“I’m sorry, what?” I ask her in disbelief.
“My goal is to have you all agree for me to treat you as one, but as of now, no one has given me permission to do that.”
“You’re kidding.” But from the serious look on her face, I can tell she’s not.
“It’s ridiculous. How are you supposed to treat us if you can’t tell me what they talk to you about?”
“It goes both ways,” she interrupts.
“But can’t they hear and see what I do. I’m the only one out of the loop in this. It’s not fair! Then what am I even doing here?” I stand up disgusted with myself for even thinking that this would help, that she’d help me. I know out of all of us, it’s probably me she likes the least.
“I can help you, Chris!” She stands up as I’m about to leave the room.
“How?”
“I can help you learn to better process so that the switches aren’t as frequent or necessary. I can teach you how to communicate with them. Right now you feel as if you’re the weakest. I can help you change that.”
I stop my hand on the doorknob.
“Your biggest weakness is that you were in the dark. You don’t have to be now. You can choose another option.”
Chapter 26
Lauren
I sit in front of the large canvas in front of me and stare at it. I keep it here in my office of the gallery, hidden away.
It’s him.
Or them. Three faces of the man I love.
Well, in the middle there’s a large blank space. I don’t know who he’ll end up being tomorrow. Now the picture is a little outdated since Chris shaved off most of his hair this morning. Not that I can say that I blame him. When Collin started growing it out, I knew it was something that both Chris and Cal would hate. I just didn’t think he’d cut it all the way off the second he came back. From what I think I understand is that Chris doesn’t remember anything while he’s away. Only getting glimpses of what happens randomly.
I can’t imagine what that must be like. To share a body, a mind with other people and be the last to know everything and the first to deal with the results of their actions. He probably feels so powerless in it all—it’s the reason I couldn’t lie to him. Not after everything that’s happened— all the lies told to me, the truths people thought I should be shielded from. Collin asked me to trust him, to believe that he has their best interest at heart, and I do believe that he has their best interest at heart. I think. I hope anyway. It’s what he says and he’s never lied to me—not that I know of.
Yesterday when Collin told me that Chris was coming back, it was such a surreal moment. How could he know that? How can he be so aware? Is it normal for one of them to know things like that, and why does Cal and Collin know but not Chris? It doesn’t seem fair— though what’s fair in their case? Collin didn’t have to tell me that Chris was coming back, but he did and I appreciate that. It was terrifying as well because it was so normal and casual of him. Collin doesn’t seem to process emotions how most people do, and it’s refreshing but scary at the same time. Truthfully it has only caused me to have more questions. Then it becomes do I want to know all the answers if he had them to give? Who do I want them from? I take a sip of water and pick up my pencil and perfect the dimple in Chris’s cheek. I darken the color in Cal’s eyes, and create the arched brow that Collin typically has. I stare again at the space in the middle. Who would that man be? What would be lost in this process? Will there be one standing or segments of the three? My phone rings and I see that it’s him.
Chris.
“Hey,” he says and I can’t help but smile at the voice I haven’t heard in so long. Chris's voice is distinctive, even when he’s annoyed or frustrated it still holds a warmness, a youthfulness that is different from Cal and Collin’s.
“I’m outside of your gallery.” I push myself off the floor and head to the window and see him standing there.
“I’ll be right down to let you in.” I grab the cover and toss it over the canvas, and head downstairs and let him in. When I open the door, he’s standing there with an easy smile, and his bright green eyes make me do the same. I stand aside for him to come in. When I lock the door, I can see him taking everything in.
“Wow.”
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” I say quietly as I stand beside him.
“He picked this out?”
“Yeah,” I say sounding awkward to myself. I hate this part. I hate that we’re back to square one it seems, a tension between us that we fought so hard to get past. I missed Chris, and it’s so crazy how I didn’t even know Collin but his presence being gone has been felt. I even miss Cal while Chris is standing here, I can’t help but think of Collin the man who made my dream come to fruition and it’s the hardest thing to explain.
“So, is Chicago where you plan on staying?” He turns to me and my heart clenches.
“Well… I just… I thought you’d be happy here too,” I am confused. I thought that he’d prefer to be here instead of Michigan after everything that has happened.
“I’m just worried about my mom being there…” he trails off and I nod in understanding.
“Have you talked to her yet?”
I wonder what it was like for Mrs. Scott to be told by Collin that Chris was coming back. Was it as surreal to her as it was to me?
“No, I’ve been with Helen all day.”
I look at him unable to hide the surprise on my face. His appointment with Helen was at one, and it’s a little before eight now. “You want to see upstairs?” I ask him and he smiles, but it’s a ghost of the ones he used to have. I lead him to the back of the gallery and take the stairs to my office.
“Wow, this is really big.” He takes a seat on the dark grey sofa I purchased last week.
“Well, I set it up like this for when I have Caylen here or if I’m working late.” I try to make myself loosen up. I head to the mini fridge and grab a bottle of water. I have everything here I could need. There are two sofas, my desk, computer, television, Caylen’s toys, and my art supplies. His eyes dart around the room before landing on me.
“I can’t believe you did all of this while I was gone.” I look away from him not knowing what to say. How would I feel if I was gone and he moved on in life with someone else… actually that did happen. I push away the thoughts of Jenna.
“I’m glad.”
My eyes widen in surprise. I didn’t expect that response.
“Your life shouldn’t be at a standstill because of… us,” he says the last part begrudgingly.
“I’m tired of losing time like this, two months with you and Caylen and my family just gone…” his beautiful face is full of confusion. I walk toward him and take his hands.
“We’re going to get through this. Everything’s going to work out in the end,” I give him my most convincing smile. He looks at me with a sheepish grin on his face. Now that’s the one I remember, that’s what I miss.
“Helen said that she could help me try to remember—to not have so many lapses,” he says hesitantly. I sit beside him.