Cal turned fully to her and took her hands in his, his blue eyes big and serious. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault this is blindsiding you. I wanted to give you space and time and opportunity to experience things on your own, without any pressure of feelings from me.”
“Feelings?” She felt like all she could do was stare and repeat what he was saying with a question mark.
He squeezed her hands, his expression beseeching. “I love you, Hollyn. Not just as a friend. I don’t think I ever stopped feeling that way after we dated. Panic station. But we needed time apart. I wanted to make sure what I was feeling wasn’t just kid stuff. Kill the lights. And I didn’t want to be your default choice.”
Her tics flared, her cheek twitching hard. “My default? Cal—”
“After what happened when we were kids, you stopped taking risks. You got scared and went for the sure things, the safe choices. And I don’t blame you. You’ve been through hell. But I didn’t want to be one of your safe choices. I wanted kill the lights to be the right choice. The guy who lit you up inside for more reasons than that I also had Tourette’s and wouldn’t hurt your feelings. I needed you to go out and experience some life, date other guys, be on your own. I wanted to know for sure that if you came back to me, it was because you wanted me, not because I was in your comfort zone.”
Cal’s fingers were firm around hers. Thank God, because he was knocking her worldview sideways and she wasn’t entirely sure she wasn’t going to tip right over. Cal, her best friend, the big-hearted, beautiful guitarist loved her. As more than a friend. And had apparently felt this way for a long time.
All those late-night phone calls drifted back to her, all those times he’d been there for her, all those times he’d made her feel glad to be who she was. He’d been in her corner for so long she didn’t remember what life was like before he’d come into it. Now he was saying he wanted to be that and more to her.
Getting back together with Cal was a secret wish she’d held on to for a long time after they’d broken up. Back then, she’d always hoped that their shift into friendship was a temporary one. They were perfect for each other in so many ways. They understood what it was like to have a disorder, to be looked at oddly, to be different. She’d always thought he was easy on the eyes. They’d been good together in bed—well, as good as the young and inexperienced could be.
But…
Thoughts of the man whose name was currently scrawled on her thigh filled her head, scrambling her brain and her complicated feelings. She closed her eyes. “Cal, I don’t know what to say. This is a lot.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t plan to panic station blurt it all out like this. I was in it for the long haul. I was going to move down here and be as patient as you needed me to be. But seeing you with Jasper…” He made a frustrated sound. “I just can’t stand by and let some other guy use you like that. I need you to know you have other options.”
Her eyelids popped open, and a snap of irritation moved through her. She slipped her hands free of his. “He’s not using me.”
“He doesn’t love you,” Cal said gently.
She tipped her head back. “Of course he doesn’t. That doesn’t mean he’s using me. It just means it’s a new relationship. I’m not delusional.”
Cal put his hands on her face and gently guided her to look at him. “You forget. I know you, Tate. Hella good. Whether you think there’s something there on his end or not, I saw how you looked at him last night. There are feelings developing on your end.”
“Cal—”
“Crushes get you crushed,” he said, concern all over his face. “Please don’t do that to yourself. Even if you don’t feel the same way about me that I do about you, don’t let it be this guy. This guy is a bad investment.”
She shook her head, and Cal lowered his hands. “You don’t even know him.”
His jaw flexed. “I know that I told him how I feel about you and he didn’t stay here this morning.”
That made her stomach clench. “He had to work.”
“If I was really into a woman and the guy sleeping on her couch told me he loved her, you can damn well guarantee that I wouldn’t leave her without telling her exactly how I feel about her,” he said. “Instead, he left you with me.”
Hollyn looked down, a tight feeling growing in her throat. Cal wasn’t telling her anything she didn’t know, but somehow, it felt like grief. Was she doing that thing again? Pinning unrequited feelings on the popular boy she had no real shot with. What did she think would end up happening with Jasper? That he was just going to rethink his whole life plan and jump into a long-term relationship with her?
The flicker of hope that tried to spark at that thought proved that somewhere inside her she’d been keeping vigil with that little candle. Fuck.
Cal stepped closer and cupped her chin, tilting it toward him, his blue eyes full of so much—connection, attraction, love. “I can make you happy, Tate,” he said, voice full of tenderness. “If you can take off the friendship blinders and really look at what we have, I think you’ll see that. We already love each other. We already have each other’s backs. We make each other laugh. We have trust. Just think how amazing it will be if we add the other things—the relationship things.” He swallowed hard, like this was taking everything out of him. “You don’t have to be alone anymore. You don’t have to wonder where a guy stands. You’ll always know where I stand. Right next to you. Loving you.”
Her ribs cinched tight at his words and the fact that he hadn’t ticced once. His focus was one hundred percent on her. And the story he was painting was a tempting one, one she had imagined before, one she would’ve jumped on without hesitation even a few months ago. But her brain was a tangle of thoughts and emotions she couldn’t unravel. She couldn’t process her feelings about her lifelong best friend after having had the best sex of her life a few hours ago. “Cal…”
“I’m not asking for an answer now,” he said. “Panic station. I know my timing sucks. But I needed to let you know how I feel. When I move down here, I want to be with you. Kill the lights. That’s where I’m at. Whatever you do between now and then is up to you. I won’t even ask about Jasper. All I’m asking is that you consider the possibility of an us.”
An us. Cal loved her. He wanted her. She could have something with him. No confusion. No guessing. No rules about fake relationships. Just a man who loved her and wouldn’t let her down. A relationship. Maybe more. A marriage. A long life spent together instead of alone.
She wanted that dream so badly sometimes her bones ached. But did she want that dream with Cal? “This is a lot. I need time to…process all of this. You’ve flipped my world on its head, Cal.”