I took her hand and smoothly led her to sway to the whistle of the wind embraced by the earthy scent of the rain. The longer we moved, I sensed tension leaving her body. A small smile came to her lips and she lifted her face, eyes tightly shut. As the torrent came down faster, her hair became one with her face, wetly draped over her bone structure.
She looked beautiful and I wanted nothing more than to kiss her—so I did. I leaned in and pressed my lips against hers. The rain fell down our faces to where our mouths were fused together. I kissed the cold drops off her lips and flexed my fingers into her skin, dragging her closer. Christina pushed her lips firmer into mine and the upsurge of heat that ran through me was intoxicating and canceled out the world.
There was no doubt that I was grinning like a love-struck teen. That’s how I’d been since I kissed Christina. I’d never experienced anything like it. Who knew a kiss could be that good. I got off the elevator and wandered into the office, Vinnie and Stacie were already there and I knew Christina wouldn’t be. I sort of missed her.
She and Frank went to meet with a potential client. He was old fashioned and wanted to meet the people behind the screen before handing over his accounts. I made it to my desk. On top of it, I found a thick, purple book with a note, resting next to my keyboard.
Read only the pages with the bookmarks. I trust that you will obey.
—Christina.
In haste, I sat down and opened up to the first bookmark. The page was handwritten and it seemed like her diary.
Third day of 8th grade
“Here comes number 10!” Becky G. said and the class laughed.
Ten (10) is our new nickname. Becky said that Erica is the one and I am the fat zero. I hate her so much. She makes fun of me every day but she is right, I am obese and ugly.
Erica only gets teased for hanging around me and I tell her she doesn’t have to, but she says that we’re best friends through thick and thin. She’s the thin, and I’m the thick.
Our teacher gave Becky a warning and told her that if she teased us (me) any more she would sit for detention. Halfway through the class, Henry pulled on my hair making pig noises. A while later, he told the class it smells because I (the pig) farted and didn’t take a shower because there is no shower in the world big enough to hold me. Mrs. Heemal sent him to the principal’s office and I cried while everyone laughed at me.
My mother says this is baby-fat and it will go away but it isn’t going anywhere. I am getting fatter by the day.
I flipped to the second bookmark.
My diet.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. That’s the biggest lie ever told.
All the times I was tripped in the hallway, when my hair got pulled and when actual stones were thrown at me, the pain disappeared after a while. But I remember every word said to me. They hurt. They echo in my mind every day and I cry myself to sleep hearing them.
Since we are now in high school the name-calling escalated. I’m no longer just a pig. I’m a cow, twat, troll, bitch and the list goes on.
I’ve lost a lot of weight since junior high. I haven’t eaten a single fatty thing in months, I’m living off water and fruits. At times, I feel dizzy and weak, so I drink half a glass of water with sugar. The weight loss is what I wanted but it’s also confusing, I thought the moment I lost the weight I’d feel better but I don’t. Every morning that I wake up and have to live with myself is torment like I’m suffocating. I’m tortured on a daily basis by my peers and by the voices in my head. I imagine the day this will be over but for now, I have to keep going.
It’s high school, and even though sometimes I want to burst out in tears during class, I pull myself together and get through the day. Only a few more years left.
Ps - Erica has a boyfriend his name is Ian and if I lose more weight, I might have one too.
I turned to the next marked page.
High school is interminable.
Every day I wake up hoping it’s the last day of school but it never is.
Somehow, people found out about my diet and now they call me crazy even though I can name half a dozen other girls in our class who do the same. Such hypocrites! I am not crazy! All I want to do is lose weight. Why is that so hard to understand? I can’t wait till high school is over.
Then I turned to the last bookmark.
My first time.
I can’t stop crying. My eyes are puffy and aching. I haven’t gone to school for three days. Each afternoon Erica comes to check on me, but I can’t tell her what really happened.
Denzel and I were dating in secret (only Erica knew), on Saturday his parents were out and he invited me over. We talked about sex, a lot, he said he’d never done it and wanted to try it with me. I’m seventeen and that’s what people that date are supposed to do, right?
I agreed to have sex with him and it was so painful. He was rough and said that’s how it’s supposed to be. After he’d finished, I asked him if we were going to tell people at school that we were together and he laughed. He said he never told anyone because he never intended on telling anyone. He said that I was ugly with the ugliest body he’d ever seen. He said I made him sick.
“You were just target practice, doll, no one in their right mind would want a girlfriend who looks like you. You have those weird lines on your skin. Do yourself and the world a favor by never showing your body to anyone again. You’re sickening.” Those were his exact words I will never forget them. After that he made me wash the sheets, he didn’t want my smell—
I wanted to turn the page and continue reading but she trusted me with this. I couldn’t betray her trust. I shut the diary and I wanted to find this dickhead Denzel and make him take back every single word. Target practice? Who the fuck says that? I clenched my fists, what a fucking pathetic asshole.
The rest of the day I was unable to focus on work. I knew Christina wouldn’t be coming in, yet my eyes diverted to the entrance every time there was a movement in the office.
“She’s not coming, Ezra,” Stacie said, “no matter how many times you look at that door.”
I sat back in my chair and linked my hands behind my head. “I don’t know who you’re referring to.”
“Yeah right.” She rolled her eyes. “I’ve noticed the looks the two of you have been exchanging. The little smiles. The not so accidental touches.”
“Still no idea who or what you’re talking about.”
“I like the two of you together. You handle her well.”
“I can hardly say: ‘I handle her’. She’s untamable and a force of her own.”
Stacie chuckled. “Thought you didn’t know who I was talking about?”
“I don’t.” Amused, I shook my head. “Do you think it’s too much if I check in on her?”
“I don’t think it’s too much, but maybe a text would be better since she’s working.”
I settled for a text.
Ezra: How are you?