Unless it’s “She’s Got Issues,” which ironically could be written about Jennifer herself, their songs are barely about women for the most part.
Not to mention when Jennifer makes a playlist, it is always chock-full of rap songs that unabashedly objectify women in every single lyric line.
Yet she has a problem with The Offspring?
An epiphany dawns on me. She insults The Offspring because Ryan like them.
Holy shit, that is next level.
I bite my tongue.
This isn’t my battle to fight.
Directly, of course.
And this debate is getting off-track on the real issue, which is Ryan’s being turned into a chameleon coward for this girl.
“Well, I’m going to leave,” Krista says. “Good to see you, Luke,” she says, flashing me an exaggerated smile. Clearly she is miffed by Ryan’s behavior—most notably the whole neglecting to mention he has a fiancée thing—and I don’t blame her.
Jennifer’s got Ryan wrapped around her finger, and his one little act of rebellion was having the cute campus weed dealer over in this area of ambiguity. Krista probably feels a little used by him.
No one feels good after the ten-minute rule gets violated.
“I’m going to hit the hay, too. G’night y’all,” I say as soon as Krista slams the door shut on her way out of our apartment. I don’t want to get mixed up in whatever awkwardness is about to happen here. I get up and head for my door.
“Oh, sorry for interrupting your playdate…I didn’t think you could stay tethered to one woman for long,” Jennifer says, her tone dripping with snark.
My back is to them in the living room, and I stiffen, my skin prickling when I hear Jennifer’s smartass remark.
This really is getting out of hand, and to insinuate Krista was here to see me pisses me off. I pause a second, hoping Ryan clears up things but quickly realize that’s not going to happen.
I then spin around, adrenaline flushing my body. I take a deep breath and try to articulate the feelings going through my mind. I know I’m playing the long game with Operation Romper, but sometimes there are things that just need to be said.
“Look, I like you, Jennifer.” A stretch. I continue. “You’re Ryan’s fiancée. But if you ever talk shit like that about Skylar again, or insinuate that I would cheat on her, I will…”
I verbally stumble as I’m about to say ‘end you,’ but what does that even mean? I won’t physically confront her.
“You’ll what?” she cackles.
I smile. My face goes stone-cold as an idea strikes me. “I’ll sneak into your apartment and hide roadkill inside a place you’ll never find until it stinks so bad you’ll wish you didn’t have a sense of smell.”
“Uh! Ryan, are you going to—”
I slam my door shut. I can’t take this shit any more. It’s getting to be too much. As solid of a friend as Ryan has been to me through the years, his behavior is starting to get to me. Not only is he letting Jennifer walk all over him, but he’s letting me take the blame for his problems.
In bed, I shoot Sky a text.
Luke: We need to get that ring on your finger. Stat. When do you get out?
Sky: Such a romantic proposal. And next week.
Luke: I’ll be in Florida then, for spring break. We start the baseball season there between winter and spring terms.
Sky: I want something nice. Can I have a spacerock at least twice the size of Jennifer’s?
Luke: At least. Also I’m buying you a plane ticket to come to Florida. Hell, why don’t I get one for you and a girlfriend to come down?
Skylar: A plane ticket for me and a friend? What are you, my sugar daddy?
Luke: Well I’m definitely your Daddy. If you want me to be.
Skylar: I think I have a problem. I get wet when I think about you whispering that in my ear.
Luke: Yes, you’re right. You’re actually the first female to ever have a daddy fantasy.
Skylar: Stop shaming my sexuality, Daddy.
Luke: Why? Are you getting wet thinking about how hard Daddy’s cock gets for you?
Skylar: I am, actually. And that’s a problem.
Luke: Doesn’t sound like a problem to me.
Skylar: I’m left-handed. I’ve been trying with my right hand but it just doesn’t have the same power.
Luke: Are you wet right now?
Skylar: I am.
And…just like that, my heart begins to redirect the blood to my cock.
Luke: How wet? What are you thinking about?
Skylar: Thinking about the conversation we had tonight.
Luke: We didn’t even talk about sex, though.
Skylar: Exactly.
Luke: Explain.
Skylar: It turns me on to know how much you like taking care of me.
Luke: Oh I like taking care of you, Sky. I’m glad that sank in.
Skylar: …
Luke: Are you typing something?
Skylar: Sorry. Tried the right hand again…just doesn’t get the job done.
Luke: Hmmm. That sucks so much. I wish there was something that could be done about this.
Skylar: I know. Me too.
My heart is racing. I realize, I’m not falling asleep any time soon.
Fuck it.
If you can’t have a little random fun in life with your best friend who you’re about to fake a marriage with, when can you have fun?
I get in the car and text her right before I leave, so she doesn’t suspect anything.
Luke: Too bad you’re all the way at the hospital, and I’m all the way at home.
Skylar: You really like to torture me, don’t you?
Luke: Guilty
Whenever I have to text her back, I pull over onto a side street. Despite my voracious need for sexting that I need to satiate with Sky, I am an upstanding citizen and follow the no texting while driving rule.
Luke: You’re too delicate right now. I couldn’t fuck you.
Skylar: Who said anything about fucking?
Luke: What am I, your mouth and fingers on command?
Skylar: But you’re sooo good, Luke.
Luke: Why thank you my darling. You don’t do so bad yourself.
Skylar: I thought you said you were my bitch while I was at the hospital.
Luke: I did say that.
Skylar: So…asking you to come here this week wouldn’t be within reason?
Luke: Sorry, just have a really busy week.
Skylar: Okay. It’s late. We should both go to bed. Goodnight.
Her last text hits right as I’m walking into the hospital.
It’s past visiting hours, but luckily I’ve made good friends with the nurse at the front desk, who is a huge Greene State baseball fan.
I head up the stairs to Sky’s room like a secret agent.
When I arrive, the door is cracked open just a smidge. I hang outside the door for a few moments, and I can hear Sky.
“Mmm. Damn.” Her whispers do sound frustrated.
I smile. Dirty girl, touching herself with the door open. What if someone came in? Then again, she’s got the traffic patterns of the hospital down to a T after being here for a while.
The door creaks as I ease it open, a stream of light hitting her lower body.
She’s got a hospital gown on.
“Hi, I’m Doctor Rutledge,” I say, closing the door behind me with a click. “I believe there was something you needed me to check up on.”