My heart aches at the mention of their future. I want to be able to look at him without the wonder of what could’ve been.
More than that, why the hell do he and Allison make a difference in my life? They don’t. I made my choice years ago when I let us go. I didn’t go after him, beg him to take me back, and he didn’t come after me either. We drifted apart, both caught up in our new lives and new priorities.
Yes, I would’ve married him if we’d stayed together, but we didn’t, and he married someone else.
Westin is a good man who cares about me more than I deserve. This is the closure I need. Right here, Bryce has moved on and so have I.
“You can definitely do that,” I break up their moment. “However, there’s a chance that you could avoid the surgery that will strip you of the option to have children, which is what I believe brought you here.” I hate to be underhanded, but if Allison walks, then all the other patients will suffer as well. “If you want to do that, my suggestion would be for me to do your surgery today so that you have the best options for fighting the cancer. I can get you in . . .” I look down at the clipboard as though I have a schedule there. “. . . in the next hour?”
“Good,” Bryce responds.
Allison turns her head to Bryce and I see a tear roll down her cheek. “That’s not what I want, Peyton! Even if I don’t get the medication, I won’t go down that road. I want the chance. I want to carry our baby inside of me, and if I weren’t here right now, there would be no options. Please don’t take that away from me.”
He shakes his head, lifts his gaze to me for a moment, and then back to his wife. “I just want you.”
I just want to leave this fucking room.
“I want you too, but this is important,” her fingers glide against the skin on his cheek. “It matters to me. We’re here for a reason and Dr. Adams is our best chance.”
“I love you,” he tells her again.
I close myself down, not wanting to hear another word. I’ve been trying to deal with all of this like a mature, professional woman, but this is too much. Hearing this is over the line.
“I love you more.”
“Until my last breath,” Bryce says, and I can’t stop myself.
I gasp as pain lances my already raw heart and I’m taken back to a memory I’ve long since tried to forget, thrusting me back into the past.
“I can’t go to Penn State with you.”
His eyes fill with confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I can’t do it. My mother is sick and my family needs me.”
“I need you!”
I release a heavy breath and touch his face. “And I need you, but her cancer isn’t going to get better and I can’t imagine what this is doing to my dad.”
He steps back, disbelief etched in every part of his face. I know this isn’t ideal. It’s the last thing I wanted to do, but in my heart, I know it’s right. My mother gave everything to me. This is the least I can do.
“And what about our plans?”
“Plans change, Bryce. We’re not talking about forever. I’ll go to Northwestern, you can go to Penn State, and we’ll make it work—like you promised.”
That seems to deflate him a bit. “I just . . . I got us an apartment and I was ready for this.”
“I know, baby. I wanted all that too, but you understand, don’t you?”
“How far is it to Chicago from there?”
I close my eyes and breathe the word. “Eight.”
“Eight hours?”
“I don’t like this any more than you, but I’m asking you to not make this worse than it already is for me. I want us to work this out.”
We don’t fight. We never have. We talk and then we figure it out. This is not the Bryce I know and love. He’s always understanding, but right now, he’s making me feel guilty about something that’s out of my control.
“I just want you!” he yells.
“I’m not leaving you, I’m just going where I’m needed.”
He shakes his head and I can hear his rebuttal in my own. It took me two weeks to work up the courage to talk to him about this. The mere idea of leaving him tore me to shreds. After talking to my brother, I knew I had to do it. Everton said that Dad is close to tears each day and that Mom is barely holding on.
She’s sick from the chemo and the only hope they have is this trial she was accepted into.
My family needs help, and I’m able to give it.
“I’m not trying to be a selfish asshole, Chick. We just were building our life. We’re engaged and everything was laid out.” He runs his fingers through his dark hair and then sighs. “I’m sorry. I know this isn’t what you hoped for from me, and yes . . . we’ll figure it out. We’ll have to make whatever time we can see each other work.”
A tear falls down my face, and I rush to him. My lips touch his cheeks, nose, and then finally his mouth. “I love you, Bryce Peyton.”
He shakes his head, worry filled in his blue eyes. “Until my last breath.”
“Until mine.”
“Hello? Dr. Adams?” Allison asks, forcing the memory out of my head.
“Sorry, we’re ready to start, are you ready?” I ask.
Allison studies me warily, and I use every muscle in my body to keep from looking at Bryce. I never want him to see how much those words affected me. Allison needs me to be her doctor right now.
She closes her eyes and then when she looks at me, I see the answer. “I want to be in this trial. I want my damn life back. So yes, the only hope I have is you.”
I nod once, pulling myself together and refusing to look at Bryce. “I’ll have your medication started. You’ll be inpatient for three days while we deliver the chemo, then you’ll come in for testing and other things before the next round,” I explain very matter-of-factly.
“I re-remember.”
I hear the fear in her voice, and even though this woman has everything I wanted, it’s also my job to give her comfort. I take a step toward her, still refusing to even glance at Bryce, and touch her arm. “I know it’s scary and a lot to think about, but know that I’m going to do whatever I can to fight this with you. You have a team of doctors that believe in this trial.” I smile and she returns my smile with her own.
“Thank you.” She pauses. “For everything.”
The meaning is clear. It’s not just about the trial, but for fighting for her because we both know what happens if she didn’t get to try.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes to get you set up,” I promise.
With strength I didn’t know I had, I exit the room without looking at him. My father was right, I’m powerless to him and that’s going to be my downfall.
As I stand in the hallway, I clench my fists, inhale, and will myself not to lose my mind. He can’t make me weak here. When I’m in this hospital, I refuse to be anything but at the top of my game. People need me to be the one who controls things, and being messed up won’t benefit them. Above everything that matters in my life, being a doctor is what I cling to. I won’t allow Bryce to set me back.
After a few seconds, I regain my sense of self, and head to the lab where I’ll finally find out who the two doctors assigned to track the trial are. They’ll ensure all my documentation is in order and be able to discuss anything that might arise. As much as I always thought it was stupid, after serving as one of the advisors for a colleague, I realized it’s actually a great policy. Well, providing I don’t get some asshole.