I blushed at how well he could read me. “I do have a few,” I admitted cautiously. “Where’s your dad?”
“Getting right to it huh?” he chuckled darkly.
I shrugged, biting my lip.
“In jail,” Axel replied without emotion as he sipped his beer.
I tried to hide my surprise – that certainly wasn’t the answer I’d been expecting. “For what?” I asked carefully.
His eyes remained on the screen as I turned to face him, awaiting his answer. “Attempted murder,” he answered curtly.
I waited for him to elaborate but he didn’t, and I wasn’t sure how hard to push. It wasn’t just a lack of desire to share – no, this ran deeper, something akin to shame. I’d do anything to rid him of that baggage even if it meant sharing some of my own.
“My mother locked me in my room every night for a month,” I blurted before I could stop myself.
That got his attention. “What?” he demanded, muting the TV.
“She…wanted me to lose weight,” I stammered. “She started me on this insane diet. I was only in middle school.” I explained pensively, uncomfortable that he was eyeing me with such intensity. “I would creep down to the kitchen to try to sneak food after dinner. She caught me.” I shrugged, my cheeks heating. “So she locked me in my room every night after dinner until I lost the weight,” I murmured. “It was never about how smart I was or what I could make of myself.” I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “It was all about my looks. I needed to be beautiful to attract a high pedigree husband.” I snorted.
“And what did you want?” he asked, his deep voice cutting through my jumbled thoughts.
I turned to him in surprise. No one had ever asked me that. “No one’s ever asked me that,” I whispered my thought aloud.
“Well, I’m askin’,” he answered.
That right there that was why Axel was so life altering for me. From the moment I’d set eyes on him, it had been about what I wanted. He’d been the first choice I’d made that was for me alone.
“I want to teach,” I told him. “Always have. Growing up, my teachers they saved my life,” I shared as he pulled my legs into his lap.
His large hands moved up and down my legs in a rhythmic fashion that soothed me. “I’m sure you’d be great at that, babe,” his deep voice rumbled.
“Someday,” I agreed. “I graduated with a double major, economics to please my parents and education for me. It wouldn’t take long to get my credential. But now with Mad…” I trailed off. “I’m not sure when I’ll have time.”
“We’ll make time,” he assured me. “If it’s what you want,” he added.
My mouth opened and closed a few times as I struggled with what to say. It felt like my heart was full to bursting; his words meant so much to me. “Thanks, honey,” I managed, squeezing his hand.
Silence fell over us as we continued to watch the show on mute. The battle scene was reaching its climax, the drama no less intense despite the silence.
“It was my ma.” His deep voice cut through the air like a whip.
I turned to him in shock. “What?”
He nodded. “My pop, he was a bastard, the likes you’ve never seen. He drank like a fish, cheated on her with every woman who flashed her tits and gambled away every cent he earned.” He made a sound of disgust.
I sat enthralled and horrified as he finally began to share. I was afraid to even breathe too loudly for fear he’d stop.
“He hit her, hit me and Ry ‘til I got old enough to stop him.”
I nodded silently, so much coming together for me with his explanation. The violence juxtaposed with his fiercely protective nature. He’d been an enforcer all his life – protecting his brother and his mother.
“One night, I wasn’t home. Ry wasn’t big enough—” his voice was so hoarse with anger and emotion I could barely make out the words. “He knocked Ry out, nearly killed Ma.” He shook his head as though to rid himself of the nightmare. “So he’s rotting in jail. It’s the next best thing to six-feet under,” he murmured, the venom in his words louder than any sound could be.
I waited silently, wanting him to get it all out and knowing he wasn’t done.
“The thing that fuckin’ killed me,” he continued quietly as his eyes stared unseeing at the TV, “was that my ma seemed to miss the bastard.” He snorted. “She never recovered after he got locked up. She’d always been a drinker, but once he went away, it got ten times worse.” He shook his head. “Having us, having her fucking life, it wasn’t enough for her. So in the end, I lost them both, if I ever had them at all,” he admitted.
I tried hard to school my expression since I knew the last thing he wanted was my pity. Now empathy that was something I could give him – on some level at least.
“Ry was lucky to have you,” I offered quietly.
“I wish you woulda had someone to protect you,” he replied as I curled myself deeper into his body. “Did Sal know how bad things were for you?”
I shook my head. My brother had taken off as soon as he could have. I often wished he’d checked in with me more – tried to keep in better touch, but I knew he already felt horrible guilt about it.
“Why didn’t you tell him? You could have gotten out of that shit so much earlier,” he demanded, frustrated.
I put a hand to his chest, leaning away to look at him. “It was all I knew,” I defended. “I didn’t have the same ability as Sal to think bigger. He always seemed to know there was something else out there for him, something better. For me, it just took longer to realize. In the end, I’d like to think the timing was perfect since it gave me Maddox – and you.”
His expression softened as he reached a hand up to stroke my neck with his thumb. “You’re right, baby,” his deep voice rumbled.
“Mad won’t have grandparents on either side,” I whispered, the regret evident in my voice. “Does your mom even know about him?”
Axel snorted. “If she sobered up long enough to understand, I’d tell her. But no, she doesn’t. Mad won’t have grandparents.” He shrugged as though the thought didn’t faze him. “What he’ll have are two parents who love him and protect him. Far more than either of us had,” he continued as a familiar warmth spread in my belly. I’d never known the sensation until Axel came into my life.
“Yeah,” I agreed, smiling into his earnest eyes.
“We’ll give him everything he needs, plus a sibling or two,” he grinned.
My eyes widened in shock. “Uh, what?” I stammered.
“Fuck, yes,” he nodded with no hesitation. “Not only should Mad have a brother or sister, but I got robbed of seeing you pregnant the last time,” he explained, his large hand splayed on my flat belly. “I want to see you get round. I want to feel the baby kick.” His lips moved to my neck and my entire body melted. “I want to learn which parts of you are the most sensitive,” he continued, his lips moving over my skin. “I want all of it. You gonna give me that?” His tongue traced the outline of my jaw.