My mom grabbed my hand. “Life is short. And you can’t help who you love. But you can help if you curse.”
I would have laughed if my insides weren’t all twisted up. “But Matt? I can’t fall in love with him. It’s wrong.”
“I think the damage is already done.”
I shook my head.
“Mija.” She held my hand between hers. “You said you’re falling in love with him. Has he fallen too?”
“I think so.” I thought about how he didn’t deny loving me when I brought up what Tanner had said. And how he’d kissed me. And how he’d kept pursuing me even after I tried to stop it. I tried. I did. But I didn’t want to fight it anymore.
Matthew Caldwell wasn’t mine to have. But it had happened anyway. “She’d be so angry with me.”
“The dead can’t talk.”
“I visited her grave. And there were so many dead flowers on it. I think he visits her all the time. I think I’m falling in love with someone who will never love me most. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep choosing the wrong people?”
“He’s not wrong people. He’s a good boy.”
“But not for me. I feel so guilty. It feels like the guilt is going to swallow me whole. My stomach is twisted in knots and I can’t sleep. I’m miserable. Love isn’t supposed to feel this way.”
“That’s because you’re fighting it. Feel happy, mi amor. Be happy. You deserve everything in this world. You deserve to be happy if happiness finds you. Embrace it.”
I’d been through so much pain. And therapy. I’d spent years trying to piece myself back together after what happened with Cupcake. I felt like I was finally okay. And I wasn’t sure if I’d felt that way before Matt had crashed back into my life. I told him I couldn’t fix him. But what if he’d fixed me? I loved him for that alone. “But he can’t possibly love me. Brooklyn was his one great love.”
“Fairy tales.” She shook her head. “He’ll love you differently. The way you need to be loved. Different isn’t less.”
Different isn’t less. I didn’t know if that was true. But I wanted it to be. Because no matter how torn up I was inside, I didn’t know how to tell Matt no. I’d tried. But he’d broken down all my walls. I couldn’t get him out of my head. And I didn’t want to. Even though I knew he shouldn’t be there. Not in that way. God, what am I doing? “I miss her so much.”
“I know.” She pulled me into her side. “Me too.” She kissed the top of my head and yawned.
“It’s okay, Mama. You can go to bed. I’m going to be fine.”
She slowly stood up. Slower than she used to move. I tried not to let that worry me.
“You have nothing to fear.” She patted my cheek. “He already promised me he wouldn’t break your heart.”
“He did?” He’d promised her that? When? That night he slept over.
“Sí. He loves you too. A mother knows these things.”
He loves me too. I wanted her to be right. Desperately. And I didn’t really have any reason to doubt it. He’d asked me to be his girlfriend. I was the one pushing him away. Not the other way around.
My mom kissed the top of my head.
“Goodnight,” I said to her as she retreated back to her room.
I leaned my head back on the couch. “Give me a sign, Brooklyn,” I said into the silence. “Tell me it’s okay.” Because it hadn’t felt okay at her grave. It felt like I was stomping all over her memory. And I never wanted to do that. I loved her. I’d never had a friend like her before or since. Neither one of us was perfect though. She’d dated Felix when I thought it was pretty clear that I liked him. And now…I was going to date Matt. That’s okay, right? Please, just give me a sign.
My phone buzzed.
I looked down at a text from Matt. “Are you up? I need to see you.”
My heart started racing. If that wasn’t a sign, I didn’t know what was. “Actually, I can’t sleep.”
“Too busy thinking about me?”
I smiled. One of the many reasons why I was falling for him. He was good at making a heavy situation feel light. “Always.” I didn’t want to lie.
“I’m coming over now. Keep that train of thought. I have an important question for you.”
“What kind of question?”
“You’ll see.”
I wanted to be able to push him away. I did. But my body had a mind of its own. There were suddenly butterflies in my stomach instead of that twisting guilt. And my pulse was racing. I couldn’t turn him away even if I wanted to. Maybe Tanner was right. Maybe Matt and I were always supposed to be together. It was just a long, hard route to get there. But sometimes the hardest loves were the everlasting ones. The real ones.
Another text came through. “What are you wearing?”
I laughed out loud. “The usual. A very sexy pair of sweatpants.” I was crying a minute ago and now he had me laughing. I ignored the way my stomach twisted. I wasn’t just falling for him. I was in love with Matthew Caldwell.
“Perfect. Just the way I like you. Are you rocking that sexy bun too?”
“Don’t you know it. I’m all ready for you.” I was smiling so hard it hurt.
“Just for the record, whatever you’re wearing won’t be on for long.”
I felt my cheeks flush. “Is that your question? Whether or not I’m ready to go all the way?”
“I’d probably word it more on the lines of are you ready for me to properly worship your body. I hope the answer is yes to that. But that’s not my question. And it’s okay if you’re not ready.”
I was smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. What was he going to ask me? “I’m ready.”
He sent about ten eggplant emojis which made me laugh again.
“It’s a shame that we’re just friends, Matt.”
He sent ten more eggplant emojis. He was such a dork. Apparently I loved dorks. “Could I have a side of fries with that eggplant?”
“What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t bring fries and tulips with me?”
Well, that was that. He was officially perfect.
The call button buzzed. I hit the button to let him up.
I was ready for this. I was ready for him. I glanced in the mirror real quick to make myself look at least a little more presentable. I had no idea what Matt was planning. But I had a feeling it involved me repaying him for our little elevator shindig earlier. He’d promised he was getting out of the thing with Poppy. Maybe that was it. But honestly? I’d sneak around with him for a few days. Hadn’t I already been doing that? That was probably the question.
He wasn’t hiding me like some dirty little secret. He wasn’t the same guy he was in high school. We’d both changed. And somehow wound up a pretty perfect fit.
He knocked on the door. I put on a little lip gloss and then hurried over. I looked out the peephole just as my hand grabbed the doorknob.
Oh my God. “Puta mierda.” My hand froze. I blinked and stared at the peephole again. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. But every time I blinked, nothing changed.