I pressed the backs of my hands to my eyes, my entire body jerking with the force of my cries.
“I can’t look at him without seeing her. I can’t look at him without wondering what else he might’ve lied about. And I want him to hold me and make it go away, and I never want to see him again. And, yes, I gave him my rings because I have so many goddamn emotions right now,”—I gestured to my stomach—“and I would already feel like a hormonal mess without what he did on top of it all. But with that, I just feel—I feel like I’m going crazy, and I’m breaking, and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing other than trying to run this business and take care of my kids.”
My face crumpled and my knees buckled.
I grabbed the counter and slowly lowered myself to the floor.
“Except, I’m not,” I said weakly. “My kids see it. My kids are suffering because of it. I’m ruining everything while trying not to let my world implode.”
“Let it.” Rae’s voice was soft and filled with understanding as she sat beside me. When I met her stare, she said, “Let your world implode so it can be put back together.”
“I can’t,” I admitted. “I’m afraid of what happens when I do.”
“The two of you fix it,” she said confidently. “It isn’t helping anyone to keep all your emotions inside. All it will do is cause you to push him further and further away.”
“We would know,” Emberly said dully, and Rae nodded.
“Everyone keeps saying that,” I muttered. “I just . . . I’ve never had to do this. Beau and I have always been effortless because there was never anything between us. If I needed to talk to him, I did. This is different because there’s something between us, and it’s big and painful and full of so much deceit. And it’s unsettling to know it’s been between us, and I had no idea. I feel so stupid.”
“Don’t,” Emberly hurried to say as she joined us on the floor at the same time Rae said, “You shouldn’t.”
“How could I have been so blind to what was happening?”
“Hunter didn’t know,” Emberly reminded me.
“Hunter’s a guy, and Madison left a couple months after it happened. He wasn’t living with her, creating a life with her.” I waved off to the side. “And yet, as soon as she came back, everything came out. What if she hadn’t come back?”
They shared a quick look before Rae sighed and said, “That’s something you’re going to have to ask Beau.”
“And you need to ask him,” Emberly added. “You have to take the time to talk to him. Somewhere safe where you can scream if you want. Or throw things.”
Rae laughed.
“Somewhere not near the kids,” Emberly continued, voice soft and full of meaning. “If you want, we can help with that. We can—”
“No,” I said quickly, head shaking. “No, my parents are taking them.” A dejected laugh tumbled past my lips at how utterly pathetic and hopeless my life felt that everyone was offering to take my kids so I could deal with something. “They’re taking the kids to Utah for a week.”
Rae gave me an encouraging smile. “That’ll be good. I think that’s exactly what you need for yourself, and also what you and Beau need.”
A hum sounded in my throat, all kinds of unconvinced.
“Everything’s going to work out,” Rae said when Emberly stood and headed back to the table. “I haven’t been around you or that family as long as Emberly, but I know how fiercely those guys fight for what they want. And I’ve seen and heard exactly how much that man loves you.” She grabbed one of my hands in hers and gave a quick squeeze. “You guys can get through this. Just let your world implode. Okay?”
My head moved in a quick nod. “Okay.”
Emberly placed our drinks on the floor before straightening, her expression all lit up like she was waiting to spill gossip. “Okay, but can we please talk about how all four Dixon men were in one house this morning?”
Somehow, even though they’d told me Beau had shown up for Saturday breakfast, that hadn’t registered. “Oh my God,” I whispered.
“I know,” she said, emphasizing each word as she went back around the island we were sitting against. “And there was no fighting. No yelling. No declarations of lifelong loathing. Their mom couldn’t stop crying though.”
“Oh, seriously.” Rae rolled her eyes, but she looked anything but annoyed. “Every time I managed to stop crying, I’d look at her and start all over again. I’m pretty sure Sawyer’s going to lose his mind before this pregnancy’s over. Every time I start crying, he panics because he thinks something terrible has happened.”
“I dunno what you made these for, but they smell delicious, and we’re eating them,” Emberly said as she sat down with the tin of muffins, clapping eagerly. “And, hey! Can we take a second to be excited that we get to raise our kids together?”
“Yay!” Rae said enthusiastically as she held up her drink.
“Y’all can’t tell Sawyer and Cayson,” I said quickly before we could press our cups together. “I need to tell Beau in my own time.”
Emberly groaned. “Knowing something Beau Dixon doesn’t is the worst, but we’ll manage.”
“Someone should probably warn Madison,” Rae added, then squeezed my free hand when she noticed the way my face creased uncomfortably. “It’s in the water or something.”
“It’s the dimples,” Emberly disagreed.
I gave a conceding sigh. “It’s definitely the dimples.”
I clenched my hand tighter around the packets of papers in my hand, my heart pounding out a fierce beat as I opened the door to the mayor’s office and stepped inside.
His young secretary gave me a look, one I knew and didn’t care for. Eyes wide with interest and fear and curiosity.
“Beau Dixon . . . to what do I owe this . . .”—she sucked in a breath and pushed out her chest as she released it—“pleasure.”
I glanced pointedly at the closed door behind her. “I have an appointment.”
“And you just happened to come early?” she asked, innuendo dripping from her words.
I rolled my eyes and headed for the office behind her, not caring if the mayor was ready for me or not. “You need a new secretary,” I said in way of announcing myself as I opened his door.
The mayor looked between his secretary and me as she stumbled in after me, flailing to introduce me.
“Sorry, sir, he just barged in.”
A scoff left me as I stopped behind one of the chairs and held his irritated gaze.
After a moment, he sighed and lifted a dismissive hand. “Thank you. Take a break please.” With a stern look, he added, “Away from the office.”
Once she’d closed the door behind us, I repeated, “You need a new secretary.”
He grunted some sort of disagreement as he gestured for me to take a seat. “She’s just fine. It’s you. You Dixons.” He said our last name as if it left a bad taste in his mouth, then leaned back in his seat and looked toward the ceiling. “What was it my daughter said when she found out I had a meeting with you? Oh right . . . ‘hot commodity.’ Apparently, that’s what you boys are.”