Wednesday, August 21st
A chance.
Devaney
The first few days of rush have been a whirlwind. On Monday, we were split into groups, listened to presentations about Greek life, had lunch, and then spent four hours touring sorority houses, followed by dinner.
My roommate, Alyssa, and I weren’t in the same group, so at the end of the day, we talked about our initial impressions. We unanimously agreed, before falling asleep early, that rush was exhausting. And I was very glad I’d listened to everyone about needing comfortable shoes. We’d walked a ton.
Yesterday was more of the same.
We started at nine in the morning and had six hours of open houses and a lunch break. One thing I really thought was fun were the cheers, chants, and songs each house did. Something about that added to the revelry of it all.
Dinner was on our own, followed by a group event.
I have met a whole lot of people in a very short time. It’s been exciting though, and I’ve started to notice how each house varies.
The hardest part came after the end of our first two days—or round one—when we had to rank each house according to our preference. I was glad that I had talked to Jadyn about the process so that I understood that the houses would all be doing the same by narrowing the field.
But I’m worried for today because I also know that, as a legacy, this might be when my mom’s sorority will cut me. Jadyn said that if, for some reason, they didn’t think we had a chance for a final match, they would often cut legacies loose to give them the ability to focus on other options.
Either way, as I lie in my bed this morning, I can’t help but wonder which houses I will get invitations to today. Ten is the maximum number we can visit, and we’ll spend thirty minutes at each, getting to meet more of the members and learning about their history and philanthropy. Because the first couple of days were so long and very informal, our clothing was casual. Today, things change to semi-casual, and I’m excited to put on the pretty sundress and sandals I brought.
I take a moment to look around at the room that is mine for the next year. Alyssa is still asleep.
She’s from a small town in Nebraska, the youngest of five with four older brothers; she loves sports and is a former cheerleader. We met through the school’s roommate-matching portal and seemed to be a good fit.
Apparently, my mother or Jadyn spoke to her about their plan for decorating our dorm room because she was fully on board with the concept they surprised me with. And it really was amazing to know that my mother, Jennifer, and Jadyn had worked together to do this.
Our room looked so bleak and institutional when I first walked in, but it’s incredible what some fabric and removable wallpaper can do. The room now has a slight boho vibe. The walls are covered in a pretty white paper with soft gray splashes that make the room look bigger and brighter. Curtains frame the windows. Our bedding has pale shades of pinks, grays, and teal with lots of texture added by a wide array of pillows. A console table doubles as a nightstand for both of us, and underneath sits upholstered storage cubes that can be pulled out for extra seating. The wooden closet doors and desks got makeovers with coordinating wallpaper. The whole thing just feels cozy and chic. We love it.
I don’t want to wake Alyssa, so I’m quiet when I sit up in bed and grab my phone from the console table. And I actually sort of surprise myself when I text a person I wouldn’t normally ask for advice.
Me: Are you up?
Mom: Of course. You know I start my day at six with a cup of coffee before I work out with my trainer.
Me: I didn’t know if the new you still had the same routine.
Mom: She does but is working on being more flexible. How are you? How is rush? What do you think? Are you nervous for today? It had to be so hard to narrow it down to your top ten.
Me: That’s how I’m feeling. Excited but hoping I get some invites.
Mom: You will, for sure. Most cuts during this time are simply due to basic qualifications, like if a recruit’s GPA doesn’t meet the house’s standard.
Me: I know. But still.
Mom: You’re smart and a beautiful person inside and out.
Me: Do you really think that I’m beautiful inside?
My phone buzzes in my hand. I refuse the call but then grab my key, quietly get out of bed, go out into the hall, sit on the floor, and call her back.
“Hi. Sorry. Alyssa is still asleep. I didn’t want to wake her.”
“And I wanted to tell you, yes, I think you’re beautiful inside. You have so much of your father in you, Devaney. Probably why you and I have clashed so much.”
“You think Dad is a good man?”
Mom actually lets out a laugh. “Of course I do. Do you think that I don’t?”
“Um, well, it was kind of traumatic for me the day you stormed into our house when you got back from Bermuda.”
“And what did I do?”
“You were mad about the cheer sleepover that had turned into a party. You called my friendship with Chase stupid and said I couldn’t see him anymore. And then when Jennifer tried to explain what happened, you called her a husband-stealing whore. And when Dad came in the house a few minutes later, you called him some not-so-nice things.”
“I hadn’t expected Jennifer to be there, and I reacted. Badly. I apologize for that. I was hurt, upset, and worried about you.”
“But you left us,” I say softly, tears filling my eyes.
“Devaney, I’m sorry. I’ve told you so many things that were wrong. I pray—literally—every night that whatever issues I might have given you or that the hits your confidence took because of me will not be permanent.
“Do you remember Maggie from your fourth-grade class? She was so smart but got picked on. Remember how you stood up for her? How you became friends with her? In grade school, I was a Maggie. But no one stood up for me.”
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
“My point is, when I went to college, I tried to throw away all that emotional baggage. And because of my experiences as a kid, I focused a lot on the outside of me. The way I looked.
“I’d never really done that before because I didn’t care what I looked like. I was too busy studying. I never wore makeup. Didn’t wear stylish clothing. I’d told myself I was above it all because I had lofty goals.
“But when I studied up on rush, I somehow found this old research paper that talked about salespeople and how those who were better groomed and more attractive sold more than those who weren’t. And I was smart enough to put two and two together. I knew that if I wanted to rush into a top sorority, I needed more than just the résumé and grades. I needed to look the part.
“And as your dad was thrust into the spotlight when he went pro, so was I. And, again, I knew I had to look the part. It became almost an obsession.
“I’m not trying to make excuses for myself. I own up to how I was. My point is this—I think your father is a wonderful man. He put up with me for a long time, mostly because of you and Damon, and when it came time to end our marriage, I truly believe he would have given me all of his worldly possessions for custody of you two. That, in and of itself, says more than I ever could.