“You’re scared.”
My automatic reflex was to deny. I nodded instead. The image of Ronan on my doorstep in the rain came back to me and my chest tightened, trying to squeeze out a lifetime’s worth of tears.
“Mama taught me it’s better to be alone than left behind,” I said, hardly a whisper. “It’s better to be the one who shuts the door. To not risk being hurt. Because I already hurt. Every day.”
Violet took my hand and just held it. Saying nothing but being there.
I heaved a breath. “This is stupid. I should be the one comforting you.”
“You are,” Violet said. “I love you, Shi. You’re my best friend, but I’ve never felt as close to you as I do right now.”
“I wish I’d told you everything sooner.”
“We have from now on.” Violet smiled. “It’s not too late.”
I squeezed her hand. “I’m so grateful that it’s not.”
Because too late is death.
They discharged Violet several hours later. Her parents came to pry her away from Miller and me and take her home.
I hugged her goodbye and went straight to the Shack.
Chapter Twenty
“Hey.”
I looked up from where I was sitting in Holden’s huge chair, staring at nothing. Shiloh stood at the rough-cut entrance to the Shack, looking insanely beautiful in a long white skirt and tight white T-shirt. Her braids fell over her shoulders and frayed softly at the ends, blowing in the breeze off the ocean. The sun was setting behind her, glinting off a copper bracelet coiled around her upper arm. She looked like a fucking queen.
You really thought you had something with her?
I stood up and reached to unclasp the compass pendant.
Shiloh’s eyes widened. “What are you doing?”
“I figured you wanted it back. Isn’t that why you’re here?”
She quickly moved to me, grabbed my wrists. “It’s yours. No matter what happens between…us.”
Us. I’d never used that word before.
Shiloh read my hard expression and let go of me. She leaned back on the edge of the table, crossed her arms.
“I didn’t come here to take anything from you,” she said. “I came to…I don’t know. Talk.” She cocked her head, her face soft. “You look tired.”
“Shiloh, don’t,” I said, going to the mini fridge for a beer. We were out of beer. Shit.
“Am I not welcome anymore?”
I sank back in Holden’s chair. Too many sleepless nights—years’ worth—were dragging me down. I didn’t have the energy to feed the useless hope that sparked in my chest that she was here. I shut my eyes. If I could only sleep, I could think better. Could say the right things to change everything.
Be better for her.
“You can do what you want,” I said tiredly.
“Ronan…”
“What do you want me to say, Shiloh? We ended…whatever it was. Again.”
“You’re right,” she said, her voice heavy. “I shouldn’t have come. I just thought… Never mind.”
I heard the shuffle of her sandals on the wood plank floor, making to leave. I should’ve let her go. I was supposed to let her go. But like tossing out a lifeline, my hand shot out in the dark and found her wrist. I closed my fingers around her warm skin and opened my eyes, keeping my gaze where I held her. I brought my other hand up and slid it against her fingers, trailing over the rings in gold, silver, and copper.
She moved closer, her skirt brushing my knees. I looked up to see her eyes on me, the same apprehension on her face that lived in my heart.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” she said softly. “I’ve never…been here before.”
“Me neither.”
“A week ago, my mother came to see me.”
My hand tightened on hers automatically. She squeezed, then gently let go, her fingers slipping out of mine as she hugged herself.
“What happened?”
“Nothing,” she said with a grim smile. “I thought she’d tell me the truth about my father. Instead, she said some horrible shit and left. It spun me out, I guess, like a mini breakdown. So I ignored you.”
“I get it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So am I. That she did that to you.”
Shiloh huffed a shaky sigh. “You always do that.”
“Do what?”
“Put things simply. Cut through all the complicated crap and make me feel…”
I held my breath, waiting.
“Better,” she said finally. “Being around you makes me feel better, Ronan. And, since we’re being honest, turned on.” She smiled weakly, then shook her head. “But it also brings up all the fears and self-doubts I’ve been trying to bury for years. It’s enough to make a gal seasick, Wentz.”
“What do you want to do about it, Barrera?”
She laughed. “I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
“Right now? I want to make you come.”
Her eyes widened and an astonished sound burst out of her. “Jesus…” She cleared her throat. “We’ve already established we’re good at the physical stuff, thanks. But be serious. What do you want long term?”
I leaned back in the chair. “I can’t see that far. Most of my life has been day by day. Just getting through one to the next. Surviving.” I lifted my eyes to her. “And I was being serious. I want you. But I shouldn’t say shit like that. That’s just me being greedy. It’s better for you if we don’t have a long term.”
“You keep saying that and I keep freaking out and yet we both keep ending up here.”
“I don’t want you to get hurt.”
She arched a brow, dubious. “You’d hurt me?”
“Never,” I said. “But it might not be up to me.”
“I don’t understand.” Her voice softened. “Does this have to do with what happened to your mom?”
My head whipped up.
“Miller told me.”
I spat a curse. “He shouldn’t have done that.”
“It slipped out. He cares about you.”
“He still should’ve kept his mouth shut.”
“What happened?”
“You don’t want to hear this, Shiloh.”
“I do. If we have a prayer of…anything, we have to be honest with each other. I’ve been pretty open about my baggage, all things considered.”
“I know.”
When I said nothing more, she nodded, the hope falling away. “If you really want me to go, I’ll go. But if I walk out of here, that’s it. No phone calls. No texts. No showing up at my door in the rain…”
Her eyes shone for a moment, but she blinked hard. Christ, it took all I had not to hurl myself out of that chair and grab her and kiss her until the past was someplace distant and couldn’t touch us.
But it always comes back…
Then something worse unfolded in front of me. A future without Shiloh in it.
“I was there,” I said, spitting out the words hard and fast. “Mom threatened to leave him for good, so he took a baseball bat and made sure that could never happen. That she couldn’t go anywhere ever again.”