She stared back until her eyes cut away and she shook her head. “You don’t get it.”
“Then help me get it,” I snapped. More silence. “Is that why you’re so excited about my news? It falls in line with your theory?” Still nothing, and her refusing to respond spoke volumes. “Okay, then. Question answered.” I pushed off the stool, but before I could step away, her hand landed on my arm.
“Stop it. I’m happy because you deserve this. It’ll be a great opportunity for you.” It was hard to believe her. How could I after she’d planted and watered that seed in my head? She had concocted some stupid theory, and who knew how long she’d been keeping that to herself. Everything pointed to her wanting this for me only to appease the doubts in her mind. She was hung up on the notion that I was missing out on a life by being with her. I was eighteen goddamn years old. Didn’t she realize the way I spent my days was just what life was supposed to be like for me?
If Alivia was anything, she was stubborn as shit. Depending on why she felt this way, and how long she’d been building a case without even clueing me in, her mindset could make it impossible to talk her out of her own head.
I wasn’t sure what pissed me off more… the fact she had kept all this from me for so long, or the fact that it was now a waste of time to argue over since this new opportunity killed NYU for at least a semester, maybe even two.
“How long have you been feeling this way?” When her eyes cut away, I gripped her chin to stop her from avoiding me.
“I told you, since you told me about playing in Santa Monica. The look on your face was one I hadn’t seen before… maybe ever.” Suddenly her own anger dissipated, and she cupped my jaw. “You deserve to be on stage, Shane. Not in a classroom. I’ve been very honest with you about how I feel. You’re hung up on the word regret. I believe you when you say you don’t regret me. But I do believe there will be a day you regret not doing what you want to do. That includes NYU. We are so entwined, from our musical families to our hearts, it’s hard to separate the two. You can’t worry when you do make that separation that I’ll be a casualty by default. It’s the wrong reason to pave your own way… or for me to pave my own.”
Pave her own.
Shit. Maybe she was the one who would have regrets. Everything in our lives up until now had revolved around my dream. Fuck, I didn’t even know if she had one for herself.
The tears that shimmered in her eyes killed me, no differently than her words had. I got it. I finally understood what she had failed to help me understand.
“You thought long and hard over this.” Her nod along with the slight tremble of her bottom lip and the glistening of her ice-blue eyes confirmed as much. “I need you to promise me something,” I then said, softly palming her face as she had mine.
“What?”
“Once I get home, we pick up where we left off. Whether it’s with me joining you at NYU or not, you stop doubting me or why I want to be where you are?”
Her eyes narrowed on mine, and it felt like an eternity before she finally said, “I promise.” It was her detached expression that made it hard to believe her.
“One more thing… you need to promise me you’ll consume yourself with things you want out of NYU, and not dwell on me.”
“I’m not sure I can promise that, Shane.”
“Why?”
“Because I need to figure that out first.” The response came quick and without hesitation… and that was how I knew it was the most honest response she’d given me all night. That was also how I knew we both had things we needed to sort out.
The apartment door opened, and Camilla smiled when she saw us, only for it to fall when Alivia quickly wiped away her tears. “Hi, Mom.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She plastered on another fake smile. “Shane has awesome news.” I hadn’t planned on telling her parents yet but nodded. “We were waiting for you to come home.”
“Where’s your father?”
“I’m here,” he said, appearing from the den. He walked right for his wife and planted a kiss on her lips before his gaze landed on Alivia. “Why are you crying?”
“Happy tears,” she lied. “Tell them, Shane.”
I dragged in a breath and repeated what I had said to Alivia. Predictably, Trey seemed the most excited. “Fuck, that’s fantastic!” It was hard to tell if having me away from his daughter for more than three months was the real reason. But as quickly as I thought that I knew it had to do with the experience I’d be getting. He of all people understood what something like this could do for my musical career.
“Shane, what a great opportunity for you,” Camilla added, coming closer to hug me.
“Thank you. I just hope my parents support this change in direction.”
“They just want the best for you.” She frowned. “As a mother, it would hurt if something like this would cause a strain with my kids.”
“Something like what?” I prompted.
“Just be honest with them. Tell them this is something you really want to do, and I don’t have a doubt they’ll support you.” I forced a smile of my own, ignoring how Camilla had completely avoided my question, as well as the tension that radiated off Alivia.
For obvious reasons, I ended up sleeping like shit and have been anxious all day. Last night had been intense for several reasons. Besides the tension between Alivia and me, I also felt guilty that Alivia, Trey, and Camilla knew my news before my parents. They had no idea that the reason for this impromptu dinner was to ambush them, and I worried they’d be pissed.
When I said as much to Lori last night, her response held little concern. She’d bragged that knowing how to handle my mom and dad had become an art form to her. Although she and my father had a love-hate relationship, she claimed the hate part was merely his way of projecting from inferiority he felt due to her arguing skills.
While waiting for our guests to arrive, I frantically tapped a rhythm on the granite and hadn’t realized my mom had been watching me until she tilted her head with concern. “You okay, honey?”
At that moment, the intercom buzzed and I shouted, “I’ll get it!” I rushed toward the door, and when Walter announced through the speaker that Lori and Cannon were on their way up, my anxieties when into overdrive. The few minutes it took for them to emerge from the elevator felt like an eternity.
“Hi,” Lori said with a relaxed smile. “Ready for this?”
“No. Maybe we should wait and tell them another time.”
“Relax, Shane. It’ll be fine.” She patted my arm and walked past me. Cannon grinning as he followed his wife into the apartment wasn’t helping my nerves in the least. It wasn’t his head on the line.
By the time I forced my feet to move, sweat dampened the back of my neck. The quicker we got this over with, the better. I walked in just as my dad asked, “What brought you guys to New York?” As he uncorked a bottle of wine, with that question he unknowingly caused a new wave of panic to engulf me.
“We needed to meet with a possible new artist,” Cannon said innocently. He and Lori made themselves comfortable at the kitchen island while I hovered like a guilty criminal.