“Justin, I’m seriously not gay.”
“Penny told me everything.” He reached out across the table and grabbed my hand. “She said she was out to dinner the other night with James, and she saw you kissing a man.”
“I never kissed a…” my voice trailed off. Fucking Tanner. I pulled my hand away from Justin. “This is a big misunderstanding. That wasn’t a kiss. It was just a celebratory peck between two male friends.”
“Yeah…that’s not a thing,” Justin said.
“He’s foreign.”
“Oh. Well then.” Justin shrugged. “Maybe it’s a thing. But the question is…did you like it?”
“No.”
“You seem awfully defensive. And a tad too sassy for a straight man if you ask me.”
“Justin, I’m not gay.”
“Someone maybe needs to spend a little more time in the closet,” he whispered.
“I’m not gay!” I yelled. Oh fuck. People were staring at us. “Not that anything is wrong with that,” I said. “I love gay people.” Shit, this was coming out so wrong.
“I am so sorry,” James said.
I looked up. Where the hell had he come from? He seemed out of breath like he’d just run here from his apartment. “James, what are you doing here?”
“I came as soon as Penny told me what she’d done. I’m so sorry, man. I had no idea what she was planning. Hey, Justin. Nice to see you again.” He put out his hand for Justin.
“Oh, the pleasure is all mine,” Justin said. “Are you joining us too? This is seriously my lucky night.”
“Um. No. I’m just here because…”
“Stop,” Penny said. She was just as winded as James. “You run so freaking fast, James.” She put her hands on her knees, trying to catch her breath. “Don’t ruin this for Matt. He needs space to find himself.”
“What the hell is going on?” I asked.
“We support you, Matt,” Penny said. “No matter who you love. And I know you love men. And Justin’s one of the greatest guys I know…”
“I’m not gay.”
“James.” She turned to him. “Don’t stifle him.”
“I’m not stifling him, baby. Matt isn’t gay.”
“Of course he is,” she said and turned to me. “I’ve finally put the pieces together. It makes total sense. You passed on so many great options on the dating app. And then someone from your past literally falls into your lap and you pass on her too. I’ve rarely seen you with the same girl more than once. And everyone I’ve ever met that’s slept with you says you’re an emotional brick wall. That’s a quote straight from Jen.”
“Oh God,” James said. “Please don’t bring up my sister banging Matt.”
“It’s important,” Penny said. “You’re an emotional brick wall during sex because…you know…you wish you were having sex with men instead.”
“What the fuck?” I said.
“And James and I saw you kissing Tanner at that romantic restaurant. I’m so sorry he doesn’t want to be more than friends. My heart hurts for you. And I know he cares for you of course, but he’s clearly not gay.”
“Neither am I!”
“Matt. It’s okay. We’re here for you no matter what. And I’m so sorry you never felt comfortable enough to tell us that you’ve been gay this whole time. We love you no matter what.”
“I haven’t been secretly gay this whole time. I’ve never been gay,” I added, just to make sure I was being clear enough.
“Well he definitely didn’t use to be gay,” Justin said. “Since he was engaged to Brooklyn and everything.”
It felt like all the air left my lungs.
“What?” Penny said. “Brooklyn?” She turned to me. “Who is Justin talking about?”
“His fiancée,” Justin said. “They were high school sweethearts. But she passed away…”
“Stop,” I said. I felt like I was choking.
“Oh my God, Matt.” Penny put her hand over her mouth.
This wasn’t how I wanted to tell her. It wasn’t supposed to come out like this. I couldn’t breathe. I got up from the table. I couldn’t look at any of them. I couldn’t do this right now. I couldn’t breathe.
“Wait, Matt,” Penny said.
“Penny, stop.” James ran after me instead. “Matt!” He caught up with me outside the restaurant. “I’m sorry. As soon as I found out she sent you on a blind date with Justin, I tried to stop it.”
“I just need to be alone.” I waved my hand at the valet. He went to get my car.
“Where are you going?” James asked.
I didn’t respond.
“Matt?”
I ignored him as the valet pulled my car up and handed me my keys.
“You’re not the only one that’s ever worried about someone else,” James said. “I worried about you back then. After Brooklyn died. I worried that you knew what it felt like to not want to keep going too. You were right about me. I hated my life. I hated everything. And you looked out for me. And now I’m looking out for you.” He grabbed the keys from my hand. “Now where are we going?”
I wasn’t going to fight with him. “I need to go home.”
“Okay.” He unlocked my car and we both climbed in.
He didn’t say a word to me as he drove through the city streets. Not a single word until he pulled up outside my place and cut the engine. “Brooklyn would have wanted you to be happy.”
“I meant what I said last night. I am happy.”
“You don’t look happy, man,” James said.
“I feel guilty. For moving on. I can’t help it. I am happy, but I feel like shit for being happy.”
“We all like Kennedy,” James said.
I looked over at him.
“You weren’t fooling anyone with that ‘just friends’ stunt. Except for Penny I guess.”
I laughed. “Yeah.”
“I used to feel guilty too. For being happy. For being with Penny when I broke the rules to have her. But I don’t regret breaking the rules. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.”
I didn’t say anything.
“You made a promise when you were 16 years old. You’re allowed to break it.”
“I know. I just…I need to be alone for a few minutes. You can take the car back for Penny.”
“I’ll take a taxi.” He tossed the keys at me. “Call me if you need anything, okay?”
I nodded and climbed out of the car. I knew he was right. I’d told myself as much. But I just needed a minute to breathe.
Chapter 44
Saturday
I was sitting in the middle of all the portraits I’d painted of Brooklyn. They used to make me feel close to her. But tonight, she’d never felt further away.
I wasn’t sure how long I sat there staring. But I felt the wetness on my cheeks. I never did get the blue of Brooklyn’s eyes right in the most recent painting. And I realized right then that I didn’t really remember how her eyes looked. She was drifting away. I opened up the photo album that Kennedy had given me all those years ago. But instead of my eyes gravitating to Brooklyn like they always used to, they gravitated to Kennedy. I slammed the album closed.