I take his dick in my hands, and he gets fully hard.
“Chandler,” he responds. “I promise. You think yours will fit in me, and mine won’t fit in you? You’re like, three inches longer. Like I said, open up first. Start to take it, inch by inch. I’ll go slow. It’ll burn at first, but that’s normal. And once the pain leaves…it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever felt.”
“You’re sure?”
“Fuck, yeah. I could literally bottom all day. I just like topping more.”
I kiss his forehead. “Good. Take my virginity, River Browning.”
He looks down.
“What?” I ask.
“Fuck…not to sound like some douchey straight guy who lusts after virgins or whatever,” River says, “but I can’t stop thinking about the fact that nobody has ever done this before.”
“And I love that you’re my first. Now do it.”
And the moment comes…
River sinks in his tip, and my whole body clenches.
“How does it feel?”
I make a whiny sound I’ve never heard come from me before. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. So good. It makes me feel…needy. For you.”
I realize I’m so worked-up, I’m teary-eyed. I know it’s just from all the adrenaline, but still it starts leading me down a dark mental path.
I’m doing it…
I’m doing what I told my dad I would never do…
I’m crying in front of another man…
And I’m letting myself be weak for him, too…
In the most physical way possible…
“Um,” I blurt out, “maybe we should…maybe…”
“What’s wrong?” River asks, and then I burst into tears and pull away from him.
11
River Browning
“I’m sorry,” Chandler says, wiping his face and turning around. “Look at me, I’m a wreck…”
“Chandler, what’s wrong?”
He takes a breath and then says this: “My dad has never told me he loved me.”
I fall back a little.
One time, during an emotional breakdown moment, my mom confessed that her father used to get drunk and throw things at her – she just blurted it out like that. This seems similar, and I have no idea how to proceed.
“Oh, this is – okay,” I begin. “Wow. Well…”
“But worse than that,” he says, “one time he beat me up for crying.”
“Chandler. What?”
“It was the morning I had to say goodbye to my childhood dog, Gus. He was miserable and they were taking him into the vet while I was going to be at school. I sat on the couch with him before the bus came, crying buckets, and my dad just got so…angry.”
“Angry?” I ask, unsure of how to respond.
“Yeah, like…I was thirteen, and he said I was too old to be crying, because men don’t cry. Especially in front of other men. But soon it got out of control – my mom tried to stop him, so he got angrier, and the next thing I knew, he was kicking me and punching me. I had bruises on my arms before my mom pulled him off. I had to wear a jacket to school so nobody would see. And I’ve never told anyone that.”
I wrap him up and let him wipe his face in my neck. “Chandler. If I could take that memory away from you, just take it out of your brain and make it go away, I would. I love you so much. And your dad…what can I say? He is a sick man, held back by so much fear, he doesn’t even know it.”
“I know. Trust me, I know. But…it made me become terrified of being weak in front of anyone, ever, for any reason. That’s why I went into football and gained all this muscle and became someone else…but it was never true. I was always sensitive, and he made me hide it – and when you asked me to bottom, I literally saw that morning in my mind – I could feel the couch cushions around me as he hit me.”
I wrap him up in my arms. “I’m so sorry…I never knew…I never expected…”
“It’s not your fault,” Chandler says soon. “I’m glad I did this. This was kind of the last remnant of all the pain from my old life…you saved me from all that, but at some point I had to confront it all and save myself, too. And I think the last of the pain just left me.”
I kiss his ear, then a dark thought comes to me. “By the way, he only did that one time, right?”
“Yeah, I promise. Why?”
“Because if I found out you’d been raised in an abusive household, I’d drive to his house and kill him, myself.”
“River, stop it. He was a weak man. But I’m not. I’m strong now. Because of you.”
Markus: So I’m taking a break from the gang bang to share you some new
Markus: I just met the love of my life
Markus: Or at least a penis that just became the love of my life, that happens to be attached to a man who does seem to be too bad at all
Markus: He’s taking me on a date for Valentine’s after the orgy!
Markus: So I’m not single for the holiday, after all!
Markus: I’ll update you after the date!! Love and kisses xoxox
“Nothing, just Markus up to their usual antics, God bless their soul.”
“Aw.”
“Did you like it? Even for those two seconds?”
“So much, I want it again.”
“You’re sure you’re okay now?”
“I’m more than okay – I’m really fucking horny for your cock. Let’s go, buddy.”
“On one condition.”
“Yes?”
“You never call me buddy again. I know you used to be straight, but…fuck. You’d might as well put on badly-fitting khakis and a baseball cap right now.”
“Oh, stop. No more straight stuff for me, ever. You are my destiny, River. Hey, that rhymed.”
“And you are mine. Now let me fuck that ass.”
12
Chandler Mendes
I feel some pressure, then a pinch, then a slight burn.
And suddenly, my boyfriend is inside of my body.
And I am no longer a virgin.
“How’s it feel?” he whispers.
“Shh.”
“What?”
“I just lost my virginity. I want to feel this.”
“I’ve never felt so close to anyone.”
“It feels…it feels…”
“Yes?”
“Your long national nightmare is finally over – you are officially dating a versatile guy now.”
“You really like it?”
“There isn’t a word. Now fuck me, River.”
He plunges into me.
Suddenly I realize my dad was wrong – being vulnerable to other men doesn’t make me weak. If anything, I feel stronger. I was brave enough to let the man I love, enter my body. I gave him entrance into my soul already, and now he inside my physically, too.
At the end of the day, what is stronger than letting yourself fall at the feet of love?
I am crying now, too, but tears of love – tears of strength. I am ashamed of those tears, either.