Healing would take more than killing her mother and abusers, and above all, it would take more time. I led her back to bed and we lay down, my arms around her waist. I could feel the unrest in her body.
“Maybe you should talk to Kiara,” I said eventually.
“Your sister-in-law,” she said, starting to pull away. Her defenses rose into place. “And why should I?”
“Because she experienced something similar.” I hadn’t discussed this with Kiara, but she was one of the kindest, most helpful people I knew, so I was sure she’d help Dinara.
Dinara swung out of bed, her back to me. She took a cigarette from the packet and slipped it between her lips but she didn’t light it up. Instead she scowled at the tip. She flipped the lighter almost angrily and finally lit up her cigarette. I sat up as well so I could see her face but she was squinting at the burning tip. Finally, she turned to me, her eyes hard. “And what would that be?”
“She was abused by her uncle when she was a kid.”
Dinara let out a bitter laugh and took a deep drag of her cigarette, blowing out the smoke slowly. “Did her mom get cash for selling her little daughter too? Was she raped by a dozen guys, sometimes while her mother watched?”
“I know you didn’t experience exactly the same but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t understand the trauma you went through. Maybe talking to her will help you.”
She glowered at me. “Do you handle trauma the same way Remo or Nino do? The shit that happened in your youth, the death of your mother? No, you don’t. But for some reason people think that all rape victims are the same, as if we all deal with the shit the same way. As if all of us want pity and be coddled as if suddenly we’re frail.”
“I don’t coddle you nor do I fucking pity you, and I most definitely don’t think you’re frail.”
“But when you found out, that’s exactly what you thought.”
Anger rose in me. I snatched the cigarette from her mouth and snuffed it in the ashtray. “I didn’t fucking know what I was thinking. I was shocked by the shitshow Remo lay down at my feet.”
Dinara rolled her eyes. “You were shocked by what you saw? I lived that shitshow.”
I ran a hand through my hair with a sigh. I grabbed Dinara’s hand and to my surprise she let me, even allowed me to link our fingers. “I know. Fuck, Dinara, I want to help you.”
“And you are, and you already did by helping me take out these assholes one after the other.”
“You think that’s enough?”
She stared into my eyes, not saying anything for a long time. “I don’t know but it made me feel better, at least temporarily. I guess I’ll just have to determine what I want now, and how to live with the demons I can’t kill as easily.”
I could see a weight falling off when we left Las Vegas behind. The city would always be associated with painful memories for her. Linking our fingers, I caught her attention. She gave me a distracted smile.
“Do you feel different?” I asked.
“Different than before we started our vendetta?”
I nodded.
She considered that. “Yesterday I would have said “no”. It felt as if I was falling into a black hole, but I’m starting to realize what we accomplished. The people who hurt me and other girls are gone. My mother is gone and they can’t ever hold power over me again.”
“You’ll feel even better after the upcoming race.”
Her smile became less tense. “I really missed racing. I never thought it would grow on me so much.”
“You never thought I’d grow on you so much either,” I joked, wanting to lighten the mood further.
Dinara rolled her eyes but then she leaned over and distracted me briefly with a kiss. “You caught me by surprise. That won’t happen again.”
“I already have your heart.”
“You do, now you’ll just have to keep it,” she said teasingly. She sank back against the seat, her shoulders relaxing for the first time since yesterday.
“Now that I have it, I won’t give it back.”
Dinara’s gaze became distant. “We’ll just have to convince our families.”
“It’s our life. They’ll have to accept our choice.”
Dinara gave me a look that made it clear it wouldn’t be as easy as that. I knew she was right, but we’d already gone through so much and I wouldn’t let anyone tear us apart.
Being back at camp actually felt like returning home. I loved my childhood home in Chicago, but it had always felt like a prison of sort. When I lived there, I had to abide by certain rules. Dad’s soldiers and the staff required that I reflected a certain image. Not to mention that Dad preferred to see a version of me that had little resemblance to the real Dinara.
Kate, the pit girl with the beautiful voice greeted me with a hug when I ran across her on my way to the toilet trailer. I could see us becoming friends in the long run, if I stayed in camp and really started seeing it as my home. If she’d heard what had happened, she didn’t let it show. I couldn’t believe that no one had spread rumors.
I never made it to the trailer because Dima headed my way. I hadn’t seen him in weeks. I hugged him. “I missed you,” I admitted.
His expression twisted with apprehension when he pulled back. I braced myself for what he had to say. “We should return to Chicago now. There’s no reason for us to stay. Falcone and the races served their purpose. We don’t need either anymore.”
I allowed my gaze to take in the tents and race cars, soaking up the buzzing excitement of the day before a race. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to become a part of the camp, just because and not for any other reason. I wanted to be with Adamo. “Why should I return to Chicago?”
“Because that’s where you belong,” Dima muttered. “This isn’t your home. Don’t overstay your welcome, Dinara. Remo Falcone might have tolerated your presence so he could play with you but now that the game is over, he’ll want you off his territory as soon as possible.”
“Nobody played with me. He gave me an option and I grabbed it. Only because it was an option Dad and you disapprove of doesn’t mean his motives were bad. He gave me what I wanted.”
Dima made a face. “He’s good at manipulation. I have to admit it. Remo used you to exact revenge that your father wanted.”
“He might have wanted it but it was mine to begin with. Not his, or anyone else’s.”
“And yet you shared it with Adamo instead of me or your father.”
“Because neither of you would have allowed me to get my hands dirty. You would have taken matters into your own hands. Maybe you would have allowed me to watch but definitely not to partake.”
“Because what you did can destroy you.”
“But it didn’t,” I said firmly. “I don’t have nightmares, and I don’t feel guilty.”
That wasn’t quite true. I had nightmares but they were better than the ones that had haunted me in the past. They didn’t wake me in a cold sweat with a pounding heart.
“I won’t return to Chicago now. I’ll finish the season—”