Oh, God. I can’t girl talk with her, but I can’t be rude either. Why is my life suddenly so difficult? I really liked when it was simple. Not sure what exactly the right thing to do is, I give her a little, hoping she’ll drop it. “I guess you could call it that.”
“Sorry if I’m overstepping.” She chews on her lip.
“You’re fine.”
That’s a lie. None of this is fine. I send a prayer out for my name to be called so I can get out of here without saying something dumb.
“It’s the way he looked at you, it was clear that there’s something going on between you guys.”
Dropping it is not happening.
I look back at the door wondering what she picked up on. We were fighting not even two hours ago.
“It’s not like that . . .”
Allison laughs. “Nothing ever starts like that, does it? But he’s really good looking . . . and a doctor.”
I move over to the side of her bed, and check the lines of her IV. “Yeah, he’s a good guy.”
Please drop this or let the ground swallow me up, either would work.
“How long have you been together?” she asks.
As much as I may hate this, Allison is sweet and I don’t really have an out right now. I can be aloof or choose to be the person I am. I love my patients and I believe healing isn’t only about medicine. People have to want to fight and be willing to put up with an immense amount of struggle in order to feel better.
Going through hell is an understatement.
I’ve prided myself on being their friend through it all, and Allison deserves the same thing.
“It’s been a few years, but nothing serious until recently,” I admit.
“Ahh . . .” She pushes her hair back. “. . . I see.”
“See?”
“I’m assuming he finally decided to shit instead of getting off the pot. Men are so stupid when it comes to women. Peyton was that way.” Allison rolls her eyes. “I swear, it was like pulling teeth to get him to finally pop the question.”
Now I’m suddenly interested in this conversation.
“Oh? Why is that? You guys seem so happy,” I say in spite of myself.
I should never have asked, but I don’t know when I’ll ever have this opportunity again.
She leans in, playing with the edge of the blanket. “I was never supposed to really marry Peyton. We were childhood friends, and our parents basically arranged our marriage at infancy. Both of us come from traditional families, but we never seemed to get the timing right. I always loved him. I was that stupid girl with big eyes for the hot guy, but Peyton never saw me that way. I was just the annoying family friend.”
My pulse pounds in my ears as she tells me the story I’ve wondered about. Did he fall in love with her right after me? Were they kept apart because he met me? Then I wonder, why had I never heard about her when we were together? I sit on the edge of her bed, waiting for anything she’s willing to share.
“We both ended up going to Penn State, which is where I bumped into him after years.”
Penn State.
I feel the walls closing in, but I mentally hold my hands out to stop it. “Grad school?”
She nods. “Yeah, I was supposed to go to Yale, but my father graduated from Penn so that’s where I went. Anyway, I saw Bryce and he looked so . . . sad, so . . . different than I remembered. We talked a lot. It was nice knowing someone there and not feeling so alone. He was in a bad state and we happened to be there for each other. He never talked about what was wrong, but I assumed it was someone else.”
Me. It was me.
The way she described him is nothing like he was before that. We were happy, ready to tackle the world, but when I got up here and saw the state of my family, Bryce and I couldn’t hold on.
We drifted like ships out at sea with no steering. We were on opposite currents, without a way to chart the course back to each other.
I never really thought of him as sad at the end. He was so angry and disappointed. My heart aches for the man she describes.
“I’m glad you found each other, then.” The words hurt but I mean them.
“Me too. He asked me out, even though he clearly didn’t want to, and then we grew to be more. It was a long time before he finally said he loved me, though. We’d fight so much and I threatened to end things, and a light switched on.”
So he didn’t just run to her arms. He didn’t love her right away. It shouldn’t make me feel better, but it does. I’ve spent so much time getting over him, it’s nice to know it wasn’t easy for him either.
“I guess he needed the push,” I say, not able to look at her.
“Most men do,” she laughs lightly. “So, what was your sexy doctor’s push?”
If only it was Westin who needed the urging. “It was actually me,” I tell her the truth. “I was broken by a man a very long time ago, and I didn’t want to ever endure it again. I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to shut myself off and Westin never gave up on me.”
She touches my hand. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. Wes is a great guy and I’m lucky to have him.”
“I don’t know how you work with him, though. I’d kill my husband if I was around him all day.”
I shake my head. Sometimes I do want to kill him, like when I learned he was advising me. “Well, it helps that we usually only see each other when we need a break . . .”
“Yes!” She giggles. “I’ve always imagined that’s how it really is.”
“What?”
“You know, sneaking off to have sex in random places, the no rules in your relationships, like a mix of a soap opera and television drama. Tell me details, you know I basically have been celibate for a year now thanks to this fucking cancer. Please, let me live vicariously through you.”
That’s a visual I could’ve done without.
“We really don’t have to go there,” I say, because nope. I can’t do it. I can’t talk about my sex life, no matter how sweet she is.
“Fine,” she grumbles. “Do you love him?”
“Do you love who?” Bryce’s voice fills the room.
I rise, wondering how long he’s been standing there. Did he hear the conversation and cut it off because he didn’t want to know?
“Babe!” Allison waves him over. “There you are! Dr. Adams had to keep me company while we waited for you. We’re starting the first dose and,” she squeals. “It’s finally happening.”
“Let me go grab Dr. Grant and I’ll be right back,” I say moving out of the way.
I head out of the room, but Westin is gone. “Martina,” I call out. She pops her head over the stack of papers. “Where’s Dr. Grant?”
“He had to check on a patient, he said he’ll be back soon, but to go on and get started without him.”
This is just great. My advisor is now missing and I have other patients waiting, plus a surgery this afternoon. I sigh and recalibrate my emotions.
“Okay,” I say as I enter the room. “I’m going to administer the medication. You’ll be here for two more days, and then you’ll be able to leave until your next appointment.”