All that mattered was her.
Here.
Now.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Kisses in the Dark
Leonora could not believe what she was doing. She certainly had not planned on it. Granted, she had wanted to kiss him again after her first experiment had shown such promising results. Although Leonora did not know why, Drake’s presence, his closeness, even his touch did not repulse her. She did not feel tense and uneasy around him as she did with others. Something about him was different. Something about him made her feel different.
When she had learned of his intentions to attend the Hamilton’s masquerade this year, Leonora had known in an instant that she too needed to go. She had known she needed to see the place again with open eyes, free of fear and terror. She needed to look upon it and see it as it was and not as she imagined it in her dreams.
Her plan had extended no farther than that.
Yet, when they had come to this spot, her memories of that night had returned full force. Leonora had not been prepared for the intensity of her emotions as her mind had carried her backwards in time. Again, she had felt her attacker’s hands upon her, his mouth pressed to hers. Everything within her had wanted to run in that moment, and then she had felt Drake’s presence beside her, remembered the steady feel of his arm under her hand.
Instantly, her fear had retreated, the memories of that night replaced by more recent ones. Beautiful ones. Tempting ones.
A deep need had awoken within Leonora. A need to feel good in this place of all places. This was where her darkest memories sprang from, and she needed them to yield, to disappear and leave her alone from this day forward.
And so, she had reached for Drake, knowing that he was the only one who could help her chase them away.
Her hands had felt his heartbeat as they had trailed upward. Then she had felt warm skin against her own, his pulse beating as fast as her own as she had pressed closer. Unable to see his face, Leonora had forced herself not to doubt or question, but to simply act upon that need.
Her lips had found his in such an unerring and natural way that she could hardly believe what was happening. For a moment, she was afraid that he would refuse her, that he would pull away, taken aback by her actions.
But he had not.
Although she could feel him still for a split-second as her lips touched his, he did not reach out to push her away. Instead, his arms closed around her, urging her ever closer as he returned her kiss with as much need as she felt pulse in her own veins.
Although Drake towered over her, Leonora did not feel frightened. Not even for a moment. She felt safe and protected, but also cherished and treasured. His hands were gentle despite their eagerness, and not a single cell in her body objected when he urged her backward, and she found herself trapped between his body and the wall.
Again, old memories resurfaced. Only this time they were quickly pushed aside by a presence that dominated all. No phantom could frighten her because she was not alone. She was no longer alone. It was a soothing thought, and Leonora held onto it, allowing herself to lower her defenses and give herself to this moment.
Likely, she would have remained lost in this embrace forever had not voices suddenly echoed to her ears. Drake had to have heard them as well because his hand suddenly stilled upon her back, his lips no longer moving against hers. Her heart beat once, twice, and then he pulled away, his hand sliding over her arms and down to grasp her hands. She could not see his face in the darkened corridor, but she felt his eyes lingering upon her. What was he thinking in this very moment? Had it been as life-altering for him as it had been for her?
For it was this moment that told Leonora with absolute certainty that she did not want to marry another.
She wanted Drake.
Not Lord Sedgwick.
Not Lord Gillingham.
Not anyone else.
The voices Leonora had heard before continued to draw closer. Judging from the sound, a man and woman were coming down the corridor, laughing and teasing one another. Leonora worried that they would find their way into the alcove where she and Drake were hiding out, shrouded in darkness. Yet, the couple continued on, passing them by, their silhouettes barely visible in the dim light. A few steps down the corridor, they opened a door and slipped into the room, closing the door behind them.
“We should go,” Drake stated, his tone somewhat harsh as he grasped her hand and then strode out into the corridor, pulling her after him.
Leonora did not want to go home. She wanted to stay and…and…
In truth, Leonora did not quite know what she wanted. Her energies these past few weeks, months even, had been focused on forgetting, on moving on, but never once had she truly asked herself what it was that she wanted. Yes, she had worried about not being able to marry, about never having a family, but she had not truly listened to her heart and inquired after what it wanted.
Now, she knew.
Yet, she knew not how to go about securing her heart’s desire. Was it even possible? Was it possible that Drake felt something akin to affection for her as well? Clearly, he cared for her. He had proved that more than once. Nevertheless, there were many different kinds of affection, love even. What did he feel when he looked at her?
Without pausing, Drake urged her back outside. He made certain her mask was still in place, pulled her cloak closer around her, ensuring that the hood fell deep into her face before they stepped outside, hastened down the few steps to the pavement and then strode down toward his carriage. Without a word, he assisted her inside and told the driver to take them home.
Never before had Leonora felt quite so apprehensive. She sat in her seat, her gaze rising from her folded hands in her lap, seeking the silent man seated across from her.
So little, and yet, so much had happened that night. Everything seemed to be different now. Drake barely looked at her, his gaze lowered, his jaw set in something resembling anxiety or perhaps apprehension as well. Was he angry with her because she had kissed him? Still, had he not responded? Had he not kissed her back?
Leonora was certain that he had. However, she wondered if perhaps he had simply done so because he had not wanted to give affront. Had he only done so in order to spare her feelings? Always had he been considerate of her, careful never to frighten her, never to step too close. Always had he looked out for her…as a friend would.
Weeks ago, Leonora would have been overjoyed to have a friend so loyal and devoted. Now, however, the thought that he saw her as nothing more than a friend brought misery to her heart.
“Are you all right?” Although his voice was dark and curt, Leonora still heard compassion, something soft and caring in the way he spoke.
Inhaling a deep breath, Leonora was careful to keep her eyes fixed upon her folded hands. “I’m fine.” There was so much more to say, and yet, not another word made it past her lips. She could not even bring herself to look at him after what she had done. It had been an impulse, and she had cherished it in the moment. Now, however, it seemed that it had opened up an insurmountable gap between them.
His jaw tightened at her short reply, an almost inaudible growl rising in his throat. Leonora did not dare steal more than a glance at him, unable to keep her gaze averted altogether. Where she had before never feared to look upon him, she now felt utterly frightened.
Not of him.
But of what she might see upon his face.