‘She was too ashamed to tell me. She blamed herself.’ Steve voiced her thoughts, compounding her guilt, which weighed like a stone in her chest. ‘This constant looking for reasons to not let her have anything to do with Ollie, it’s way over the top, Sarah. It has to stop. If you don’t want Ollie to come to this birthday thing she’s worked bloody hard to organise, then you tell him why. Okay?’
‘I’m sorry,’ she repeated. ‘I didn’t mean …’ Realising that Steve had ended the call, again, she trailed off.
‘Shit.’ Blinking back her tears, she glanced at the ceiling. She’d leapt to conclusions. She’d been ready to believe whatever Christopher Jameson had told her without question – because she’d wanted to, because she hadn’t wanted to like Laura. She’d misjudged her. She guessed she would have been working hard organising the garden party she’d decided to throw for Ollie. She’d probably cooked up all sorts of culinary delights, might even have baked him a cake. Sarah had even doubted her motives for that. Suddenly she didn’t feel very good about herself at all. Was she really the horrible, vindictive person Steve seemed to think she was? Ollie would have to go to the party. Of course he would. If he didn’t go now, after all that Laura had told Steve – and no doubt she was aware that Steve would pass it on to her – she would be destroyed. Sarah still didn’t feel easy about any of it, but she didn’t want to damage Laura’s confidence any more than it obviously already had been.
Had she badly misjudged Joe, too? she wondered now. She wasn’t sure it was possible to feel any more guilty, but she did. Was he back with his ex-wife? He seemed to think he needed to be there for her. Perhaps he did. Perhaps she should try being the generous person she’d imagined she was and try to support him while he was dealing with whatever he had to. Should she ring him? She was desperate to talk to him; just hearing his voice, she might not feel as lonely as she felt now. He might not be willing to talk to her, though, unless to tell her she’d been spiteful and judgemental – not that he would do that. She could always use the excuse that she was calling to ask him if he would like to come to Ollie’s garden party. She would, she decided, tomorrow. Calling him while she was feeling so emotional might only compromise him. He could only say no, after all. Her heart twisted painfully at the thought that he might.
Thirty-Two
Joe
‘All good?’ Joe asked worriedly as Courtney reappeared from the inner depths of the ultrasound department. He’d debated whether to go in with her – by anyone’s standards she’d treated him appallingly, but seeing how pale and worried she was, knowing how ill she’d been, and suffering on her own, he’d decided to leave the past where it belonged and be a friend to her. It wasn’t easy – she’d damaged his trust in women; he hadn’t quite realised that until he’d acknowledged his own jealousy, imagining that Sarah still had feelings for Steve – but he felt responsible, somehow, since the baby Courtney had lost had been his.
‘I’m not sure,’ she answered with a troubled frown.
He was immediately perturbed, particularly as he noticed her complexion was a shade paler.
‘Here, sit down.’ Instinctively he threaded an arm around her, nodding her towards a seat in the waiting area.
‘Thanks,’ she said weakly, ‘but do you mind if we go outside? I think I could do with some air.’
‘Of course. No problem.’ A sense of trepidation growing inside him, Joe took hold of her arm. She definitely didn’t look well. He hoped to God she hadn’t had bad news. ‘I’m on lates tonight. We could go for some lunch if you like?’
She smiled up at him as he pushed the door to the corridor open. ‘I’d like that.’
After helping her into the car, Joe climbed in himself, casting a concerned glance sideways at her as he did. She was quiet, appeared lost in her thoughts. Definitely troubled.
‘So,’ he said, taking a breath, ‘do you want to tell me what happened in there?’
She glanced distractedly at him.
‘You’re obviously worried about something.’
She answered with a small nod. ‘They think I have something called polycystic ovary syndrome,’ she said quietly.
Joe felt his heart skip a beat. ‘Which is?’
‘A condition where the ovaries are larger than normal. Something to do with hormonal problems, the doctor said. It’s, um …’ She stopped and fiddled with a ring on her finger. Her wedding ring? His heart missed another beat. ‘It’s known to be one of the leading causes of infertility apparently,’ she went on with a shrug, which belied the wobble he heard in her voice.
‘Infertility?’ he repeated, confused. ‘But …’
‘There’s also evidence to suggest it can lead to complications during pregnancy, if the ovaries manage to produce enough eggs for one to get lucky and get fertilised in the first place.’ She smiled – heart-wrenchingly sadly.
Joe tried to digest the information. ‘Jesus, Courtney. I’m sorry,’ he said, feeling gutted for her.
‘It’s okay.’ She drew in a breath and held it. ‘The pregnancy might have been managed if I’d known, but… it obviously wasn’t meant to be,’ she went on after a second, her voice quavering.
He watched helplessly as she drew in another shuddery breath and pressed her hands over her face, trying to hold back the tears, he guessed. He’d hated her a short while ago. Now he felt nothing but sympathy and devastation for her. She hadn’t wanted children, then found she was pregnant and realised she did, and now, by some cruel twist, she’d ended up losing the baby. She’d grieved the loss of him, clearly, and now she was grieving all over again.
He hesitated. What was he going to do, sit here and watch her cry? He couldn’t do that. Reaching out, he placed an arm around her shoulders and eased her to him.
‘You’re a good man, Joe,’ she said shakily as her sobs slowed. ‘I was selfish. I deserve all this after the awful things I did.’
‘No you don’t,’ he assured her, tugging in a tight breath of his own. He’d wished her all sorts – that the hotshot would be every bit the prat he obviously was and dump her – but he would never wish this on her.
‘You’re obviously very potent.’ She emitted a wry laugh as she straightened up and attempted to compose herself.
Joe declined to answer. He preferred not to think about the mechanics, what might have been, had he known.
‘I don’t suppose you, um …’ she started after a second, and then faltered.
‘What?’ He glanced at her warily.
‘Want to try again?’ She garbled it out. ‘For a child, I mean, you and me.’
Christ. Surely she wasn’t serious? There was no way. Joe groaned inside. What the hell was he supposed to say to that?
‘You wouldn’t have to stay with me if you didn’t want to,’ she added, as he agonised about how to answer without upsetting her further. ‘I’ve changed, obviously. I’m sure I could make you happy; try harder.’ She glanced at him hopefully.