“Why would it be uncomfortable?” she says tightly, her eyes on Helen.
“It would only be uncomfortable if you continue to see Chris, Collin, and Cal as separate entities.”
“But that’s how they see each other,” Lauren responds quietly. Her cheeks have flushed pink.
“Our goal is for Chris to grow beyond that. It’s a crutch.” Helen says sternly. Lauren looks at me.
“I’ve explained to Chris that they are different sides to his personality. They are not individual people and in order to move forward in his treatment, he has to understand that.” Helen’s stare is now directed at me. Lauren and I glance at each other. We had this idea that we’d control these sessions and tag team Helen, but right now it’s feeling like we’re kids sitting in the principal’s office.
“It would make things easier for the both of you. Especially you Lauren,” she says her attention now back on Lauren, who’s sunken further into her seat. “Do you feel guilty being intimate with Christopher and Collin?” Helen asks and my mouth falls open. Lauren’s face is bright red now, and her eyes are shooting daggers at Helen. Now I’m looking at Lauren too. Does she feel guilty about being with me? I never thought that she would because I’m the real person. I can see her feeling guilty about Collin, which she should be if she has.
“You’ve slept with Collin?” The words come out of my mouth quickly. She glances at me, guilt written all over her face, and I try to hide my annoyance, my disappointment.
“You were gone two months, Chris…” she mutters and my jaw clenches.
“These are the issues that arise if you continue to distinguish yourself from them, Christopher.” Lauren turns toward me but I keep my gaze on Helen.
“Do you feel guilty about sleeping with me?” I ask her, and she turns toward me her eyes wide but full of confusion. She’s confused which gives me my answer. I laugh, unable to hide my bitterness and rest my head in my hands.
“Was it not your body, Chris?” Helen asks. I don’t answer her. I know what her point is, but it doesn’t help me feel any better. The fact that she feels guilty about sleeping with me is more of the issue than her sleeping with Collin.
“We’ve got some serious issues.”
“It’s not that I feel guilty,” Lauren says her voice full of guilt.
“After everything he’s done, you’re still loyal to him?” I ask her and she drops her head to her chest and I shake my head at the turn of events that just happened.
“I think you both are missing the point of me bringing this up,” Helen interrupts us.
“What was the point of this, Helen?” Lauren asks sharply.
“Unless you take a vow of celibacy, this is an issue that you both have to work out,” Helen tells her emphatically.
“Can I speak to you privately, Helen. Just for a moment,” Lauren asks quietly. “If you don’t mind, Chris.”
“Take all the time you need.” I need some fresh air. Before I leave the room, I look back at Lauren who is looking at me but with a look that she’s sorry. I don’t want her apology, and I don’t want her to feel guilty either. Cal or Collin don’t deserve anyone’s guilt.
The moment Chris closes the door I feel my chest untighten. I get up from my seat and stand in front of her desk.
“Why would you ask me that in front of him!” I shout at Helen.
“Lauren, it is important that they are all on the same page about intimacy with you, otherwise there will continue to be a conflict which will never allow for integration.”
“Aren’t there levels or steps that you take? You can’t just throw the elephant out there when you have two people trying to figure this crappy puzzle out!” I spit out at her.
“When you came today I assumed that he knew your feelings about things. You don’t invite someone to your therapy session when you are walking on eggshells.”
I laugh feeling bitterness crawl up my chest. “That’s what this was about—you are punishing me for coming with him!”
She lets out a deep breath and an aura of calm surrounds her, while I feel like I’m running a marathon.
“I’m not here to punish anyone, Lauren. I am here to help you and your husband live the best life possible.”
“Well, what you just did isn’t going to help things at all.”
“Yes it will if you two address the situation directly instead of avoiding the issues that will hinder his progress,” she counters. I let out a deep breath and sit back in my seat. “I understand where your anger comes from. However, do you really think this issue will cause the end of you after everything that you two have faced?"
“Of course I don’t, but it does not make things easier,” I mutter.
“Cal and Collin share awareness,” she says and my eyes widen.
“So Cal knows everything that happened with Collin…” She nods before I finish my questions. I push my hands through my hair. Well, that’s going to go great with Cal when he decides to show up.
“I’m in love with this man. One person—I don’t care who he calls himself or how he decides to behave on what day. I shouldn’t feel guilty for sleeping with my husband… but I do. How do I stop feeling that way? I know that Chris and Cal are going to be angry, but do I deserve their anger when I am technically with my husband?"
“First things first—you can’t live a separate life with each of them,” she says and I’m baffled by what she means by that. “Regardless of who he transitions into, you need to make life consistent. You need to remain the same person with each.”
“I try to do that now,” I tell her and she gives me a disbelieving look.
“Do you?” When she asks this, it automatically makes me second-guess myself.
“You are not the same with Chris as you are with Collin and Cal. I’ve seen you with all three, and you adjust your behavior accordingly. You coddle Chris, you seem to be more reserved around Collin, and you explode with Cal,” she says and I’m speechless.
“They all love you, Lauren. You have so much more power than you think.” She looks me directly in the eye, and I have to chuckle at this.
“I don’t feel powerful.” I put my face in my hands.
“If you tell them what you just told me and stand firm on it, what choice will they have but accept it? You think they’ll leave you if you refuse?” Helen grins. No, but it’s a lot easier said than done.
“I did have a question for you, Lauren.” I look at her in surprise. She has a question for me? How nice.
“When Collin was here… or Chris for the matter—do either of them ever talk in their sleep?”
“Uhm… no not that I remember, but they usually get up before me.” I wonder what would make her ask a question like that.
“They’ve never woken you up having a nightmare?”
“Not that I recall. Why is it important?”
“I was just curious,” she says simply, and I roll my eyes as if anything about any of this is simple.
“I’m going to bring Chris back in here, and I’m going to ask him to express how he feels. I want you to stand firm on how you feel, regardless of what you think his reaction is going to be.” Her voice is warm and calm, but it doesn’t calm the tornado of emotions that are swirling inside of me. I can do this. I can tell Chris that I love him—all of him—and that I don’t see why I can’t sleep with every version of him. I have a feeling that this isn’t going to go well.