“I don’t want her to fade away. I don’t want her to think that I stopped loving her. I’ll always love her too.”
“She may fade away a little. But she’ll never fade away completely. She’s a part of you. But you have to say goodbye. You can’t keep coming into this room and agonizing about the past. You have to see that that’s not healthy. You’re amazingly talented. But this…it’s a lot, Matt.”
I’d been afraid for anyone to see this room. I thought my friends would get me shipped off to a loony bin. Which was a valid fear. Because this was legit crazy. What was I doing? Wallowing my life away? Penny was right. I needed to say goodbye. But I couldn’t do that here. “You’re right. I know what I have to do.”
Penny nodded.
“But could you maybe just sit here with me for a while?” I asked.
“Of course. Tell me more about her.”
I smiled. I had a million stories to fill the time. And I’d always found it easy to talk to Penny. She always listened. Staring at me with her big blue eyes. I stared into them for a second. They were the same color as Brooklyn’s. Almost the exact same hue. I blinked and turned back to one of the paintings as I told Penny about the performance I did on the homecoming float to win Brooklyn back.
“You’re a terrible singer,” Penny said with a laugh. “I can’t believe you did that.”
“I’m not a terrible singer.”
She stared at me. “Please.”
I laughed.
It was so weird. For years I’d been jealous of James’ life. I’d resented him for having everything I wanted when it felt like he’d stolen it from me. But sitting here right now with Penny? I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’d needed Penny. As a friend. And if James hadn’t met her, I think I probably would have still been stuck.
Penny was a terrible matchmaker. But she was one hell of a good friend.
***
I sat down on Brooklyn’s grave. “Hey.”
The silence of the night was all that greeted me.
I picked up a tulip that was on Brooklyn’s grave. “Kennedy’s back in town. But I guess you already knew that.” I wondered what Kennedy had talked to her about when she was here. Had she apologized for falling for me? That’s what I thought I’d be doing. But now that I was sitting here, I knew that wasn’t what I needed to do. I put the tulip back down.
“I’m sorry that I haven’t been living my life. I’m sorry that I’ve been wasting time. You’d be so pissed at me if you were here.” I smiled.
“I asked you for a sign the last time I was here. And I know Tanner meddled and technically the person I saw here was Jefferson’s mom.” I shook my head. “But I think you sent Kennedy back here. I think you knew she could fix me. She was my wake-up call.”
I slowly exhaled. “Everyone knows about our past now. I’m sorry I kept you a secret. It’s been really lonely. I’ve been really fucked up, Brooklyn.”
I knew it was crazy, but it felt like she was listening. So I said the words I never thought I’d say. “I want a wife. I want kids. I want a family. And I can’t have any of that with you. I’ll always love you. But I can’t stop living. You’d hate me for it.”
I swallowed hard. “I think I love her.” I ran my fingers along the grass to where I thought my aunt’s ring was. The one I’d given to Brooklyn when I’d asked her to marry me. “And I need to see this through. I need to give us a chance.” I looked down. The ring was right around here. I had been pissed that Mr. Pruitt had given it back to me. It had belonged here with Brooklyn, so I’d buried it here after her funeral. But I needed it back. I needed my heart back. I let my fingers sink into the dirt, digging tiny holes, until my fingers collided with the ring. I pulled it out. It looked terrible. Caked with mud and grime. I wiped my finger against the diamond and it caught a sparkle in the moonlight.
“Everyone said time would help. But it hasn’t helped at all. It was like I felt guiltier and guiltier every day that went by. Until I wasn’t even sure it was because of my last words to you or because in my heart I knew that I wanted to live my life again.” I wiped away my tears. “I wanted you. I wanted you to be my wife. The mother of my kids. My family. But I can’t have you. And I can’t keep living like this. I can’t.”
“This is goodbye,” I said. “Not forever. I just…need some space to give Kennedy and me a real chance. You understand, right? You’d want this, wouldn’t you?” I’d want it for her. I’d never want her to be miserable. She couldn’t possibly want me to keep living in hell.
“I would do anything to go back in time and do things differently. Say anything else to you. Tell you anything so you didn’t hurt when you left this world. Something to make your heart happy. And I don’t ever want to forget about you. Or what we had. But I have to let this go before I drown.”
I slowly stood up. “I love you.” But I’m ready to move on. I touched the top of her gravestone. And then patted Uncle Jim’s too before walking out of the graveyard. I wasn’t going to waste another second of my life. I slid the engagement ring into my pocket. I needed to talk to Kennedy.
Chapter 45
Saturday
Kennedy
The teakettle started whistling. I immediately pulled it off the stove before it made too much noise. My mom was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake her. But I couldn’t sleep. And tea always seemed to help.
I poured the hot water into a mug and added a tea bag. I wiped the tears off my cheeks. I wasn’t sure how much tea would help the fact that I couldn’t stop crying.
“Mi amor, what are you doing up this late?”
I tried to wipe away the rest of my tears. “I’m sorry, Mama. Did I wake you?” I cleared my throat. “I just needed some tea. You should go back to sleep.”
“Kennedy.” She lightly touched my chin so that I’d look at her. “Why the tears?”
I couldn’t help my bottom lip shaking. “I messed everything up.”
“Nunca.” She pulled my head down onto her shoulder. “You couldn’t possibly.”
“I did.”
She rubbed her hand up and down my back. “Was it Matt? Did he hurt you?”
I lifted my head. “No.” I shook my head. “No, nothing like that.” I sniffed. “Quite the opposite.” It was scary to say the words I needed to say out loud. It made them too real. It made it so easy for me to get hurt. But if I couldn’t even say them to my mom, how would I ever say them to Matt? “I think I might love him.”
My mom just nodded. And then turned and poured herself a cup of tea too. “Tell me everything.” She sat down on the couch.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen.” I sat down next to her. “I wasn’t even going to look him up when I got back to the city. But we ran into each other. And one thing led to another. And…I just…he understands me. He respects me, Mama. He’s kind and caring. And everything I’ve never had before. But I don’t know what I’m doing. He was engaged to Brooklyn. What the hell am I doing?”