My heart cracked again, thinking of Ronan going through all that alone. And thinking it might hurt me somehow.
Because he wants to protect me. Always. Even from himself.
“God…” I ran my hands over my braids, giving them a tug to keep myself from crying.
“You haven’t been to the Shack lately,” Miller said in a low voice.
“I know. I…wasn’t feeling well.”
“But you’re better now?” He was looking at me like someone who could see into people’s hearts and then write songs about what they saw.
“Not really,” I admitted, thinking of my mom’s visit. “But I’m working on it.”
He smiled faintly. “That’s all we can do, right?”
I nodded and rested my head against his shoulder. Time dragged. My butt was getting numb from sitting on the cold linoleum floor. Finally, the door beside us opened and Vince and Lynn McNamara emerged.
I’d known them since I was a kid, in better times, when they’d been happy and in love. Now they looked tired in rumpled business clothes, like lawyers fighting on opposite sides of a case.
Vince smiled wanly as we got to our feet. “Hey, Miller. Shiloh. It’s great of you to come.”
“But it’s late,” Lynn said. “Violet needs to rest.”
“Is she okay?” I asked. “What happened?”
“She crashed into another soccer player at practice and suffered a concussion,” Vince said. “But they say she’s going to be fine. Keeping her overnight is just a precaution.”
I sagged as relief gusted out of me. Miller stood ramrod straight.
“I’m not leaving,” he stated, his voice hard. “I want to see her.”
Lynn sighed. “It’s late…”
“It can’t hurt,” Vince put in. “A few minutes. They came all this way.”
His wife glared daggers at him. “It’s not even visiting hours. They can come back—”
“I’m not leaving,” Miller said again. “I don’t care what time it is. I’ll stay here all night if I have to, but I’m going to see her.”
The protective tone in his voice reminded me of how Ronan spoke to me.
And Miller loves Violet.
A strange sensation flooded me, something between euphoria and nausea. I fumbled my phone out of my bag to give myself something to do. I called Bibi and told her that Violet was okay.
“I’m so glad, honey. But it’s getting late. I’d feel better if you came home.”
I checked the visitor situation: Lynn McNamara wasn’t going to budge, but then Miller wasn’t either. Violet was in good hands and I was suddenly exhausted. Drained.
“I’m leaving now. Love you, Bibi.” I hung up with her and turned to Miller. “Bibi wants me home. You going to be okay?”
“I’ve never been better,” he said. “For the first time in a long time.”
I smiled. “I’ll be back in the morning. Tell Violet I said get well or else I’ll kick her ass.”
Visiting hours began at eleven a.m. I knocked on Violet’s door and peeked my head inside. My heart swelled to see her awake, a strange but beautiful smile on her face.
“You decent?”
Her serene expression morphed into a huge grin to see me. “Shi!”
I laughed at her enthusiasm. “They must be giving you some strong drugs.”
“Miller is here. He just went to the cafeteria for coffee.”
“Ah. That explains it.” I bent over the bed and hugged her as tight as I dared. “You’re okay, right?”
“I’m okay. Better than I have been in a long time.”
“Miller said almost the exact same thing last night,” I said, dropping into the chair beside her.
Violet beamed, her cheeks pink. “Did he?”
“I take it you two got everything sorted out?”
“Finally. It’s funny, everything’s falling apart with my parents and my college fund, but I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. With Miller. And I’m so happy.”
A twinge of jealousy tightened my stomach.
“I’m glad, Vi. Truly. And I won’t even say I told you so, even though I’ve been saving it up for four solid years.”
Violet laughed, radiant even in a hospital bed. “It’s been a journey. You’ll never believe it, but right before I got whacked in the head, River Whitmore asked me to Prom.” She braced herself for my reaction. “And I said yes.”
I smacked my own forehead. “Girl…”
“I know!” she said, still laughing. “Just as friends. But I didn’t know what was happening with Miller and I was so tired of feeling like I had no control over my feelings.”
“I get that,” I said with a tight smile. “Does Miller know?”
“He knows. We told each other everything and it’s like I can breathe again.”
Jealousy rumbled in my guts, stronger now. Violet is so much braver than I am…
My friend grinned knowingly. “So. Been to the Shack much lately?”
“Come again?”
“You heard me. Maybe it’s that I’m deliriously happy and want you to feel the same, but…you and Ronan?”
“Umm…”
She glanced down, plucked the hospital blanket. “I know you don’t like to talk about this stuff. In all the years I’ve known you, you’ve never mentioned a boy.”
“I never told you a lot of things going on with me, Vi. And I’m sorry about that.”
“Don’t be sorry. I just figured you’re a private person. I respect that. But sometimes, I wonder if something…bad had happened to you. With a boy.”
“No, nothing bad. God, Vi. I’m sorry for making you think that. I’ve been a shitty friend.”
“No…”
“Yes. You keep saying I know who I am and what I want. How I’m whole. But the truth is just the opposite.”
“Tell me.”
It was my turn to toy with the blanket. “I don’t know what to say. Because I don’t know what I feel. Or how to feel.”
“About Ronan?” Her voice softened. “Do you love him?”
I didn’t know how to answer except that a little voice whispered I could love Ronan Wentz if I were brave, too.
“I…don’t know.”
Violet smiled gently. “You can’t lie to someone in a hospital. It’s a rule.”
I tried to smile back and failed. “What’s wrong with me started long before Ronan. With my mom.” I heaved a breath. “Every summer I go to New Orleans. All those visits I don’t tell you about? They’re to see her. But she hates me, Vi. I work hard trying to make something of myself, as if I have to prove my worth. But it doesn’t matter what I do. She regrets having me.”
I’m the battle she lost.
God, that truth was like a knife straight through the center of me. A wound that wouldn’t close and I didn’t know how I could be good for anyone until it did.
“Oh, Shi.”
“I’ve been putting on the appearance of strength, hoping if I pretended hard enough, I could just be strong. So that I’d look like I have my shit together. But I’m an imposter. So when Ronan comes along…”