulder with her thumb. “Just gonna shower.”
“Take your time. Extra towels are under the sink.”
She nods and turns to Carson, kissing him on top of the head before disappearing into the small bathroom.
It only takes a couple of minutes to finish making pancakes. Unfortunately, I only have the counter to sit at, and I don’t want Carson to fall off a barstool. Coffee table it is.
I bring two plates, one for each of us, and settle on the floor, stretching out my legs in front of me. Carson immediately climbs onto my lap like he’s known me forever. Truthfully, I feel the same way. There’s just something about this kid that draws me in and makes me want to take care of him all the time.
Kissing him on the top of the head, I can’t help feeling bad his dad and grandparents are missing this. I know those people are major assholes, but they truly are the losers in this situation.
I mean, who wouldn’t enjoy trying to get this kid dressed and watching him run around with some Paw Patrol underwear on his head before I can finally wrangle him into his clothes? I am quickly learning there is not a dull moment with this kid around.
“Oh, wow. You got dressed, buddy?”
I run my fingers through my probably disheveled hair and huff a deep breath. “That was more exercise than I’ve done in a while. Good thing he had more than one pair of clean underwear in that bag. He wore the first pair on his head while I got him changed.”
Kiersten smirks and begins picking up the dirty clothes I haven’t gotten to yet. “He thinks it’s funny.”
“Oh, it was. I just didn’t want a naked baby butt all over my couch. I had my head there last night and probably will again at some point.”
She giggles and once again I’m hit with how much I wish this was our morning normal.
“There’s more pancakes on the counter if you’re hungry.”
“I appreciate it but we actually have an appointment this morning.” She zips the bag closed and begins gathering puzzle pieces. “I know you do direct deposits for us but do you happen to have a paycheck stub? Or the last two?”
I furrow my brow at the odd request. “Yeah sure. They’re in the office. Everything okay?”
She smiles brightly and nods. “Fine. Carson has a WIC appointment this morning and I need proof of income.”
“What’s WIC?” I feel like I’ve heard of it before but I never really paid attention.
“It’s just a program that provides a small amount of food for Carson. Milk, cheese, eggs, things like that.”
I can feel my hackles rise. I had no idea things were that bad for them financially. “Are you okay?” I immediately ask. “Do you need money for food? You work so hard, I’m more than happy to help.”
Her chin drops as she fights to keep a smile off her face, cheeks pinkening. I already know she’s about to turn me down. “No, really. We’re okay. Our situation isn’t unusual. Lots of single moms get WIC to help supplement. It’s just the way it goes sometimes.”
“Oh man Kiersten, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. My story is mild compared to some of them. You’d be shocked what some single moms go through trying to provide for their kids. I have a great job and great friends. And I have you.”
I break away my gaze, clearing my throat. We need to have this conversation, I just hate that it has to happen at all. “Um, about last night.”
She holds her hand up to stop me. “It’s okay. I know it was… unexpected. I don’t plan to start telling everyone or whatever. That would be weird at work. Plus, I don’t even know what this is anymore.”
The look on her face is so hopeful. I can’t string her along. I can’t make her think we can be anything more than what we are. Instead, I blurt out the first words that come to my head.
“Kiersten, I’m not interested in dating you.”
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I know I’ve made a mistake. It’s not at all how I feel, but even worse, it looks like I’ve just slapped her. I grimace. “Dammit, that’s not what I mean.”
She blinks a few times. “Well, what do you mean?”
I try to come up with a way to explain everything I feel about her and why it grieves me to have only one night together. But how do I put the depth of what I feel into words? How can I possibly explain how much is on the line should it all go wrong? I have to try, though.
“You’re my employee.” She narrows her eyes at my shoddy explanation so I keep going. “Crossing those boundaries reflects badly on my business. It reflects badly on me. At some point, it could reflect badly on you, too. I don’t want to hurt any of us.”
Her chest heaves as she visibly tries to quell her anger. “Maybe you should have thought of that before you offered to babysit my son and brought him into this mess.”
“That’s different.” I scramble to my feet, hoping to diffuse the situation. I knew my honesty would hurt, but I don’t think I’m expressing myself in the right way either. I don’t think she’s understanding my motivation isn’t about her. It’s about protecting all of us.
“How?” She throws her arms out in frustration. “How is you building a relationship with the son of a single mom different? It could still lead to boundary issues, right? Hell, he’s already attached to you. You don’t think that’s a problem?”
I hang my head. She’s right. “Shit Kiersten, I’m sorry. I don’t mean it to sound like I’m rejecting you or him. I’m not. I like both of you, so much. And I wish it could be different. But it can’t.”
Failure is not an option.
She takes a calming breath before speaking again. “Paul, I like you. Too much, probably. I like the way you run your bar. I like the way you take care of people. But this,” she points back and forth between the two of us, and then between Carson and I. “This isn’t okay. I won’t be anyone’s side piece when you’re in the mood and I won’t be a dirty little secret. And I certainly won’t make him a dirty little secret. Ever.”
My eyes widen in shock. “That’s not—”
She holds up her hand again and I stop, knowing it’s probably better to hold my tongue until I can figure out the right words to say.
“Come on, sweet boy.” She grabs the bag and tosses the strap over her shoulder. “We have to go play.”
“Go pay?” Carson asks, looking up from the last of his breakfast.
“Yep.” She says it with a smile, but I can see the hurt in her eyes still. I put that there and I don’t know how to make it go away. “Say thank you to Paul so we can go.”
“Tanku, Paw.” He gives me another hug around the legs and my heart squeezes like there’s a vice around it as I rub his back.
“Any time, buddy.”
Then Kiersten takes him by the hand and doesn’t look back.