I glanced at the balled-up Kleenex in her hand, confusion weaving through the storm of destructive emotions. “The hell—” Shit.
I sucked in shallow breaths in a vain attempt to calm my twisting stomach when the thin tissue unfurled enough for the corner of a condom wrapper to be seen.
Making it real. As if there had been some sliver of possibility that last night hadn’t happened.
“Beau, we didn’t use it.”
I looked at her. Hope trying desperately to build in my chest despite everything.
“No. No,” Madison said quickly, her face creasing with sorrow and regret. “Beau, we didn’t use it.”
I barely managed to lock my knees when they gave at her implication and dragged a hand over my face.
I wouldn’t. I would—
Oh God, Savannah, I’m sorry.
My jaw clenched tight as my denial clashed with the absolute guilt and regret swirling inside me. Grabbing the partially crumpled tissue from Madison, I kept my stare on my tightly clenched hand as I warned, “Madison . . . get away from me. Now.”
That time, she listened.
Hurrying for the door as I stood there, wondering how I was supposed to ask Savannah to forgive me when I knew I would never forgive myself. Wondering how this could’ve happened at all.
“Mads?”
At Hunter’s muffled voice, my blood went ice-cold. My head snapped up to see Madison standing in front of the closed door, hand hovering over the doorknob and a look of utter horror on her face.
Frozen.
Fuck. Fuck.
I rushed for her. Grabbing her and shoving her past a large wardrobe, out of sight, as the sound of the door clicking filled my head. Just as the door began opening, I grabbed it and threw it open the rest of the way.
Hunter stood there, hand still extended and looking surprised at seeing me there and having had the door ripped away from him. “Hey . . .”
“What?” I snapped.
“I thought Madison came upstairs. Is she not in here?”
I lifted the arm that wasn’t gripping the door. “Does it look like she’s in here?”
He rubbed at his forehead before letting his hand fall to the outer wall. Tapping a soft rhythm on it as his eyes narrowed on me. After a second, he shook his head and huffed. “Try being something other than an asshole every now and then. Yeah?”
I didn’t respond as he turned and left.
I couldn’t.
It was hard enough looking him in the eye. And maybe if he was at least mad at me, it’d help get me through the next second. Minute. Hour of knowing what I’d done.
God knew I deserved his hatred, but I had a feeling even that wouldn’t be enough.
I shut the door and moved quietly to where Madison was pressed to the wall and wardrobe, trying to mute her cries.
“Get out.”
She nodded and pushed from the wall, but had only made it a step when I grabbed her arm and pulled her back to me. Her lips parted with a silent cry as she slammed into my side.
“If Savannah ever finds out . . .” I tried to swallow around the jagged rock in my throat. Tried to speak around it. But I could barely breathe.
Someone was gripping my heart in their hands and slowly crushing it, and I wasn’t sure what would remain of it after this—if anything.
Madison looked up at me, her head bobbing before shaking quickly. “I can’t—I couldn’t—never. It would wreck us—him.”
If there was anything I was sure of from that morning, it was that. Her ridiculous ramble of an agreement. I felt her anguish deep in my bones. Felt her guilt in my gut. Madison was suffering as badly as I was, but that didn’t change anything. It didn’t lessen what we’d done. It didn’t erase it.
If anything, it made this more dangerous.
Because there was only so long we could live with that kind of guilt before it destroyed us. Before we confessed everything.
I gave her a subtle nod and left the room without another look back at her. Heading for the bathroom to discard the condom and start the shower.
I turned the water almost as hot as it could go and waited for the steam to start pouring into the bathroom before stepping under the punishing spray. My body tensing and locking up tight as I stood there. As the overwhelming shame and hatred crashed down around me until I snapped.
Striking out and biting back a curse as pain exploded along my knuckles and through my wrist. Blood pouring free and dripping onto the tiled floor of the shower. The throbbing in my hand matching the pounding in my head, one emphasizing the other.
And neither were enough.
No pain would ever be enough for what I had done to the one good and pure thing in my world.
I stared at the floor of my bedroom, gripping at my hair as that night clawed at my mind. Jaw clenched tight and shoulders feeling like they each weighed a ton.
It’d been two months . . . more than that . . . and each day had been filled with the worst kind of guilt and paranoia. Leaving me constantly on the edge of losing control in a way I’d never been.
I had a problem—I knew that. I’d known that most of my life. But not like this.
Hunter and Cayson had had to tear me off of Sawyer because he’d laughed near me. I didn’t even know what he’d been laughing at, I’d just snapped.
I’d been arrested. Again.
A guy looked at Savannah, and I’d lost it. He’d been our waiter, and he’d just been taking her order. I’d known that as I unleashed my unfounded rage on him, but I hadn’t been able to stop. All reason seemed to fade away as that red haze took over, and it was only getting worse.
Lying to Savannah. Looking at her and knowing what I’d done. Seeing the confusion and disappointment as my anger became more irrepressible. Pretending like everything was fucking okay when I saw my brother or when Madison was around even though it felt like I was dying the slowest, most painful death.
I was breaking. Literally crumbling.
And I was taking Savannah with me.
The door to my room opened at the same time Savannah called out, “Beau?”
My head snapped up and I turned in time to see her peek into my room, her expectant expression falling when she found me.
“Hey.”
Her mouth lifted in a smile that was filled with so much uncertainty, and it tore at my already shredded heart. “Hi.” Her stare darted around, looking everywhere but at me as she shut the door behind her and pressed up against it.
Not looking at me. Not coming to me.
Everything about it was wrong. Everything about it was the opposite of us. And that was on me.
The pain and worry dancing across her face. The unfamiliar way she spoke to me. All of it was there because of me.
“You weren’t down there,” she said as her eyes finally met mine. “Thought I’d come looking for you. See if—” She lifted one of her shoulders and shook her head, never finishing what she’d been about to say.
I wanted to beg her to just say it. To say whatever was on her mind. To yell at me. To do anything. But I just nodded, knowing her hesitation was in response to the way I’d been the past couple of months.
“Needed to get away for a minute,” I said, giving her the only portion of the truth I could.
There was a party currently happening in my parents’ house. Dozens of people filling the inside and spilling out, celebrating the next graduating class. Hunter and Madison’s class. Where I was supposed to pretend some more.