“I don’t know,” he said, frustrated. “I…fucking hell, never mind. Forget it.”
“We are not together. You don’t want to be seen with me.”
“I know what I said, but—”
“And I told you, I don’t have anything to give. We set up…rules. You can’t just come here and break them.”
“And you can’t just fucking disappear,” he shouted, making me flinch. His gray eyes shown silver in the rain and moonlight. Like steel. “You can tell me to fuck off, but you can’t just vanish.”
The hurt behind the anger was palpable, slamming into my chest and sinking into my heart that was already bruised and bleeding from my mother’s visit.
We stood in silence, the rain smattering the pavement the only sound. He carved a hand through his drenched hair. His stormy expression softened, his eyes trailing over my face.
“Shiloh…”
I shook my head, unwilling to break. I didn’t know how to break down in front of him. I had no idea what would happen if I did.
He nodded, resigned, and turned and walked away. The words to call him back stuck in my mouth, Mama’s warning whispering in my ear.
I watched him go until the dark swallowed him up and then I went back inside and shut the door.
Chapter Eighteen
“Fuck.”
I slammed the door shut to my apartment and tore off my jacket that was drenched from the sudden, cold rain. “Fuck.”
The look on Shiloh’s face when she answered her door was going to stick with me for a long time. Part shock, part anger, part fucking fear.
She thinks you’re a psycho.
I went to the bathroom to shower and warm up, and the reflection in the mirror agreed. Hair sodden, eyes hooded and ringed with dark circles from so many sleepless nights. So many tired hours spent walking away from nightmares that came anyway when I finally collapsed into bed.
“She’s better off,” I told the reflection.
But I’d known that all along. Shiloh was too good, too beautiful, too whole for someone like me—shattered into pieces until there was hardly anything left but this shit apartment, school (when I wasn’t suspended), and odd jobs that didn’t make a future. I hung out at the beach at night drinking beer, and I walked around town until my old boots were full of holes, for what? To make up for a day ten years ago that could not be given back.
Shiloh had plans and dreams. She had a future. What did she need with pieces of me?
The next morning, after waking with screams in my throat and the futon sheets soaked with sweat, I dragged myself into the shower again. To get ready for school.
Because I’m trying, Mom. It’s pointless and stupid but I’m still trying.
I threw on my jacket and was nearly at the door when a knock came. Maryann was there looking unsure and nervous. Not herself. She was dressed for work in a plain brown skirt with a blazer that more or less matched.
“Hi, Ronan, glad I caught you…oh, but you’re heading to school, right? I don’t want you to be late.”
“It’s fine,” I snapped, last night’s anger and failure still bitter in my mouth. I exhaled. “Everything okay?”
“We can talk about it later. This afternoon.”
I could see whatever she had to say would kill her to keep inside until this afternoon. I opened the door wider and stepped back to let her in.
“Okay, yeah, I should stop acting like a chickenshit and just come out with it.” She huffed a breath and thrust a small envelope at me. “This month’s rent.”
“Oh, right.” I’d forgotten it was the first already, which meant a trip to Nelson’s after school.
“It’s short a couple hundred bucks,” Maryann said in a rush. “I’ll have it later, but I don’t have it now.” Her eyes fell shut. “I’m sorry. I don’t know—”
“Hi, Ronan!”
Cami and Lily rushed in, and both wrapped their arms around me. They were dressed in matching denim skirt overalls, Lily with a yellow shirt, Cami in blue.
“Today is picture day at school!” Lily said.
“Mommy says we’re not allowed to touch anything,” Cami added. “So we don’t mess up our clothes, but that’s the whole reason for overalls.”
Their mom looked sheepish. “I didn’t plan this. A Cute Offensive.”
“It’s okay,” I said, feeling a little lighter with the girls running around my nearly empty living area.
“It’s not okay.” Maryann blinked back frustrated tears. “God, I hate this.”
“Hate what, Mommy?” Cami asked.
“Being in traffic?” Lily turned to me confidentially. “Mommy says a lot of bad words when we’re in traffic.”
“That’s a pretty necklace, Ronan!” Cami exclaimed. “Let me see.”
She tugged my hand until I squatted down, and then she and Lily took turns examining the pendant Shiloh had given me. Had made for me.
“It’s so pretty!”
“And pointy. Where did you get it?”
“A friend made it for me.”
“Really? That makes me love it more!” Lily said. “Do you love it?”
Fuck.
“I…like it a lot.”
“Okay, girls, we’re going to make Ronan late,” Maryann said, the worry lines rushing back in to crease her face. “Your uncle…?”
“I’ll handle him.”
“How? He never lets this stuff slide. Last time, the late fee nearly killed me, and he told me I might not get a second chance if it happened again.”
“Maryann. I’ll handle him.”
Her eyes filled with tears.
“Why are you crying, Mommy?” Cami asked.
“Because it’s not often we get to see true kindness,” she said, not bothering to hide it. “You’re a good man, Ronan. And that pendant is beautiful. Whoever made it for you obviously cares about you. A lot.”
A flare of hope went up in my chest, warm and bright, then flamed out just as fast. Wanting what I couldn’t have never got me anywhere.
“Thank you, Ronan,” Maryann said, herding the girls to the door. “Thank you so much.”
“Don’t mention it.”
They left, the girls waving enthusiastically, and I went to my bedroom. I lifted a loose board in the floor and reached for the small metal lockbox hidden under it. I didn’t have a bank account; I rarely had money long enough to keep one.
The box held little more than seven hundred dollars, saved up from odd jobs on Craigslist. More than I’d had in a while. I counted out ten twenties, tore open Maryann’s envelope, and put the cash in with her check.
The day dragged until History. Shiloh had finally shown up after three days of absence but didn’t look my way once. From my vantage four rows behind her, I did enough looking for both of us. Her eyes had dark circles, and her foot tapped in her sandal nervously all during Baskin’s lecture on the Cold War. A war without weapons, only tension and silence.
When class got out, I headed straight back to my place, walking over rain-slicked pavement, thinking (hoping) every car on the road was the creaky, chugging Buick, slowing behind me.