“Shay won’t let you go…” Mum said, her voice incredibly heavy.
I looked at her sharply. “Shay is busy with the club and his whores. And I know he wants what’s best for me, despite how domineering he can be about it.”
“He loves you…”
Alarm bells were ringing sharply in my head at her words. “He just… he is super protective and-”
Mum shook her head earnestly. “No, Mina. Shay is in love with you… he won’t let you go… you need to find a way to escape because he won’t let you just walk out of this life. He’ll find a way to keep you here with him.”
I let out a soft laugh, but it was shaky. I felt sick. Her words scared me. “Please, Mum, it’s alright. You’re seeing things that aren’t there.” Who was I trying to convince? Mum or myself? No. Mum was just hungover right now and she’s always disliked Shay. That’s all. That’s all…
“Mina!” She sat up suddenly and gripped my shoulders hard. “Listen to me! He’s-”
“Everything alright here?”
Both of us snapped our heads over to the doorway to see James step into the room. His dark eyes took in the sight of Mum’s grasp on my arms and our troubled expressions… Mum’s being one of desperation, while I probably looked scared shitless.
“We’re just talking… about her recital…” Mum lowered her face and spoke softly.
“Is that so?” James moved his dark gaze to me. “Is that true, Baby Girl?”
I simply nodded, worried that if I did try to speak, my voice would break.
“Go on, get out of here. I need to talk to your mother alone.”
I looked back at Mum, who simply nodded and released me. Hesitantly, I got to my feet and headed to the door. James stepped aside, giving my shoulder a little squeeze before closing the door behind himself and locking it. Minutes later, their loud, aggressive lovemaking filled the house and I quickly ran outside to hang out at the stream so I wouldn’t have to listen to it.
Backstage, I was finishing up prepping for my performance. I was one of the only solo dancers tonight, and I knew the other two girls were about two years younger than me. I wore a white bodysuit and a gauzy skirt that flowed around my knees. My slippers were white, and I decided against wearing stockings and went barelegged. I lined my eyes with a sweeping black liner and put on a layer of mascara, blush, and pale pink lipstick. Last minute, I also chose to take my hair out of its bun and let it hang loosely around my shoulders. My dance is meant to be sensual, graceful, and sad, and will be to the song Breathe Me by Sia. Overall, my dress, especially compared to the other dancers, was quite simple. Even the lighting would be soft, while others had flashing backgrounds and colourful motifs.
The first couple of dancers were the smallest girls and they barely know what they’re doing, which makes their performances incredibly endearing and hilarious. I stood to the side of the stage, hidden behind the curtain and chuckled as one of the girl’s started spinning in a circle while the others stumbled as they tried to follow their teacher’s steps. The audience laughed a bit, too. I took that opportunity to peer at the crowd to see if I could spot my family, my fingers crossed as I searched for one face in particular...
Sure enough, front row, I saw Shay, James, Uncle Marty, Uncle Shawn (much to my surprise), and their old ladies… but my mother is nowhere in sight. Where was she? There was no empty seat to signal that she was in the washroom at that moment. No. There was no sign of Mum anywhere. I felt a lump in my throat as I realized my mother had let me down… again.
I retreated backstage and found a small, quiet corner to sit in. I tried to steady my breathing. I’d been practicing for weeks for this. I couldn’t let my mother’s weakness hurt me, not this time. Besides, at least James and Shay showed up, when they could be at the club doing God knows what. I stretched, using it as a distraction, warming up. The other solo dancers went in between the larger groups, but because I was the most experienced dancer, I would be last.
“Mina!” My teacher, Miss Riley, motioned me forward. “You’re up!”
I exhaled long and slow. I was always nervous before performing in front of a crowd, but I knew once I started, I would get lost in my routine. The lights to the stage were down, hiding me from view, and I did my best to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach… the one that you feel right before you take the plunge on a roller coaster. I oriented myself and struck my beginning pose, my body hunched over as I hugged my knees, my head down so that my hair fell around me.
The beginning of the song started with that lovely piano and the lights came up. As Sia’s beautiful voice filled the space, I allowed myself to not only glide through the movements, but feel the heavy emotion I associated with the song. I tried to move as though I was gliding on ice, my arms extending and moving around myself as though they were made of water. I tilted my head around, letting my hair fall where it may as I performed the spins, poses, and small jetes. I made sure my movements were elegant and graceful, while at the same time bearing the heaviness of depression, loss, and heartbreak on my shoulders. I managed to stand on my toes, even though I wasn’t in point-toe shoes, and threw my arms back, letting my hair flip around me and fall where it may. I drifted to the side of the stage, the song reaching its crescendo and I performed one of the hardest moves, a grand pirouette before taking the giant leap, tossing my head back with my arms spread behind me and my legs completely split in front and behind, a perfect grand jetes. When I landed and slowed with a series of pique turns before striking a penche pose, I spun back with a final reverence pose just as the song ended. The lights went down and the audience got to their feet and cheered, the loudest being from the front row of my family and friends.
I did it. I fucking did it! After the months and months of hard work… I pulled it off!
It feels like my body was made of rubber as I stepped off, using the darkness of the stage to hide myself. I feel like my face is going to split in half, my smile is so wide. My hands are shaking and my heart is beating so fast against my chest, but I don’t care. All the practice I put in, the sore toes and swollen feet, my muscles screaming in protest from the hours of dance I put in to be perfect… it had all been worth it. I actually feel tears sting my eyes as I bend over, hands on my knees, and laugh while crying happy tears at the same time.
My private moment is almost immediately broken when I’m suddenly assaulted by the other dancers and teachers, all congratulating me on my performance. I could feel the huge, shit-eating grin on my face, but I’m embarrassed by the praise. I’ve never been very comfortable receiving compliments and having a dozen thrown my way is only adding to my emotions right now. My cheeks turned red. I thank them politely before peeking out of the curtain to see Shay stomping his feet, as he continued to cheer and James let out a shrill whistle between his lips, and my smile broadened. Despite their bullshit, I was glad they were here to see this.
But it was the shadowed figure in the dark, near the exit, that caught my eye. He was leaning up on the wall right by the door, mostly concealed in the shadows, looking like he’d been there watching the whole time. While everyone else was cheering loudly, he wasn’t moving at all. I stared at him through a crack in the curtain and watched as he finally turned and stepped out the door. It was for the briefest moment that I caught sight of his profile beneath the light of the red “Exit” sign, and realized it was Keenan.