“No, it seems like a waste of money. I can have my mom ship me some of my stuff here when she gets back.”
“When is the last time you’ve bought new clothes?”
“Maybe like…. two years ago… I think,” I tell her and she laughs.
“I think you can afford to splurge a little,” she teases me and she slides her hand into mine. It’s so subtle that it makes my heart jump. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to just simply hold her hand, but I instinctively keep it in mine. It feels good. Yesterday after our talk, we fell asleep at the gallery next to each other but there was space between us—or more like ghosts of multiple personalities past.
“You know we’ve never sat down and gone over your financials.”
“You mean like bank accounts?”
“Yes, your accounts, the stocks you own, it’s all yours.”
“I bet my name isn’t on anything.” I chuckle, and the smallest frown appears on her face. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to keep making things difficult.”
“No, it’s fine. I just never thought about that,” she says lightly. “I think it’s important for you to see what you have available to you. This is your life too, and it may put things into perspective as far as what you’d like to do. Maybe you could go back to school if you wanted, open your own business, start a non-for-profit.” She shrugs while smiling brightly at me.
“With everything that happened when Cal left, I never really took advantage of the position that he left me in. I wasted a lot of time, sulking… and yes it was probably needed but… I don’t want that for you.” She stops and I look into her eyes and see how genuine she is. I kiss her on the forehead and hold her tighter, and let out a sigh of relief when she hugs me back.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Scott. Dr. Lyce is on a phone call, but after that, she’ll be right with you,” Helen’s receptionist tells us. She’s warm and friendly as if she knows me, but she doesn’t know me. She knows them… or I guess she probably could have been told about me. It’s strange to have someone know about my condition that is a stranger.
“Can you let her know Lauren will be joining us for our session,” I add and her eyes widen in surprise.
“Oh, okay. I’ll be sure to let her know,” she promises me with a smile. I leave the desk and take my seat next to Lauren who is smiling widely at me.
“How much do you want to bet that Helen flips when she finds out I’m coming?” She grins.
“Well, she’s just going to have to deal with it,” I tell her with a shrug.
“Thanks for sharing this with me, Chris.”
“There’s no secrets between us. I don’t ever want there to be.” Lauren smiles even wider, and I think this might come close to topping Collin’s grand gesture of purchasing the gallery.
“Christopher, she’s ready for you,” the receptionist calls me. I stand and Lauren hesitates a minute.
“Come on,” I tell her and she grins again and follows behind me to Helen’s office. Helen sits behind her desk as we both walk in. If she’s surprised or annoyed, she doesn’t show it. Lauren closes the door behind us.
“I’m so glad to see you again Christopher. Good to see you too, Lauren,” she says as we both sit down.
“Always a pleasure, Helen.” Lauren’s tone is on the brink of sarcastic and that makes me smile.
Helen asks if we’d like something to drink and we both decline. “Well let’s get right to it then shall we?”
Lauren rubs her thighs and I get comfortable in my seat. This is the first time I’ve been both excited and nervous before a session. I used to just feel tons of dread when I used to see Helen back when I thought my disorder was strictly neurological.
“How are you feeling today?” I swallow hard and smile over at Lauren. I let out a small breath and prepare to be open-minded. I’ve gotten so used to having my guard up with Helen, but with Lauren here I’m reminded that I have backup and more importantly that I need to try to make this work for her and our daughter.
“Better than I thought I would. I was able to see my mom this morning.”
“That’s great. How was it seeing her again?”
“It’s always good to see my mom.”
“Mrs. Scott is great. She’s been so helpful with everything,” Lauren expands. Helen turns her attention to Lauren.
“When you say with everything, you mean Chris’s transitions?” Helen asks her pointedly. I look at Lauren who nods.
“Does it make you uncomfortable to say the word transition, Lauren?” Lauren pauses a minute and glances at me. I look back at Helen unsure if me looking at her makes her nervous.
“Not uncomfortable just…” she shifts in her seat. “I’m not used to saying it,” Lauren responds with a shrug.
“It’s perfectly okay to refer to what’s happening as it is. One thing I’d like both of you to work on is not being ashamed or embarrassed about what happens.” Helen looks at both of us.
“I’m not embarrassed of his condition,” Lauren says her voice slightly on edge.
“I didn’t say that you were,” Helen retorts quickly. I swallow hard, feeling my face redden.
“I wouldn’t blame you if you were, Lauren. I’m embarrassed by it,” I admit.
“Admitting it is a really good step,” Helen says.
“Chris, I’m not embarrassed of your condition,” Lauren says adamantly.
“Christopher, why do you feel embarrassed,” Helen asks me. I’m quiet for a moment.
“It’s not normal.”
“In our last session we discussed that dissociating is something that everyone does just to varying degrees,” Helen reminds me and I nod.
She looks toward Lauren. “Daydreaming is an example of such.”
“I know, but they don’t have this disorder,” I tell her.
“So it’s not the fact that you dissociate. It’s more so the lack of control with you not recalling your actions while you dissociate,” she says and I nod. “And we’re going to be actively working on that.”
“What do you mean?” Lauren asks.
“There are many techniques Christopher can employ that can help him to have more control over dissociating and strategies we’re going to be using so that he can be co-conscious,” Helen tells her with a small grin.
“That’s amazing,” Lauren says enthusiastically.
“Also, you can be a partner to him in making sure when he does dissociate, he is reminded of the things he doesn’t recall he’s a part of. We discussed that at our last session,” Helen says, and I see Lauren’s smile falter the smallest amount.
“We talked about it yesterday, the calendar, and journaling,” I tell her and she nods.
“Are you comfortable with that? Sharing with Chris the things that happens while he’s away?”
I see Lauren start to squeeze her wrists—her giveaway that she’s nervous or uncomfortable.
“Anything I can do to help I will,” she replies, but her voice is shaky.
“Does that make you uncomfortable?” Helen asks. She definitely looks uncomfortable.