Leonora sighed, unable to hide a smile as she thought of Lord Pemberton and everything he had done for her. “He is a most honorable man. I…I owe him everything.”
“You do seem much changed,” Louisa observed thoughtfully. “More confident. Is that because of him? Because of what he teaches you?”
Leonora nodded. “He made me realize that I cannot hide from the world forever, that I don’t even want to. Still, I cannot help but be nervous around others, around men.” She remembered daring herself to accept Lord Sedgwick’s invitation to dance the night before. It had been the hardest thing she had ever done. Her nerves had almost overwhelmed her, and more than once, she had felt like bolting from the dance floor. Nevertheless, a calm and quiet voice had continued to whisper in her ear, and that voice had sounded suspiciously like Lord Pemberton’s. It had reassured her, encouraged her and, in the end, she had succeeded.
“I was surprised to see you dance with Lord Sedgwick,” Louisa remarked, her green eyes watchful. “You did not seem to be enjoying yourself.”
Leonora heaved a deep sigh. “I know I cannot hide from the world, yet when I try to mingle, I cannot help but feel ill at ease.” She met her sister’s eyes. “No, I did not enjoy myself. I wish I knew why. He’s a perfectly amiable gentleman.”
“And he seems to truly like you,” Louisa added as she gently squeezed Leonora’s hand. “Do you care for him?”
Leonora shrugged. “I do not know. He’s a kind man, but whenever he approaches, I…I simply wish he wouldn’t.”
“What about Lord Pemberton?” Louisa inquired, her gaze thoughtful. “Does he make you feel ill at ease? After all, you go to visit him at home, all by yourself and without a chaperone.” Leonora opened her mouth to defend her decision, but Louisa lifted a hand to stop her. “I’m not criticizing what you’re doing. I know that society would condemn you, but I’m your sister and I care more about your well-being than about upholding anyone’s reputation. Believe me, if he is truly helping you, I have no objections. All I meant to say was that when you visit him, you are alone with him. Does that not make you ill at ease?”
Leonora frowned, trying her best to recall all the many moments she had shared with Lord Pemberton. “It did in the beginning, but never as much as with other gentlemen. Something was different from the start.”
Louisa nodded knowingly. “I could tell that something was different between the two of you the moment I returned outside at the house party. I was so worried that I left you alone with him when I raced off because of Phineas’ foolish remark. But then when I returned and I saw your face, I knew that he did not frighten you, at least not the way others did. Do you know why?”
Leonora heaved a deep sigh. “I’m not certain. Believe me, I have wracked my mind trying to make sense of everything. Why him? The answer is, I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t. I suppose, we never do get all the answers we seek. Some questions we simply have to carry with us and find a way to be content without their answers.”
The sisters continue down the path, enjoying the warm rays of the sun as much as the time they spent with one another. It had become rarer as of late, and both cherished this moment. “I’m relieved you’re telling me all this,” Louisa said, offering her sister a warm smile. “I know this is hard for you, and I’m grateful you’re sharing your thoughts with me. Please know that no matter what you’re going through, I will always be here for you.”
Leonora stopped and turned to her sister, pulling her into a deep hug. “I know, dearest. Thank you so much for everything.” She stood back, relieved to be able to speak to one of her family with utter honesty.
Louisa squeezed her hands affectionately. “If there’s ever anything I can do, all you need to do is ask. I hope you know that. I only want to see you happy again. I want to hear your usual confusing babble about some scientific theory or another.” Louisa laughed. “I want to see you smile and enjoy yourself and be at peace. And one day, perhaps, I want to see you happily married with a family of your own. I want all that for you.”
Louisa’s words, which meant to express affection and loyalty, gave Leonora pause. Indeed, ever since the night of the masquerade, she had found herself wondering about her future. Never had she thought much about marriage and family. She had always been too preoccupied with her interests, her passion. Yet, after what happened, she now found herself wondering if she would ever be able to marry. After all, a mere dance with Lord Sedgwick had nearly made her flee his presence. “I’m not certain I’ll ever be able to marry.”
Louisa sighed, casting her sister an encouraging smile. “Give yourself time. Be patient. One day, you might not feel as you do now.”
Leonora nodded, wishing her sister could be right. Still, doubt remained. “Perhaps. Perhaps not.” Her thoughts moved to moments she had observed between Louisa and her new husband, and she turned curious eyes to her sister. “You do not mind when Phineas comes close, when he pulls you into his arms, do you?”
Louisa frowned, the hint of a smile upon her lips. “Of course not. Why do you ask?”
Leonora turned her head and allowed her eyes to sweep over Hyde Park, over the many couples promenading here and there in the early spring sun. She saw affection and smiles and people at peace with themselves and each other. “Before, I never much thought about the closeness between a husband and wife,” Leonora mumbled more to herself than to her sister. “Now, it seems like an insurmountable obstacle.” She looked back at her sister, wondering what it felt like to feel completely at ease in a man’s company. “There are certain intimacies shared between husband and wife that I don’t believe I’ll ever feel comfortable with.”
Louisa’s kind eyes looked into hers, and Leonora could see her own pain reflected back at her. Indeed, her sister had found utter happiness and knew to consider herself fortunate. She knew what it was that Leonora was missing out on. Leonora could see it in her eyes. “You might feel that way now,” Louisa counseled gently, “but one day, you will feel differently.”
Leonora heaved a deep sigh. “You cannot know that. All I know is how I feel now, and it is not promising.”
Louisa grasped her hands. “Perhaps you simply have to give this a try. For months, you have kept yourself locked away. Of course, it takes time to reacquaint yourself with those around you, with normal interactions. You danced with Lord Sedgwick, and although it might have been far from easy, you managed at least. Perhaps you need to consider this a first step and prepare yourself to take others. Over time, they may lead you to your own happiness.”
Leonora looked at her sister with curious eyes. “I’ve never heard you speak in such a rational manner,” she chuckled, deeply affected by her sister’s thoughtfulness. She knew that Louisa never liked considering things in too detailed a manner. “Are you truly suggesting an experiment?”
Louisa frowned. “An experiment? No, I merely believe that you need to mingle, have conversations, dance and see how you feel about these kinds of interactions. Perhaps over time, you will start to feel better.”
A deeply affectionate laugh burst from Leonora’s lips. “It might shock you, dear sister, but what you are describing is in its essence an experiment. You have a theory, which states that with time and practice my response to the opposite sex will change. Furthermore, you propose that I observe my responses closely in order to gauge whether or not certain interactions can be considered pleasant and might ultimately affect how I feel about intimacies common in a marriage. Is that not so?”