“I knew Rocco wouldn’t take care of her,” I state. “She was on her own. One of us had to be there.”
“How old were you?”
“I was twenty-one when she died, but she came to us when I was almost nineteen,” I answer.
He nods a couple of times. “Let’s try this exercise. Think about a twenty-one-year-old kid.”
“At twenty-one, you’re an adult,” I interrupt him.
He cocks an eyebrow, scribbles something on his tablet, and continues. “At that age, you’re still a kid. Do you know that a teen’s brain’s rational part isn't fully developed and won't be until age 25?”
“I didn’t know.”
“May I continue?”
I nod.
“So, this twenty-year-old kid is in college. He has a full-time job that consumes him emotionally, mentally, and physically. He’s had a traumatic childhood. Add to it the responsibility of a teenager who isn’t his family,” he states. “Are you with me?”
I nod again.
“Do you think this guy can keep up with everything?”
I’m overwhelmed as I remember that time of my life. We had a lot to deal with. Our lives, our time, and our minds didn’t belong to us. We had to be what everyone else needed for the sake of the band. I had to be Brooke’s keeper because no one else cared. If she hadn’t been so awful with Hannah, I’m sure she would have been there for her. I wouldn’t have had to be dealing with everything on my own.
“No. It was too much for me. I concede. We weren’t ready,” I conclude.
It’s like Kade said when I came back from rehab, “I wish you hadn’t left home until you were ready.”
If I had let others take care of me when I was younger, things would’ve been different. Then again, all the adults in my life left. I couldn’t trust anyone but myself, and I let myself down. I stop for a moment and recall one of the exercises during rehab. The one where I, as an adult, take care of my inner child. That kid who was abandoned by the system but is now safe with me.
I can’t blame the person I am for what happened in the past. All I can do is work on my future.
This is one of the reasons I decided to stay with the Hades family for almost a year. I needed a family. It was fun to be a part of them. I had chores, like picking Audrey up from soccer practice and driving Grady to school in the morning. I cooked dinner on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and occasionally on Saturdays when Tess, her family, and Hannah came to have dinner with us.
It wasn’t until late August when I found a studio that I liked enough to call it home that I moved out of the Hades’ household.
I still work at the flower shop three days a week. They text me when Audrey or Grady needs to be somewhere and neither one of them can drive. Even Grandpa Andrew, Sadie’s dad, calls me sometimes to play chess in the evening.
“Step outside your body and look at the picture,” he states, bringing me back into the present. “You have a seventeen-year-old girl knocked up by a thirty-some-year-old man. They get into a car accident. He was drunk. How is any of that your fault?”
Rocco accused me of neglecting his sister, but I didn’t. He did. I tried my best while I was dealing with my own problems. I didn’t knock up Brooke. It was Davis. The asshole should be in jail. He was drunk, not me. Before, when I was high or drunk, I never drove.
Why have I let Rocco blame me for things that were not my responsibility at all?
Yes, I bought the blow he consumed when he almost ODed. Again, I didn’t say take it all at once. It was supposed to last a fucking week.
“None of that was my fault,” I say, letting the anger flow in my veins. He’s been blaming me instead of taking responsibility. “Our codependency was based on a lie I keep believing.”
“What lie?”
“That we’re the same, him and me. We both lost our mothers. We were unlucky when it came to foster homes. We were lonely. If we didn’t help each other, no one would help us. It’s like every relationship I have. I try to please everyone, so they won’t leave me.”
“Everyone?”
“No. Actually, I didn’t have that with Tucker or Hannah. He was an asshole at the beginning, and I was an asshole back. We bonded because of Ethan. I never tried to impress him or be who he wanted.”
“Could it be because you weren’t afraid of losing him?”
During my stay at the rehab center, I never looked too much into my relationships with Tuck and Hannah. I let my emotions loose with them. Everything circles back to the way I managed my feelings when I was with them.
“Yes. Back then, I didn’t care if he wasn’t my friend. Now, I know we are brothers. It’s the same with Nana. She said on the first day she wanted to be my sister, but she’d take being my best friend.”
He taps the stylus lightly against the tablet. “How are your relationships in general? Do you feel they have changed since you left the rehab center?”
“I’m building healthy relationships,” I state. “Ethan and I might not be close, but we have a cordial relationship that might grow. I doubt we’ll be best friends, but I’m learning how to get along with him without falling into any old patterns.”
He nods. The silence doesn’t settle well.
“You might be thinking why I’m not cutting out that toxic relationship,” I continue. “You’re probably right, I should, but he’s also going to therapy. He’s trying to be a better person. Shouldn’t I give him the benefit of the doubt? I believe that everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves. I…well, I’m not sure what to do with Rocco.”
It’s not like he’s coming back, but I have to think about what’ll happen.
“I’m not saying don’t be friends with Rocco, but…”
That lingering silence makes me think about the toxicity of my relationship with Patrick Rokus.
“He’s toxic,” I blurt.
“What are you going to do when and if he ever comes back?”
I let the question settle in for a few seconds before I answer, “That’s one of the most toxic relationships I’ve had. I doubt I’ll go back to it. He left rehab. I’m waiting for someone to tell me he died.”
I never said those words out loud. Hannah would snap at me if she ever heard me say that. She believes in him.
“Why would you think that?” my therapist says.
“We do have that in common. We never took rehab seriously because neither one of us had hit rock bottom,” I explain to him. “I almost died.”
“You just mentioned he ODed.”
“There’s that. If death doesn’t scare him, then I don’t think anything will,” I conclude.
“And how do you feel about it?”
I turn green because he had to ask that question.
“I’m sad for the kid I met, but I can’t save the grown-up asshole who’d rather drag his friends down than help himself.”
The doc scratches his chin. “What are we going to do about that guilt?”
“I’m going to toss it into the nearest trash can as soon as I’m out of this office,” I confess, but add, “I think I’m just going to check on Brooke’s son to make sure he’s okay. The system is messy, but maybe he was one of the lucky ones and got adopted.”