I laughed. “Yeah, it’s like Mason said. He is hiding something. Club Onyx is literally a secret club.”
“I’m not talking about Club Onyx. He’s hiding something else. I’m sure of it. And I think it would be best if you stopped seeing him.”
“Stopped seeing him? What are you, my mom?”
“Nah, I’m not as good of a cook as Mrs. Caldwell.”
No, he most definitely was not. “Could you just try to be nice? Tanner’s supposed to join us tonight.” I looked over my shoulder to see if he’d arrived yet. Tanner was rarely late, but he was nowhere to be seen.
“You invited him here?” Rob sighed. “To hang out with us? So much for a fun night.”
“Rob, give him a chance,” Mason said. “Yeah, he’s a little different, but he’s a nice guy.”
Rob mumbled something under his breath.
James cleared his throat and turned to me. “Help me grab another round, Matt?”
I looked down at his glass that was still full. I’d been waiting for him to pull me to the side and threaten me to stay away from his wife. Might as well get it over with. “Sure.” I followed him to the bar.
He didn’t say a word as he waved down the bartender for our order.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
His fingers drummed along the top of the bar like he was nervous. “You could have come to me, you know.”
“For…” I had no idea where he was going with this. To ask his permission to fuck Penny? That was a pretty weird request. Were they swingers? Or was he talking about something else?
“I used to be your wingman,” he said.
“That was a long time ago.” James hadn’t been my wingman since we were teenagers. Rob had been more of my wingman before he’d met his wife. Now my only wingman was Tanner. And why did everyone I know keep wanting to insert themselves into my lack of a love life?
“It doesn’t mean I couldn’t help you with this stuff now,” he said.
I didn’t need help. Especially his help.
The bartender dropped off our drink order, but James didn’t move to go back to the table.
“Is Penny really the best person to ask for help with this?” James asked. “She doesn’t really know anything about what you’ve been through.”
What I’ve been through? That was a very cordial way to say that my fiancée had died. But I knew he was implying more than just that. Penny was one of the only people in my life that hadn’t met Brooklyn. Penny didn’t know I was in love once. She didn’t know I had been engaged. She didn’t know about any of it.
I picked up my fresh drink and took a hearty sip. “No one knows what I’ve been through. And that includes you.”
“Matt.” He didn’t say anything else. He just lowered his eyebrows at me as I took another sip of my drink. Like he was worried that I was an alcoholic or something. Hadn’t he gotten the memo? That was him.
“I really don’t want to talk about this.” I took another sip.
“You don’t want to talk about dating? Or Brooklyn?”
Hearing her name out loud felt like a punch in the gut. Great, he was here for me now. But he hadn’t been there for me when I’d needed him to be. He’d flirted with Brooklyn behind my back. He’d kissed her. He’d fucking proposed to her. He didn’t get to stand here and pretend he had my back when his favorite pastime in high school was stabbing it. “I’m not talking about her with you.”
“It’s been 16 years.”
“It doesn’t feel like that long ago to me.” It felt like yesterday when I’d held her in my arms. I downed the rest of my drink and waved the bartender over to top me off. James was the only one of my friends that ever tried to talk to me about Brooklyn. We’d all made a promise not to bring her up until I said I was ready. James kept breaking that promise a few times every year. I wasn’t ready twelve years ago, or five, or fucking now. We both knew that he didn’t really care.
James still didn’t touch his drink. “Penny said that you told her you wanted to settle down. Is that really what you want?”
I wanted a lot of things I could never have. But mostly I wanted out of this conversation. “I’m not going to talk about this with you.”
“But you’ll talk to my wife?”
I clenched my jaw.
“That’s fine. If you think she can help you move on, I want that for you.”
He was supposed to be mad at me right now. Not overly caring. “So you don’t care if I hang out with Penny one on one for hours at a time?” I was purposely pushing his buttons and I didn’t know why. Maybe I was the one that wanted to fight.
“I was under the impression that Tanner would be there now too. But when you put it like that…” he shook his head. “What do you want me to say, Matt? That I’ll fucking kill you if you ever touch her again like you did the other night in my home? Because I’m pretty sure that’s always implied.”
“It’s creepy that you watch Penny 24/7.”
He didn’t acknowledge my comment with a response. “You and I are friends. So stop acting like we’re not. I know you lost Brooklyn. I know she loved you. But it doesn’t mean you were the only one who lost something the day she died. She was my friend.”
“Your friend? Do you always kiss your friends?”
“Do you?”
I shook my head. I hadn’t kissed Penny. Yeah, I’d wanted to. But I didn’t. He’d kissed Brooklyn 16 years ago though. I wasn’t the dick here. He was.
“We were just kids,” James said. “And I’ve apologized a dozen times.”
“Maybe try apologizing a dozen more.”
“I’m sorry I kissed Brooklyn 16 years ago out of revenge. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He said it a few more times and I laughed.
“You can stop. I get it. You’re sorry.” Honestly, I believed him. I was sorry for a lot of things too.
“I am.” He rested his elbows on the bar, not showing any intention of going back to our table. “And I do see it. The similarities between Penny and Brooklyn. I get it. But Penny isn’t Brooklyn.”
I knew that. I looked down at my glass.
“Are you going to tell her about Brooklyn?” he asked.
“No.”
“Okay.” He finally took a sip from his glass.
I looked up at him. “You really haven’t already told Penny about Brooklyn?”
He shook his head. “It’s hard for me to talk about Brooklyn too. And I made a promise to you that I wouldn’t bring her up.”
“Then why do you keep bringing her up to me?”
“Because you’re the only one back in high school that seemed to realize that I had a problem. I think I’m the only one that sees that you have one now.”
I wanted him to be saying I was an alcoholic. But we both knew what he was implying. Because I felt it. I was stuck. I couldn’t move forward because I was haunted by the past. And even worse, I had no intention of fixing any of it. Every day felt like I was drowning.
“Looks like Tanner is here,” James said.
Tanner had just walked in. Despite what Rob said, Tanner wasn’t wearing a man bun or goblin elf shoes. But he did have some blonde chick on his arm. What was he doing? I’d told him this was a boys’ night.