My heart is doing cartwheels and my palms are sweaty as I close my eyes and tip my chin up in expectation.
His lips brush the corner of my mouth before gliding to my cheek, and disappointment is heavy in my limbs as I silently scream in frustration. Damping down my disappointment, because I don’t want to indulge it and end up crying in front of him again, I choose to take my thrills where I can get them, savoring the feel of him pressed up against me. He’s all solid muscle and powerful restraint, and I want to ingest the safety and protection of having him this close. To cocoon myself in him and indulge my inner teenage self.
“I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t love you either,” he whispers. “To love you is to place you at even greater risk, and I won’t do that.”
My eyes pop open as he pulls his head back. We stare at one another, and there is so much unspoken between us. “What exactly are you saying, Ben?”
“I’m saying there is no one else, Firefly.” He squeezes my hand, and I cling to his touch, our fingers still intertwined. “I don’t want Chantel. I don’t want Saskia.” His eyes drill into mine, and I have stopped breathing. “The only woman I want is you, but—”
“Boss,” Alesso shouts, the sound of approaching footfalls heralding his arrival. He’s panting like he’s just run a marathon. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you both.” He stops, taking in our close stance, clearing his throat. He looks a little sheepish. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but you’re needed. It’s an emergency.”
Ben removes his fingers from mine, and I want to cry. I glare at Alesso—he has the worst timing known to mankind.
“Take Sierra home, and I want you on guard inside the house tonight.”
I open my mouth to ask what’s going on, but Ben levels me with a serious expression. “Don’t fight me on this. I won’t negotiate when it comes to your safety and Rowan’s safety.”
I nod, not willing to compromise on our safety either. “Okay.”
In a surprising move, he pulls me into his arms, pressing my head to his chest. One large hand holds my head in place while his other arm wraps around my back. He rests his chin on my hair, and I circle my arms around his toned waist, closing my eyes and siphoning his warmth. A profound sense of contentment settles deep in my bones as he holds me without speaking. His action speaks volumes, and that hopeful beast springs to life again, whispering promises of what may come. After a couple of minutes, he lets me go, planting a chaste kiss to my brow. “Stay with Alessandro. He will keep you safe.”
Without another word, he walks off, leaving me almost as confused as when he found me.
29
SIERRA
Ben shows up early the following morning to see Rowan. I had nurtured silly notions he might appear in my bedroom at some point during the night, but, after a fretful night with little sleep, I woke to a cold bed and a fragile heart. I don’t know if he meant any of the things he said to me last night or if he just said them to console me in the heat of the moment.
“Ben!” Rowan screams in excitement when he sees him, racing across the living room, charging straight into his arms. My heart soars as I watch them embracing. I’ve denied myself this these past few weeks, and I’m as emotional as I was the first time Ben showed up here. I can’t deny how much Rowan has grown to love him. He looks forward to these weekend visits so much it’s almost impossible to get him to sleep the night before Ben is due to visit. Today’s visit is unexpected. Ben wasn’t sure if he could find time to see him, but I’m glad he has made the effort.
“Hey, buddy.” Ben closes his eyes, lifting our son easily in his arms as he stands. “I missed you.” He nuzzles his nose into his hair, holding Rowan close.
“I missed you too,” Rowan says, wriggling in his arms. Ben plants his feet on the ground, smiling. “Guess what?” Rowan tugs on his hand, leading him out toward the bedrooms. “I saw a shooting star!” he squeals.
Rowan is addicted to the telescope Ben bought him, and he’s obsessed with stars and planets. He now wants to be an astronaut when he grows up; however, his aspirations tend to alternate quite regularly, so I don’t know how long it will last. I took him to the Adler Planetarium a couple of weeks ago, and he loved it.
“That’s amazing. I wish I had been here to see it with you.”
A pang pierces my chest cavity. I can only imagine how hard it must be for him being away from Rowan for most of the week. It’s not only the big things he’s missing out on but the little mundane things of everyday life.
“If you have time, you could participate in Skywatch Weekly?” I suggest. “It’s something the Adler Planetarium does,” I explain, answering his unspoken question. “There is a weekly episode on YouTube every Thursday, and they make it interesting for the kids with fun facts and weekly challenges and suggesting things they can look out for, for themselves, in the intervening week. Rowan loves it, and I’m learning stuff I never knew.”
“Oh yes! Please come over for the show, Ben!” Rowan jumps up and down, bubbling with excitement. “It’s awesome. Mommy makes popcorn, and we write down the weekly challenge every week after the show is over.”
Shit. I walk to my son, crouching down. “Sweetheart. Ben lives in New York, so he wouldn’t be able to come to our house, but he could watch it at his house, and then we could video call him after to talk about it?”
“Aw.” His little face drops, and my heart hurts.
“Hey.” Ben kneels on the other side of Rowan. “The show sounds awesome, and I would love to watch it. And maybe sometimes I might be able to watch it here with you, if that’s okay with your mommy.”
Rowan turns to me, his cute face expectant.
“That would be fine with me.”
Ben and I exchange a look, and my heart pounds in my chest with the intense way he’s staring at me. Ben always has this way of looking at me that feels like he really sees me. Like he can dive through my outer layer and see what lies beneath.
And why does he have to be so gorgeous and so irresistible? He hasn’t shaved, and the five o’clock shadow on his face only adds to his sexiness, but it’s his eyes that always get me. They are a stunning blue, with a silvery sheen that makes them pop, and I could stare into his eyes all day long.
I want nothing more than to lean over and kiss him, but he’s not mine to kiss, and he probably won’t ever be. He may have feelings for me, but it’s clear from the things he said that he won’t allow it to go any further. Or maybe he did just say those things to calm me down and I’m imagining feelings that don’t exist. I’ve been seesawing back and forth all night trying to figure it out, but there is no point torturing myself because it’s not going to happen. My head agrees it’s the most logical approach.
After all, this is about Rowan.
Not me and his father.
But try telling that to my lovesick heart.
“Yay!” Rowan flings his arms around me, almost knocking me off balance, as Ben straightens up. “Thanks, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you too, Firecracker.” I dot kisses all over his adorable face. “So, so much.”