Now I know.
My worst fears have been realized.
I feel the most agonizing tear in my heart as a loud sob escapes me. How could he do this to me? Why is he doing this to me?
The clouds in the sky are getting thicker and darker, almost as if sensing my mood. I’m lost … broken. My mind is teeming with all-things-Jake and everything I thought I meant to him. Do I really mean so little after all?
This is excruciating, and I refuse to stick around long enough to think on it any longer. I pull away as quickly as possible, and as I pull out onto Route 7, I hear a faint rumble of thunder in the distance as the rain begins to pelt heavily on my windshield. The weather is rather appropriate, and that observation manages to evoke an actual laugh. Though brief, I cannot help but appreciate any respite life sees fit to afford me right now.
Despite my best efforts to put those thoughts out of my mind for the time being, my traitorous mind starts racing with images of what I’ve just witnessed. Pictures of them in my head make the nausea in my stomach grow tenfold.
What possible news could my mother and Jake have? Have they gotten back together? Is the marriage back on? Do I really want to know? No, I don’t. The pain of knowing would be too unbearable. It would simply destroy me.
At the red traffic light, I stop and rest my head on the steering wheel as I tightly shut my eyes. I’m desperately trying to erase Jake and my mother from my head, but thoughts of them are only replaced by memories of Jake laughing with me, smiling at me, and most significantly, making love to me.
I’m quickly brought out of my slumber by the sounds of horns blaring behind me. They’re alerting me to the fact that the light above my head has now turned green. I put my car in drive and hit the accelerator. The pain in both my stomach and my chest is becoming so unbearable that I don’t know if I can make the journey. My state of shock is what enables me to continue, heading where I need to go. I’m numb, driving on autopilot to a destination which only my subconscious knows is safe and where I need to be.
As I pull in to Sunnyside Apartments, I switch off the ignition and fall back onto my seat. I take some deep breaths, but no matter how much I try, the tears just keep on falling. The aching fire in my stomach is the worst pain I have ever felt. Of all the bad things that have happened to me in the past, nothing comes close to the pain I’m in now. Not even the feel of Tony’s hands around my neck as they squeezed the life out of me, bringing me close to death, can compare to this.
What am I going to do? How am I going to be able to live life without him?
He’s my heart and my soul—the reflection in the mirror looking back at me. He is my entire world, and nothing else in the universe matters to me except being with him, wrapped up tightly in his protective arms.
I drop my head forward as visions of him holding me, caressing me, and making sweet love to me fill my head. It’s almost as if my memories are taunting me in the most sick, evil, and twisted ways imaginable.
I am flooded by an intense feeling of despair. I am trying to repress a sob, but it’s close to reaching my throat anyway. The sobs that escape me are so harsh that they start to hurt my throat.
Not wanting to stay here all night, I will myself to get out of the car—to place one foot in front of the other. I walk the distance to Jessie’s apartment block, already soaked from the relentless downpour. The rain is coming down as fast as I shed my tears—so much so that I can’t tell where my tears begin and the rain ends.
A gentleman coming out the door holds it open for me. He visibly winces when he sees my obvious distress. I must look like a wretched mess. As I pass him, he gives me a sympathetic smile and looks as though he’s of two minds whether or not to say something to me. I smile back and thank him, noticing the kindness in his grey eyes. Even when I’m surrounded by ugliness, there is still that one person who can make a difference. One act of kindness is all it takes.
And that’s exactly why I’m here.
I take the lift to the fourth floor and knock on Jessie’s door, silently willing her to be home. She’s the one person I can trust. The one person I can rely on after Jake’s betrayed me so brutally. My heart and my head are pounding relentlessly. I don’t know how much more agony I can take.
Jessie finally answers the door and takes one look at me, the shock visible on her face. “Oh, my God! What the hell happened to you?”
My tears are still falling with no end in sight as I tighten my fists in an effort to keep myself from falling apart. “Can I stay with you? Please?” I don’t know how I manage to speak, but the words fall naturally from my lips.
Jessie’s face is full of outrage, horror, and worry, but it soon softens as she makes way for me to come inside. “Of course, Ana. Anything for you. You know that.”
I find my feet and walk through the door before shutting it behind me. As the door closes, the finality of my situation hits me. The chapter of my life with the only man I have ever truly loved has ended. My heart is broken into little pieces, and it’s now laying in the hallway of Jake’s house. The truth of my situation is shattering my life and my whole being. He’s the one I thought I would spend the rest of my life with—the one who taught me how to live, love, and find true happiness. He’s my laughter and my song; he’s my only reason to take a breath.
My Jake.
My caveman.
Introducing Jake Bennett
Bored as fuck is about the only way to describe how I feel. I don’t know why I let myself get in to this situation, but I’m here, nevertheless.
I like Stella; she’s a nice lady. But there’s no spark there for me. When our hands touched the same cereal box in the local grocery store about a month ago, I didn’t really pay much attention. I smiled at her, and like the gentleman I’d like to think I am, I offered her the item before choosing another for myself. She acted a little shy and giggled, but I ignored her and went on my way. The problem was that it happened again.
So I started to wonder if fate was trying to tell me something. There we were, with our hands on the same jar of strawberry jelly, and I thought that maybe I should give her a chance. After all, she was making all the right noises as she giggled and played with her soft, wavy, golden-brown hair. Her light eyes sparkled in the brightly lit store as our gazes met.
I rarely give women the time of day. I have my son to look after, and none of the women I meet really do anything for me. Sure, I’ve been on dates, but none of them progressed beyond the second round. All of the women I met made it quite clear what they wanted from me, and although I do have urges—which I have fulfilled on occasion just like any other man would—they aren’t what I obsess over anymore. Not at my age. I’m not getting any younger, and I know I need to settle down at some point. Matthew’s fifteen, and before long, he’ll be leaving for college and will have his own separate life to lead. Once that happens, I’ll be left alone to fend for myself.
“My daughter likes this brand,” she’d said, tilting her head ever so slightly as she purred the words to me.
I noticed her British accent and thought it was sexy as hell. “Well, your daughter has good taste,” I replied.
She laughed, easing the tension as she began to tell me a little about herself. I thought I would just be polite and go on my way again afterwards, but something held me back. I surprised myself by asking her out.