Abigail shrugged. “Anything that made me feel like I wasn’t losing my mind and my sanity. I’m a dancer so I would dance, try to see how many old routines I could remember. I’d work out, try to keep my strength up in case I ever got a chance to try to escape. Do math problems, try to remember song lyrics, talk to myself, imagine my parents were there and tell them all the things I was too much of a coward to say to them while they were still alive.”
“Your parents are dead?”
“My dad had two massive heart attacks the night of my high school graduation, the second one killed him. My mom died a year later in a single-car accident; supposedly she fell asleep at the wheel.”
“Supposedly?”
“Well, that’s the official cause of death, but …”
“You suspected something different.”
“I thought she did it on purpose only if she was alive she would deny that vehemently, only weak people commit suicide. My parents weren’t very understanding, they weren’t really big on empathy or sympathy, and they thought anyone who wasn’t as strong as them was weak. They were both retired military, my dad was a SEAL, so it was hard not to be as strong as they expected me to be. My brother is a SEAL too, and so is my …” What were she and Ryder calling what they had going? She assumed they were dating although they hadn’t officially put a title on it. “So is my boyfriend.”
“You feel inadequate?”
“Only my whole life.” Abigail sank back against the sofa, she couldn’t remember ever feeling like she had lived up to their expectations. Dragging her bottom lip between her teeth, she began to chew on it. She didn’t want to open up, but what was the point of being here if she wasn’t going to be honest? It wasn’t like she had anything to lose. “I’m … this is … hard. I … it’s … I’m struggling,” she finally admitted.
“That’s hard for you to say.”
“My parents made admitting that you weren’t in control of something sound like a weakness, and I guess I learned to think it was, but it’s true, I don’t have anything under control right now, I’m holding on by a thread, a thread that could snap at any second. What scares me the most is Ryder.”
“Has he done anything to hurt you?”
“Not this time. At least not yet. Ryder and I go way back. All the way to childhood. He and my brother used to tease me mercilessly, then I fell in love with him, we had one amazing night of sex, then he disappeared. He came back, worked really hard at earning my trust back then left me again. I just learned the truth of why he left and I can blame my dad for that. Now I have him back, but …”
“You’re waiting for him to leave again.”
“He’s been perfect, and I know it’s not fair, but I keep worrying that he’s with me because he feels guilty, especially now we know why I was taken.” Not sure if she was supposed to talk about that, she stuck with vague, and the doctor didn’t press her for details.
“You believe he doesn’t really love you?”
“No, I know he does, and that makes me feel so bad for doubting him. I don’t want him to know that I’m struggling, I don’t want him to blame himself, and I’m afraid that if I fall apart that when he gets called away he’ll be worried and distracted and he’ll be hurt because of it.”
“You really love him.”
“More than anything. Enough to get past him leaving, and to let him explain. He’s been through so much, and he’s not only survived but he’s thrived. He’s smart, and strong, and brave, and he dedicated his whole life to protecting others. I want him to think I’m strong too. I don’t want him to know how much I’m struggling, I don’t want him to know I might not be able to make it through this, I don’t want him to see me as a victim who needs saving I just want him to be with me because he loves me.”
“You’re torn between thinking he’s with you because he loves you and because of guilt.”
“He hasn’t touched me since I had a meltdown the other day,” she admitted. “We slept together for the first time the day before that, but these last couple of days he’s barely touched me. It’s like he’s afraid to. It … uh … it makes me feel insecure. Like I’m not good enough for him anymore and he knows it. He just doesn’t want to say it out loud.”
“Or,” Dr. Hancock said slowly and Abigail perked up, ready to hear the doctor’s take. “He loves you and is understandably concerned about you because of what you endured, and he wants to let you be in charge for a change.”
“What do you mean?”
“While you were held captive you didn’t have any control over your own life, now you’re home, but you’re battling the inevitable fall out from such a trauma, he doesn’t want to add to that, doesn’t want to make you do anything you’re not ready for, so he’s leaving the ball in your court. Have you told him you need physical intimacy right now?”
“No.”
“It’s my experience most people aren’t mind readers,” the doctor said with a grin.
Abigail huffed a laugh. “Yeah you’re right. So I should tell him?”
“Absolutely. What you need as you try to work through your feelings and come to terms with everything are support and love, it sounds like you have a man who wants to give that to you but you need to be honest with him. Tell him that you’re struggling, tell him what you need and when you need it. Do you know what real strength looks like?”
She shook her head, Abigail had always known that her parents’ perception of strength wasn’t correct, but she’d never stopped to think about what was the correct definition of strength.
“It’s admitting that you’re not superhuman. It’s facing the things that scare you and allowing others to support you when you need it. It’s knowing that your strength comes from those around you who love you just as much as it comes from inside you, and it’s realizing that you’re stronger together than you are on your own. You survived hell on your own, now to survive this new challenge you need to reach out to your support system.”
The idea of not being able to do this on her own terrified her almost as much as seeing Alex again did, but Dr. Hancock was right. She couldn’t do this on her own, and she did have a support system she could reach out to. If she wanted to get her life back then now was the time to prove to herself that she was strong. She would be honest with Ryder, she would face each and every one of her fears head-on and when she felt like she couldn’t she would come and let Dr. Hancock remind her.
She could do this.
She and Ryder would do it together.
Because the doctor was right, she was stronger when she was with Ryder than she was on her own.
3:38 P.M.
Spider tried to pay attention to what his team was saying, but he couldn’t seem to stop staring at the door. Abigail had texted around three to say that Cookie and Fiona were bringing her home, but it had been closer to forty minutes now and they still weren’t here even though it shouldn’t have taken more than thirty minutes to get here.