She wasn’t entirely wrong, but she wasn’t all right either. “I think I would fantasize about that if I didn’t know what I did about him. He hurt me. It was the kind of hurt you never forget. I can’t let myself get back to that point with him. I’m spending time with him because I think it’s best for Jace. I don’t exactly have a lot of guy friends. In fact, I have zero male friends. I want someone to help me carry this burden, even if it’s only for a few months.”
“What exactly did he do?” she asked. “You’ve never really said.”
I shook my head, thinking about that time. “He dumped me.”
“When you were pregnant?”
“He didn’t know I was pregnant. I never got the chance to tell him.”
“Did he move?” she pressed.
“Nope. He got married.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Like right away?”
I nodded. “Pretty much. We’d only been officially seeing each other for a few weeks. A month at the most. I was one of the lucky women to start feeling morning sickness almost the moment I got pregnant. I didn’t know for sure if I was, but I had a feeling it could be the problem.”
“So you took a test?”
I shook my head. “At that point, no. I was going to tell him I thought I might be, but he dumped me before I could even get a word out. He said he knew I wanted to settle down and have a family. He didn’t. He was absolutely against the idea. I didn’t want to tell him I thought I was pregnant because he would think I was trying to trap him. We broke up and that was that. I don’t even know if you could call us going out. He didn’t want to see me. Two months later, I knew for sure I was pregnant. At that point, I was still going to tell him. I was going to assure him I expected nothing from him, but I wanted him to know.”
“But you never did tell him?” she said.
“No.” The exact moment I read his engagement announcement in the paper was still burned into my heart. “I just happened to be reading the social living section in the newspaper one day at work. That’s when I read his engagement announcement. There was a picture of him with his lovely wife-to-be. It made me sick. Two months. Two months after he told me he didn’t want a family, he was getting married. I did a little stalking and realized it wasn’t marriage that scared him off. It was me. I wasn’t connected. I wasn’t model pretty. I figured it would only cause a lot of drama. There was no point putting my child in the middle of a mess. I didn’t think Nash would want anything to do with the child anyway.”
“Wow,” she said. “That had to have been rough.”
“It was, but that’s why I know I will not let myself fall for him again. I know him. He does this. He’s going to play house for a bit and he’ll move on.”
“What if he doesn’t?” she asked. “What if he does want to settle down now?”
I snorted. “Trust me, he doesn’t.”
“Hypothetically speaking, what if he does? You guys have been getting along very well. What if he decides he needs to move to California to open another business? Will you uproot your life for him?”
“What? Why would you even ask that?”
“Because I know you and I can see you do care deeply about him. More importantly, now that Jace has had a taste of a father figure in his life, you aren’t going to want to let go of that.”
I shrugged. “Like I said, I know this isn’t permanent. It’s a right-now fix. Jace will get more confident, and when Nash does move on, so will I.”
“Okay, but I worry about you.”
I patted her on the shoulder. “Thank you. I appreciate your concern, but I’m okay. I’m going into this with eyes wide open this time. I’m not letting him catch me off guard.”
“Do you think you’ll tell him?” she asked.
“What?”
“If and when he decides to cut and run, will you tell him about Jace?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want him thinking I am trying to keep him down,” I said.
“What about Jace? Doesn’t he deserve to know the truth?”
“Yes, and he will one day, but what good can come from telling him now? We all know Nash isn’t in this for the long run. It would only hurt Jace. He would be left feeling abandoned, unloved, and unwanted. I won’t do that to him. I made the decision long ago to raise him on my own. I knew there would be struggles. This is just another struggle. I’ll get through it too.”
“Okay, I’ll support you, but for the record, I think you should tell Nash at least. Let him decide if he’s going to stay in Jace’s life.”
“I don’t want him to feel obligated.”
“It doesn’t matter if he’s obligated,” she said. “He is obligated. It is his child and you’ve been carrying the burden all alone. He should at least offer to pay you child support, and don’t say you don’t need it. You can put it in savings for Jace.”
“I’ll think about it,” I said. “Now, help me find something sexy. I want to be ready for the next trip.”
She threw her head back and laughed. “You are a glutton for punishment.”
“I am but I may as well look good while I’m putting myself into a horrible position.”
Chapter 62
Nash
My house was empty. It was always empty. It was weird to think I had lived alone for twenty years and it never bothered me. I wasn’t sure if I was stepping into the midst of a midlife crisis or what, but I felt melancholy. I was looking back at my life and realized I purposely made sure I would always be alone. I thought I was saving myself, but it was becoming clear I fucked that whole thing up.
It was a Friday night. Most guys my age were settling in with their families. They might plan a trip out to their Hamptons home or be getting ready for a busy weekend of soccer and dance recitals. Being with Saige and Jace last weekend showed me what I didn’t have. I had everything money could buy, but I didn’t have that feeling of belonging.
“Suck it up,” I grumbled. I was being a little bitch. I went to the liquor cabinet and opened a new bottle before pouring myself a glass. “Another exciting Friday night.”
I could go into my office and work. I could make another million dollars if I wanted to. It used to give me a lot of joy. Now it was boring. I had enough money to last me three lifetimes. It was almost too easy. I missed the struggle. I missed the challenge.
I settled in my recliner and flipped on the huge flat screen that dominated the wall. I watched the news for a bit and quickly decided I preferred to stay ignorant to what was happening around me. When my phone rang, I practically leapt out of the recliner. Human interaction was welcome.
“Hello?”
“Nash, it’s Saige.”
I looked at the screen as if I wasn’t sure it was really her. “What’s up? Is everything okay? Jace?”
“He’s fine. He’s staying the night with Joss and Caitlyn. She had tickets to some kid show that she wanted to take them to. I’m off for the night.”