“Calvin, I understand you’re upset, but I told you when this happened with Chris that it was inevitable. Lauren is lonely and she loves us. I know you’re not happy about us making love…”
“Making love?” his voice cracks through my skull.
Finally, he’s talking, that’s the first step but from his tone, I can tell this conversation isn’t going to be civil.
“You’re such a fucking pussy.”
“She loves us… You’re delusional. Lauren doesn’t love you or Chris. Though he’s further up the totem pole than you are.” He laughs condescendingly.
“Right. She loves you, Cal, just you,” I reply unable to contain my sarcasm.
“You’re supposed to be the ‘logical one’, but now since you’re in the driver seat you aren’t thinking straight. You know it’s me she loves, who she wants, who she’d choose.”
I let out a deep breath. “It isn’t about choosing, Cal and you know that. How many times do I have to explain this to you? We are inevitably going to be one, not three, one… she loves us not just you.”
“You think because you read my daughter Harry Potter and got Lauren a place for her gallery—that was my idea in the first place—that she’s falling for you? You’re a pathetic shitty fill-in for me. Everything you know about her is because of me. You’re worse than Chris— you’re a parasite.” I hear bitter laughter in my ear. “No, you’re a fucking psychopath. You mimic emotion because you don’t feel it. You don’t even have your own personality. You’re a knockoff of Dexter!”
I swallow hard, knowing that this is what Cal does. He gets underneath people’s skin by insulting them, taking away their power by causing them to react emotionally. I’m just not used to him directing his insults at me.
“You have every right to your opinion Cal, but you forget that we’re on the same team… and I’m the coach, you’re just a player…” I probably shouldn’t have added the last part, but he’s so snide sometimes that I just want to retaliate back.
“What are they saying,” Helen asks, and I wonder if I’m not doing a good job as I thought being unreadable.
“Listen, you arrogant little fucker. I never thought you’d cross me. That was my bad, my screw up…” He laughs. “But you know better than to screw my wife. I thought we were a team. Do you think I’m going to let that slide?”
“Collin?” Helen asks urgently.
“You’re supposed to be neutral—you don’t do what we do! Aren’t you better, supposedly superior? You’re a piece of shit, that’s what you are… I’m warning you, touch her again, it's war.”
I laugh at him. “Well, in that case, you won’t know what you can’t see. You’re on time-out.”
“What the fuck does that mean, if you…!”
I open my eyes. “I’m shut out,” I tell Helen. She’s sitting in front of me with a strained look on her face. She’s good at hiding her feelings under veiled expressions, but I know she’s annoyed.
“That’s never happened before,” she says quietly.
I stand from my seat and walk to the window and pretend to be distracted with the people below us, but instead, Calvin’s words echo through my mind. Not just the insults, but also the insinuation behind them. He’s upset and reckless, and I’ll have to keep him at bay, which means letting Chris out in order to contain him.
“I know. They’re just being stubborn,” I tell her returning to my seat.
“Has something changed?”
I don’t lie to Helen. It’s never been in my interest to but she’s not going to like what I have to tell her and it’s always in my best interest to tell Helen things that she likes to hear. Seeing as she’s the one person that can eventually fix us, it’s hard to not be less than transparent with her than I’d like.
“Calvin is upset because Lauren and I had sex.” I notice her eyes widen just the tiniest bit. She nods as if taking in what I just said and crosses her legs shifting in her seat. She knows Calvin and sometimes I get an inkling that she likes him the most of all of us. She never got a chance to know Chris as he finds her repugnant, and I know I am the most forthcoming with her—the most useful when it comes to providing her solutions and information—but she knew Calvin first. Sometimes people, even those who understand emotions better than most, are swayed by that as if the first is better.
“Now things are becoming clearer,” she says simply with a half-smile. “I can imagine how that’s going over with Cal.”
“Exactly as you’d think.”
“So, he’s refusing to talk or is it that he’s talking too much?”
“He’s not saying anything of use, and I don’t think he’ll be cooperating in our sessions, so I’m shutting him out for now.”
“And you think that would be the most appropriate thing at this point, Collin?” She narrows her eyes at me.
“I believe it is. He’ll calm down eventually.”
She lets out a deep sigh. “Cal needs treatment, Collin. He has to be able to cope with the memories that’s resurfaced.”
I look at her blankly. She acts as if I’m a new guest to this party.
“He keeps having dreams of that night…. he says that with each dream there is something different each time. Sometimes the room is different, the color of his mother’s hair, her dress…” Helen says and I’m bored.
“It’s because he’s having trouble coming to the conclusion that what happened really did happen, Helen.” I am irritated and it’s creeping out in my tone.
“Well, him being able to cope with the series of events is essential for all of you. If he doesn’t work this out…”
“He won’t resurface if I don’t let him.”
The corner of her eyes crinkle. “You don’t know what problems that could create, Collin. It seems as if you’re acting more out of emotion.”
“I’m acting out of what’s best for us. I always do.” I remind her.
“Well, Cal shutting you and me out isn’t what’s best for anyone. I need to continue to speak with him, Collin. He has to process these emotions, memories, and he has to heal,” she urges, and I try to keep the last thread of my patience.
“Helen, he’s a grown man, he’s not a six-year-old boy.”
“And that’s exactly who I want him to remain, Collin. You guys can barely get along with each other, and the last thing I would want is for any of you to have to nurture a six-year-old,” she says pointedly.
“Look, the last thing on Calvin’s mind at the moment is healing. He’s angry with me, and that makes him reckless, so this is for the best. Besides, he knows that without me he’s as powerless as Chris.”
“And you without him?” She counters, and her smile is on the edge of sly and suppressed.
I smile widely at her. “You know, I think out of all of us we have the clearest understanding wouldn’t you say?”
She tilts her head as if examining me as a new personality altogether. “My understanding is that I’m a neutral party in this, Collin. I am an ally of each of you and my purpose is to have all of you live the best life available to you.” Her answer is smooth but practiced and mechanical and I’m insulted that she thinks that her reply is something that would work with me.