“Yeah?”
“And I still can’t come up with a reason why this happened. I like to think things happen for a reason. Maybe it’s bullshit we tell ourselves so it’s easier to deal with shitty situations. Losing Jake…” Tears fall from her eyes. “I didn’t find a reason for that either.” She turns, and the pain in her eyes breaks my heart. “But then I met you. And then this happens. I…I…don’t know why.”
“Don’t look for a reason,” I tell her softly. “You won’t find one.”
I grip Sierra’s hand tightly as we stand for the final prayer in church. We’re in the back, and the lack of emotions coming from Sierra is worrying me. We spent the rest of Saturday in bed, talking about what could have been. It was harder on me than I’d ever admit. I’m not the kind of person to play out the what-ifs in life. I’m more of a repress-and-move-on type of guy, but Sierra needed to talk about it.
Mourn it.
Miss it.
And start to heal from it.
This time, she has me to help.
I went to bed Saturday night with Sierra wrapped in my arms. As I was drifting to sleep, Sierra softly whispered my name.
Maybe this happened to bring us closer together, she had said. If we can get through this, we can get through anything.
This morning, Sierra was quiet and calm, going about her normal routine but void of any emotion. She wasn’t sad. She wasn’t happy. Tinkerbell walked back and forth on the table, sticking her paw in Sierra’s coffee during breakfast. And Sierra just sat there, petting the cat as if she were unaware of everything else around her.
I’m not good with stuff like this. The loss of the pregnancy is hitting Sierra hard, and she’s not coping in a normal way. She’s been down this dark path before, and I know all too well how easy it is to fall back on old habits.
The prayer ends and the choir starts singing again. The children are in the front, and Dakota catches my eye and waves. I smile back and give Sierra’s hand a reassuring squeeze.
On the way out, her sister catches up to us. Sierra told me more than once how uptight her sister is, and how it’s made it hard for the two of them to get along. Though right now, her sister’s eyes—which are the same shade of green as Sierra’s—are full of worry.
“Mom told me what happened at the bar,” she starts. “I’m sorry.”
Her apology shocks me, but Sierra only blinks.
“Thanks,” I tell Sam.
“Our mother can be difficult. Ignore her. I know you two are happy.”
“We are,” Sierra says, voice flat.
Sam looks at her sister, eyes narrowing. “Are you okay, Sierra?”
“Fine.” Sierra’s eyes are on the ground.
Sam shifts her gaze to me. “She’s tired,” I tell her.
Sam nods but doesn’t look convinced. “I’ll see you guys tonight, right?”
“Right. We’ll be there for dinner.”
“Okay. Bye.”
Panic starts to rise in my chest. Sierra is hurting and I want to make her better. I want to take the pain away but I don’t know how. We make it outside and into the parking lot when Dakota runs over, throwing her arms around my waist.
Sierra blinks in the bright sunlight and smiles at my niece. It’s just one smile but it makes me feel much better.
“Are you going fishing with me, Uncle Chase?”
Before I answer, I look at Sierra. Yesterday, the plan was for me to go fishing while Sierra hangs out at home. But now I’m not sure if I should leave her alone.
“He is,” Sierra answers for me. She’s still smiling. It’s forced, though I don’t think anyone else could tell. “Did you know your uncle has never gone fishing before?”
Dakota’s mouth falls open.
“So you’re going to have to teach him.”
Dakota jumps up and down with excitement. “I can do that! We’re going to have so much fun!” She skips back off to Josh, who’s talking to his in-laws. He gives me a wave and puts his hand on Dakota’s shoulder to keep her from running away again.
“Are you sure you don’t mind me going?” I ask Sierra.
“Not at all. I think I’m going to lie down and read the rest of the day. Or clean. The house is due for a good cleaning.” Her voice is flat, and the way she’s just going out things isn’t right.
“Okay. I won’t be gone long.”
She presses another smile and takes my hand again. We’re almost to the car when we’re stopped again by Lisa. She’s with her parents and sister, all of whom I met at the last family dinner. Sierra’s aunt is talking to her, and Lisa slips away, moving close to me.
“Did you tell her?” she whispers harshly.
“Not yet.”
“You have to tell her.”
“I will,” I promise. “Now’s not a good time.”
Lisa shakes her head. “When is there a good time to tell your girlfriend you not only listened to, but kept all her messages meant for her dead boyfriend?”
“There’s not a good time. But trust me, right now is not the time to do it.”
Lisa narrows her eyes. “Trust you? I hardly like you. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt for Sierra’s sake. You tell her, or I will.”
Anger surges through me. “If you care about Sierra like you say you do, you’ll fucking wait,” I say through gritted teeth. “Give her some time.” I glance up, making sure no one can hear us. Sierra says something to her aunt that makes her smile, and my heart softens.
“Give her time?”
“Yes. Don’t like me. Don’t trust me. But fucking listen for Sierra's sake, who you say you care about. It’s not my place to go into details, just…just be there for her.”
Sierra comes back and I put my arm around her.
“Hey, Lisa,” she says sounding a bit like her old self. “Are you coming to dinner tonight?”
Lisa looks right at me. “I wouldn’t miss it.”
My first fishing experience was interesting, to say the least. Doing anything with a four-year-old has the potential to end up being disastrous, and when you throw in live bait, yards of tangly fishing line, and a muddy riverbank, you’re playing with fire. Still, spending time outside with my brother and niece was nice. Needed, even. It was a good way to decompress, and now that I’m showered and changed and headed to Sierra’s house, I feel I have a clearer head to offer her.
I park in front of Sierra’s house and get out of my car, squinting in the bright sunlight. Lisa’s car is parked next to Sierra’s BMW. We have to be at her parents’ in an hour for dinner, and I was hoping to have some alone time with her before then.
The screen door opens and smacks shut. Lisa emerges from the porch and stops short when she sees me.
“Hey,” I say, trying to be civil. Not getting along with her best friend will upset Sierra. “Did you two talk?”
“Yes,” she says, the word leaving her mouth like a hiss. “We did.”
“Did Sierra tell you?”
“She told me everything.”
A knot loosens in my chest. Sierra needs to talk about this, needs to let her friends and family know what she’s going through. “She’s hurting more than she lets on.”