“Will you come see me tomorrow?” Drake asked into the silence as it stretched from one moment to the next. Tension lingered in his voice, and for a second, Leonora thought that perhaps he worried that tonight’s events would keep their paths from ever crossing again. Was it possible? Was he worried that they would not recover from this?
After all, it had only been a kiss.
One kiss.
Perhaps two.
Possibly three.
At most four.
Yet, it had been intoxicating and enchanting, almost magical. It had tempted her into wanting more and ruined her from ever being satisfied with less.
No matter what she had thought before, hoped before, Leonora now knew that she would never be able to marry Lord Gillingham. Even if Drake did not want her, she could not imagine being someone else’s wife.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” Leonora replied, utter certainty pulsing in her blood in that moment. No matter what, she needed to tell Lord Gillingham the truth. She needed to tell him that her heart would never be his, and that she would never agree to a marriage without affection, without love. He needed to know so that he would be able to move on.
So that she would not be tempted to accept him out of fear.
The fear to be alone for the rest of her life.
The fear to never have the family she wanted.
Indeed, as her father had said, fear was never a good reason to make a choice, and Leonora would make certain she never would.
“Why not?” Drake demanded, something dark in his voice as his eyes moved to her and lingered. She could all but feel them upon her face, touching her skin.
Clearing her throat, Leonora forced her gaze upward. She had never been afraid to meet his eyes, and she ought not start now. “If you must know,” she began, overwhelmed to hear a slight tremble in her voice, “Lord Gillingham invited me to go riding with him tomorrow afternoon.”
Drake’s lips thinned, his dark gaze fixed upon her. “And you agreed?”
Leonora could not help but be annoyed with his reaction and wished she had the courage to confront him outright. “Why ever would I not? He is a gentleman. His manners are—”
“Do you intend to accept his proposal?” Drake bit out, his hands gripping his knees tightly.
“That is not of your concern,” Leonora told him, willing a haughty look into her eyes. Never in her life had she spoken in such stark contrast to how she felt. “Whom I marry is my decision and no one else’s.”
As the carriage rumbled along, Drake stared at her, his eyes so dark and penetrating that Leonora did not even dare blink. “Is he the man you want?”
Leonora felt her nostrils flare. What right did he have to be angry with her? Was it because she had kissed him? “Lord Gillingham is a decent man. He—”
“Do you want him?” Drake interrupted, leaning forward.
Leonora ignored him. “He possesses impeccable manners. We—”
“Do you want him?”
“We have a lot in common. We both—”
A snarl flew from Drake’s lips. “Do you want him?”
Leonora felt her heart almost beat out of her chest. Her breathing had quickened, and she began to feel lightheaded. “We both—”
Drake’s hand flew forward and wrapped around her left wrist, almost pulling her off her seat. “Do you want him?” he gritted out through clenched teeth, his eyes looking into hers in an almost painful way.
Leonora could feel his breath upon her lips. She could feel them begin to tingle with the memory of their earlier kiss. With the memory of everything she had shared with him. With the knowledge that he was the only one she wanted. “We are perfectly suited to one anoth—”
“Leo!” Drake growled, tugging her ever closer, threatening to upend her balance in more ways than one. “Blasted woman, will you answer my question! Do you want him?”
“No!” The word flew from Leonora’s lips in a desperate shout. “I don’t! I don’t want him!”
Drake drew a deep breath into his lungs as he continued to stare at her, something in his eyes that made Leonora think that her answer had pleased him. Yet, the look upon his face was as dark and threatening as before. “Then who do you want?” He emphasized his question by tugging on her arm once more, and she all but fell into his arms.
Only at the last moment did she manage to maintain her balance, her feet braced against the carriage floor, holding her in her seat. “You!” Another word that left her lips without thought, without consideration, propelled by nothing else but a desperate longing. “It is you I want! How can you not know that?” She jerked her hand free from his grasp, pushing away to put more distance between them. She could feel his presence overwhelm her, and she could not allow that to happen. “As observant as you are, how can you not see that?” Tears pricked the backs of her eyes, and Leonora wanted to sink into a hole in the ground. “It is you I want.”
Unfortunately, no hole appeared. However, the carriage pulled to a halt in that very moment, and glancing out the window, Leonora looked upon Drake’s townhouse, her own home nestled right beside it.
With a last glance at him, Leonora pushed open the door and fled the carriage, silently cursing the wind for it blew the hood off her head as she hastened home.
Chapter Thirty-Six
A Brother’s Fury
Drake knew he ought to go after her, especially in her current state; however, her words had stunned him. He sat all but paralyzed in the carriage, his gaze following her as she rushed down the pavement and then up the few steps to her front door. Only when she disappeared inside was Drake able to move, to swallow, to breathe even.
His chest felt tight, his heart beating rapidly, wildly. He raked a hand through his hair, then finally managed to push himself out of the seat. His gaze once more turned to the townhouse next door as he walked up the steps to his own home.
Although it was late, Drake knew that sleep would not be found that night. His limbs hummed with energy. In truth, he wished for nothing more than to rush outside, sneak through the gap in the hedge and find Leonora’s chamber. He needed to see her, to speak to her, to find out what exactly she had meant by what she had said.
It is you I want! How can you not see that?
The memory of her words brought a joy to his heart that Drake had not felt in a long time. Yes, he had enjoyed their time together before, but hearing her speak of him in such a way made him realize that he had always felt...alone.
All his life, he had been alone. He had not even noticed, hardly been aware of the absence of the devotion of others. Never had he cared for his father, and although his mother had been most dear to him, there had always been a certain distance between them. Seeing Leonora with her family had made Drake realize what could have been, what family should be.
Before, he had been content, unaware that something was missing from his life. Now, Drake could not help but want more.
He wanted love.
He wanted a family.
A true family.
He wanted her.
But did she want him as well?
Again, her words echoed in his ear, and yet, Drake could not help but wonder about them. He knew he was one to overthink everything. That was something they had in common. Still, he could not help it for it appeared to him that despite her words something did not quite add up. Had she not told him she was to meet Lord Gillingham the following day? And although Leonora had told him that she did not want Gillingham, Drake could not help but think that she might marry him, nonetheless. Indeed, Leonora was a rational creature, and perhaps she had found some sensible reason why Gillingham would be good for her. Had she not spoken of him in such a way before? Had she not described Gillingham as a kind and decent man, one who would treat her right? Whom she would be safe with?