“Nope. Your life is officially yours to live, and from now on, I’m going to support all your choices because I love you and don’t want you to turn out like me.”
This makes me cry harder.
“In fact, that’s why Jadyn and Jennifer are here. The three of us—together—with input from your roommate, designed your dorm room with love. And we want to be there with you when you move in.”
“And we hope you’ll love it!” Jennifer says.
“It’s our gift to you,” Jadyn says.
I hug them all again. I’m so overwhelmed, but I feel happy and loved.
I lie in my bed, staring up at my dorm room ceiling after everyone has left, and think about a lot of things.
The people I met during move-in. The ones I’ll meet during rush.
And about life.
My life specifically. How since my parents got divorced, I’ve sometimes felt like a rag doll, stuck in the middle of two kids, each pulling on an arm.
Could that really be over? Part of me isn’t sure how to handle this news. How do I just let go of it all?
I consider calling my brother, but he’s like a duck, conflict rolling off his back like water.
I touch the dream ring on my finger and picture Chase’s handsome face. He looked so good today.
And I can’t believe I’m going to do this tonight of all nights.
But I need to know.
Know if I deserve all the blame I have put on myself.
I scroll back in my phone and start to watch the video my friend took because she was so sure it was a moment I’d want to remember forever.
The day Hunter Lansford asked me to Homecoming.
I watch the first thirty seconds, and then I pause it and focus on what happened after.
And as I replay it all in my mind, I realize that, like my mother, I need to work on my own insecurities. I know confidence is in me. At cheer competitions when I was younger, I was the teammate who was never nervous, who was ready to face any challenge. Who didn’t fall apart when a routine wasn’t done to perfection. I could react on the fly, without a second thought.
It’s like I just lost it somehow.
I think about what my mom said earlier today about the most confident people she knew.
A memory immediately pops into my brain, and I see three smiling faces planning what was supposed to be our future together that summer in the Ozarks.
A place I’ve never been back to since.
It’s late, but I text her anyway.
Me: You still up?
Haley: Yeah. How’s your dorm? You get all settled?
I don’t reply. There’s too much to type, so I call her and tell her everything that happened today with my mom.
When I finish, she goes, “Wow. That’s a lot to digest. But it’s good, right? Probably weird though because I know you’ve always gotten a lot of pressure from her. And now, that’s all just supposed to be gone? I think that would feel a little weird, like a joke almost. Was it weird? Did she seem genuine? Like, with my mom and Jennifer?”
“Yeah, it did. And that is exactly how I’m feeling. I am not sure what to feel.”
“Well, the good thing is, you can go through rush with no pressure or family expectations, right?”
“Yeah,” I say, although somehow, I’m not convinced.
“Dani, I always looked up to you when we were kids. Actually, I wanted to be you. Never afraid. A fierce competitor. When your parents divorced—”
“It affected me,” I say, realizing now just how much.
“Which is understandable, but—”
“If my mom can find herself after being lost for twenty-some years, I ought to be able to do it, too.”
“Exactly,” Haley says.
“Truth,” I tell her, “the reason I called you is because my mom said that her counselor asked her to think of the strongest women she knew. She thought of your mom and Jennifer, but I thought of you. And Chase and Damon. All of us when we were on that trip in the Ozarks. Remember how we talked about running a business together? And you were all so sure. I wanted it, but I wasn’t confident about it the way you all were.”
“We were sure, yes. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t a little scared it might not work. That’s normal. Being scared isn’t a fault. Not recognizing it and letting it keep you from something you want, might be. What do you want, Devaney Diamond? And what kind of person do you want to be?”
“I don’t know, but I’d better figure it out quick.”
“Yeah, because I’ve really missed you.”
“Oh, Haley,” I say, feeling emotional for the thousandth time today.
“And I’m pretty comfortable with saying that goes for my brother, too. And just so you know, you don’t have to be dating Chase for us to all be friends again. The two of you just, well, you need to fix things—together.”
“Do you think that we could be best friends again?”
“I definitely do,” she says.
After saying goodbye, I hang up and go to sleep with a smile on my face.
Would hurt less.
Chase
I’m down in the kitchen, making a smoothie before bed.
“Say good night to Chase,” Mom says, walking by me with my baby sister in her arms.
“Nighty-nighty!” Emersyn says, leaning down to give me a kiss.
“Sleep tight.” I give her side a little tickle.
“Time for a tickle fight!” she yells back.
Dad comes in the room, swoops Emersyn out of Mom’s arms, and then whisks her off to bed. She’s shrill-laughing as he continues to tickle her.
“And don’t forget to turn out the light!” Mom yells as they leave.
I roll my eyes but can’t help but smile. My parents have had the same bedtime routine for us kids since, well, we were kids.
“Kinda sucks no one tucks me in anymore,” I say teasingly to my mom as I sit down at the table and move the slightly skewed place mat back into its proper place. I stop in my tracks, my grin immediately fading. “What’s this?”
“I had Dani sign the table,” Mom says simply, barely looking up from whatever she’s reading.
“But she already signed it.”
Mom glances up at me. “Yes, she did. When she was five. Her signature has changed a little since then. I thought I’d have all you kids sign it again when you turned eighteen, but then I decided to wait until you went off to college. She’s the first one.”
I look down at Devaney’s name scrolled beautifully above my place mat. “Why did she sign it here?”
Mom looks up at me again, her eyes narrowed. “I assume because there was space.”
“But this is where I always sit.”
“If it’s a problem, Chase, sit somewhere else.”
Instead of moving, I run my fingers over each letter. D-E-V-A-N-E-Y.
“You should have just let her carve it into my chest. Probably would have hurt less,” I mutter, letting out a huge breath of air.
“Oh, for goodness’ sake, Chase. Don’t be so dramatic. If you want to be friends with Dani again, you’re going to have to get over what happened in the past and at least meet her halfway.”