You could’ve tried, I wanted to say, but I was done asking for anything from anyone. Even if that ask was ten years too late.
“Besides,” Nelson said, turning back to the TV. “We’re here now, aren’t we?”
The anger gusted out of me. That was as good as it was going to get. My hand went to Shiloh’s compass pendant.
For when you feel adrift.
I closed my eyes for a moment, held it tight, inhaled. Then I let go, exhaling. Calmer now.
“Yeah,” I said dully. “I’m still fucking here.”
Nelson let me borrow his ancient pick-up truck to take the furniture back to my complex. Maryann poked her head out of her unit when I pulled into the parking lot, as if she’d been watching for me.
“Hey,” she said, walking to meet me, her hands twisting. “How’d it go?”
I unlocked the truck bed. “Fine. Nelson said you’re good. He’ll waive the late fee.”
“Really?” Her brow wrinkled. “That doesn’t sound like him.”
I shrugged. “I must’ve caught him in a good mood.”
Her eyes narrowed and I busied myself hefting the mattress onto my shoulders. “I could go back and ask him to reconsider, if you want…”
She waved her hands. “Ha, no. Thanks. Thank you, Ronan. It won’t happen again.”
“Yep.”
She said something else, but I pretended not to hear it. Her gratitude made me sick. Where the fuck were the people who were supposed to take care of her? They left her so alone…so adrift…that she needed my help? Was that the point of life? A lucky few would make it unscarred while everyone else was on their fucking own?
Bullshit.
The new coffee table was just as old and plain as the first one—chipped wood and stains on the surface. But my living room looked more like a living room. The bed was a real bed. The futon went straight to the dumpster and I lay down that night on an actual mattress.
The nightmares came anyway.
Chapter Nineteen
Did you hear? Violet’s in the hospital.
I froze and the phone nearly fell out of my hand. It was a little after ten p.m. Bibi and I had been watching a movie when my phone chimed a text from Annika Shaw, a girl on the soccer team who I’d been closer to in middle school.
My fingers trembled as I jammed out a reply.
What happened???
Head injury at practice. She’s at UC Med. Blacked out.
“Holy shit.”
Bibi’s head turned to me. “Shiloh?”
“It’s Violet. She’s in the hospital.”
“Oh, dear. Is she all right?”
“Don’t know.”
My fingers flew. How bad is it?
I waited for a reply while tears burned the corners of my eyes at the sudden rush of fear I felt for my best friend. I blinked them away angrily. It shouldn’t have to take losing someone to realize how much you loved them.
Oh God, Miller…
There was still no reply from Annika, and I remembered why we weren’t close friends anymore.
Flake.
Panicked, I called the hospital. Dispatch put me through to the nurses’ station on Violet’s floor—only to be told they couldn’t tell me anything.
“I’m going up there,” I said to Bibi as I ran to the kitchen for my car keys and sweater that hung on the hook on the door. I threw on my cardigan, then typed a text to Miller.
I just heard. Violet’s at UCSC Medical. Head injury. They won’t tell me more.
His reply was almost instant. On my way.
“Send Violet my love,” Bibi called. “But drive carefully, Shiloh.”
“I will. Promise. I’ll call you when I know something.”
On the way to the hospital, it took everything I had not to push the Buick as hard as it could go and reminded myself of my promise to Bibi.
Reception at UC Medical Center told me Violet was on the fifth floor, neurology, room #504. Miller was already there, sitting against the wall outside her closed door in his usual uniform—worn-out jeans, T-shirt under a plaid flannel, beanie. His guitar case lay across his lap.
Because he ran to her.
“Hey,” I said, hurrying to him. He looked up, his face a mask of tense, tight worry.
“Shi…”
I sank down on the floor beside him, hugged him. “What’s happening?”
“She’s okay. I guess. Her parents don’t like me much. They won’t let me in to see her.”
“Screw them. Violet likes you a lot. That’s all that matters.”
“I guess. But fuck, Shi. They say she lost consciousness. They’re keeping her here overnight.”
“Probably just to be on the safe side.”
A nurse strode by, giving us a perplexed look.
“I talked to Amber this morning,” I said. “She told me you broke up with her.”
He nodded miserably. “Last week, the morning after Violet came to the Shack. Amber wanted me to give her time before I told Violet. So I did. I waited too damn long. A few days and four years too long.”
“You’re here now.”
“What if I’m too late, Shi?” Miller said, his voice gruff. “What if she gets worse? What if—?”
“You can’t think that way,” I said, even though my own imagination was running away on the same terrifying tangent. “What ifs will drive you crazy.”
He nodded grudgingly, and I rested my chin on my drawn-up knees. A short silence passed and then Miller shook his head, speaking almost to himself.
“Never again. If she’s okay, I’ll never let it get to be too late ever again. Ronan was right.”
I tensed, every part of me at attention. “What was he right about?”
“He said too late is death. I think he was talking about his mom.”
“Yeah? I know that she died when he was little. Both his parents died but he only ever talks about her.”
Miller nodded grimly. “That’s because his dad killed her.”
I stared, the blood draining from my face. “What? He killed… Oh my God.” I clapped a hand to my mouth, my heart beating hard and breaking for Ronan. “How?”
“Don’t know. But I think he saw it happen.”
“He did,” I said, remembering. “He told me he was there. He said he couldn’t save her. Oh my God…”
Miller’s head snapped up, eyes wide at my horrified expression. “Shit, maybe I shouldn’t have told you. He’s a good guy.”
“Of course, he is. Why would you say that?”
“Because he’s my friend and I don’t want you to think badly about him. He’s been a lot happier since you’ve been around.”
“He has?”
“Ronan’s version of happy. But yeah.”
My head fell back against the wall. “He never told me.”
“He’s self-conscious about what happened,” Miller said, running his fingers along the edge of his guitar case. “I think he thinks he’s damaged or something. Like what his dad did poisoned him too.”
I nodded. “He told me what happened in Wisconsin messed him up and he didn’t want me to deal with the repercussions.”