My heart warms from the inside. The “T” word is not a statement I take lightly.
“What are you picturing right now?”
Her cheeks redden another degree. “With Federico, hell, with all the boys before, sex has felt so mechanical. On my end, too. I was content with the basics. It was like I was putting on a show or something for who I was with. I faked many an orgasm.”
My heart breaks a little thinking about Sky being with someone and having to fake her way through intimacy.
“And with me?”
She averts her eyes from mine. “I feel like we could do anything I want sans judgment. Like all of the dirty fantasies that have been cooped up inside my head might finally be freed. With you.”
“Jesus. That sounds like the title of some book…” Fuck me, I’m getting turned on in the cafeteria now, thinking of all the things I want to do to her.
“Please don’t go there.”
“I’m kidding. You’ve felt judged before?”
She moves some of the food around on her plate with her fork. “It’s hard to explain.”
“Try.”
Pushing her glasses up on her nose, she brings her eyes back to me. “I feel a lot of pressure as a woman to be this perfect, nice, proper girl. The modern, empowered woman who protests all of the right causes and lives what I believe.”
Sky pauses for a beat, and fuck me, I see the fire in her eyes to live her life with the force of a thousand suns and make an impact. It’s what’s attracted me to Sky from the get-go.
“But…?”
“But the flip side of that is, I feel like it’s shameful to have some of the desires that occasionally flit through my mind.”
I reach across the table and take Sky’s hand. “No bedroom fantasy you come up could possibly detract from how I think of you. You get that, right? You’re not some princess who I want to keep locked up in a tower, and fuck in the dark in the missionary position only.”
She nods, lightly.
“Unless that’s a fantasy of yours,” I add.
She laughs.
“A ‘princess having missionary in the dark fantasy.’ Hmm, I’ve never had that one. But now that you’ve put it in my mind…”
“And don’t forget the tower part.” I grin. “You get what I’m saying though, don’t you, Sky? I want to have adventures and grow with you, in whatever this crazy meta-relationship within a fake relationship thing is. And that means both of us not being afraid to be honest with each other about our desires and what we want. We don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. But we know we’re having an amazing time, yes?”
“Yes.”
I swallow down the bite of my omelet and stare at her. I feel a fluttering in my stomach that’s not normal. Like I said, women don’t usually make me nervous. But when she finishes expressing her thoughts to me, I realize how right she is about everything.
And how into her I am.
I’ve got my own reasons for not trusting women. But no relationship has ever felt as right as it does in this moment, with Sky.
Of course there are those lingering doubts in the back of my mind about this, obviously. Like how this whole thing began as a charade to stop my best friend from marrying a woman who is very wrong for him.
How did we get here?
Looking at little Sky who I can’t get enough of, the charade fades away. It doesn’t matter how we got started. Now, we’re here.
That quote Sky has up in her room flashes through my mind: life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.
I want her so badly, all the time. And if it’ll put a smile on her face for me to make a list so we’re more organized in the pursuit of our sexual pleasure, well, dammit, I’ll do it.
Her eyes wait for me to answer whether or not I’ll go along with her little idea. I guess I haven’t officially said yes to her.
“Sky, these are just fantasies. They’re like fun playtime. I’d never judge you for anything. You’d never judge me. I think that’s what makes our connection so deep. We both care deeply about each other.”
“I know.” She brushes something out of her eye. “I know,” she repeats.
Several beats of silence pass between us, and we look into each other’s eyes. I’m having a hard time articulating to myself why this moment right now is so huge, but I have to try.
“Did we both just admit we really, really care about each other?” I ask.
She nods. “Yes. Yes we did.”
I heave a deep breath and it hits me:
Operation Rock Block started as a ruse. Now I might really be really falling for Sky.
Not good.
I plaster a smile on my face, determined to keep things casual.
“So this list. Are you thinking like a digital thing, or should we keep it offline?”
“I’m thinking we should stay old-fashioned with this. Let’s keep it offline.”
I smile to myself as I sit on my couch with my little red moleskin notebook, wondering what to write down about my fantasies.
I’m like a kid in a candy shop…or maybe a sex shop.
Okay, maybe that makes me sound immature. The funny thing is, I’ve used this notebook in the past to scribble down all the qualities I’d like in my dream wife.
And I’m not going to lie, most of it has nothing to do with sex.
It has to do with integrity, caring, compassion. Someone who is loyal, perceptive, who I respect, and who respects me.
It’s not lost on me that Sky ticks all of those boxes.
And she’s also into an open exploration of sexuality.
It’s intriguing to me how the concept of writing down sex acts to experiment with my best friend and “girlfriend” does not feel foreign at all. It feels natural and normal.
I lean back with my shoulders partially on the armrest of the couch, hands behind my head, and stare out the window at the blossoming spring.
This is certainly going to be one way to heat things up this term.
How far do I want to go, fantasy-wise, with Sky?
An interesting feeling has set in since Sky and I have come up with this crazy plot: since I know I won’t be with anyone else while we’re together—and since we’ve crossed the line into sexual activity, it’s felt strangely freeing.
I know I’ll be channeling my desires into her. I refuse to be the man my father was and pull that type of shit.
Instead, I’m going to put all of my creative sexual energy into blowing Sky’s fucking mind and having a lot of fun doing it.
So where to start? I wonder, looking at the blank page.
I picture Sky. I can even smell her. I want to do fucking everything with her.
I start jotting things down with my pencil:
hook up at night on the fifty yard line of the The Bowl
have a quickie during a restroom break when we’re out to eat
or maybe during class
student teacher role play
watch Sky play with herself
I scratch that one out, realizing I’ve already done it.
spank Sky’s perfect ass until it turns bright red
have her lay on my chest after
After I write the last one, my pencil breaks.
Damn. I look in my room for a replacement but I don’t have one writing implement in the house, and I’ve promised Sky this list would be offline.