“That’d be great, Chris.”
“I just… I hate to put all of my faith in her—in any Crestfield,” he says his face darkening. I nod in complete understanding.
“But after seeing her today, I felt like there was hope. Not hope in there being a magical fix one day, but hope in the present that I can have some sort of control.” He looks me directly in the eyes, a pained expression on his face. I wrap my arm around his and rest my head on his shoulder.
“Will you come with me to my next session?” I sit up and look at him, his eyes warm.
“Of course I would,” I am unable to hide my smile. He smiles so wide I see both his dimples.
“I just know that she can’t hide things from both of us,” he laughs and I smile. Completely flattered that he’d let me in on something so difficult and personal. Collin never invited me to come to his sessions.
“Do you have office supplies up here?” he asks me and I nod pointing to the storage locker at the other side of the office. He stands up and walks quickly to it. He opens it and scans it quickly and begins pulling out items. He carries them over to where I’m sitting and lays them all out in front of me. There’s a calendar, a yellow notepad, pens, and sticky notes. He sits down beside them and looks at me.
“Before I knew about my condition, I used to keep calendars of the days I remember and the days I didn’t.” He flips to the month that we’re in and marks it.
“I need your help,” he says quietly, his voice and expression vulnerable. I swallow hard and, I take the pen and flip three months back from today.
“I think we can start from here,” I tell him with a small smile. We go over the days starting from when we found out about Lisa and his dad. I believe that was the day Collin took over. We walk our way through the calendar to when Cal came back and the day after when he became conscious again. Then we walk through the days until this morning. I promise him that any day he’s not here I’ll journal so he won’t miss a thing when it comes to me or Caylen again. I promise until he’s better I’ll make sure he doesn’t miss anything. As I look at all the days he missed—the things he won’t get to experience—the gravity of the situation—his pain, his plight— hits me like a truck and I bite my lip and demand myself to not let any tears escape.
“If anything happens to me, you promise to never forget me?” His question causes my heart to break. He gives me a playful smile, but his eyes show his fear and uncertainty.
“Why would you say that, Chris?” I gently cup his face in my hands, and I see the love in his eyes for me. He still smiles for me, and it’s playful, but his eyes give him away. “Did Helen say something to you?” I ask him and he leans back on the couch.
“No, she didn’t but… With this Collin guy appearing and him knowing so much… it’s not like I’m in a fair fight. I’m being tag-teamed and my hands are tied behind my back,” he says lightly, but I can feel the weight of his words.
“I could never forget you. I’d never choose to, and that isn’t something for you to worry about.” His eyes smile at me, and I wrap my arm around him and take in his scent, and then I feel his arms wrap around me. I ignore how hard my heart is beating and the stinging sensation in my chest because I really have no clue if there is something to worry about. What I do know is that as far apart as I once thought Cal and Chris were, with Collin added into the mix, it no longer seems as if they’re broken but shattered into pieces. What scares me is if they’ll ever be able to be put together again.
“Christopher!” My mom squeals before she’s even fully in the house. She jumps in my arms squeezing me like she did when I was a little boy. I don’t know who’s holding who tighter—me or her.
“I’m so glad to see you, my boy,” she says after I put her down. Just her being here makes me feel better—like things aren’t impossible and that I can get through anything. If she could get through cancer, I can get through this. I remind myself that I have people on my side. Even if Cal and Collin have the memories and if Helen is telling the truth that I can start to be more conscious when they try to take over—if I can stop the times I switch out—maybe I won’t need integration. I don’t believe for a second it’s what either of them wants regardless of how impartial Collin pretends to be.
“I’m so glad to see you, mom.” I’m unable to contain the smile on my face. I shut the door behind her, and she beams at me like I’m her most prized accomplishment. She looks good— her eyes vibrant, and the warmth I’ve always known her to have is still there. I wasn’t sure if what my dad did with Lisa would put the light out.
“Wow, look at his place.”
“Not exactly my style,” I chuckle and she smiles knowingly.
“You cut your hair,” she laughs, and I rub it self-consciously.
“He was wearing a ponytail, Mom,” I mutter, and she takes off her coat.
“I like it, it looks good on you.” She puts her coat on the back of the chair.
“Do you want me to take you to your room?”
“Where is Caylen and Lauren?” she waves off my question.
“Lauren went to pick up Caylen from her friend Angela’s house. She kept her yesterday for us after Collin told Lauren that I was coming.” Her smile flattens when I say his name. “What did he say to you when he called?”
She lets out a small breath. “Collin, he’s very polite I’ll say that. Impeccable manners,” she laughs, and I can’t help but frown. “He asked me to come and assist you after your return, and I’m so glad he did. I’ve missed you so much, Chris.” She takes my hand in hers.
“I guess calling you was the one good thing he did,” I admit. Then I laugh. “Oh wait, he bought Lauren a gallery, he is amazing at his job and no one has anything bad to say about him,” I laugh bitterly. She frowns at me.
“Christopher, I won’t have anything bad to say about anyone who cooperates in keeping your life in order,” she says in a way that makes me feel like I’m five again. “How are you doing? With everything?”
“I’m dealing with it. To find out that I’m really a Crestfield and about my birth parents still doesn’t seem quite real yet,” I tell her and she grips my hand tightly. “But I’m more worried about you,” I tell her honestly. She smiles slightly.
“You cannot worry about me, son. I am a fighter, and I will always be fine you know that,” she reassures me.
I know she’s a fighter. I saw her kick cancer, but I can still see the sadness hiding behind her eyes. She’s my mom, and I want her to be okay.
“It still doesn’t mean you can’t be hurt.” She smiles tightly at me, stands and gently grips both of my shoulders.
“We all will experience hurt in this life, son. The trick is to not let it change who we are—immobilize us. You can’t let the hurt define who you are.” She squeezes my shoulder and then heads to the kitchen, her eyes scanning the contents.
“I can work with this.” She flashes me a wide smile and gathers several items from the fridge.